How to Make a Bernie Sandwich


The Bernie Sandwich, named after Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, is known primarily for what isn't in it than what is in it. Here's how to make one.

Meat - There will be NO meat in the Bernie Sandwich because people are the top species on the food chain so they constitute the top 1% of all animals. As the top 1% of all animals, people are wildly successful at subjugating, killing and eating other animals. People are bad, greedy and they eat too much, creating a destructive environment for the other animals on the planet. So there will be no meat in the Bernie Sandwich for that evil 1%.

Cheese - There will be NO cheese in the Bernie Sandwich because cheese is made from milk and milk comes from cows. Cows have been enslaved by mankind thereby creating an underclass that has no power in our society. With their inability to speak English, cows are unable to advocate for themselves. With no lobbies or Super-PACs in Washington, they have been cut out of the power structure. Buying cheese only makes the rich richer and the cows poorer. So NO cheese in the Bernie Sandwich.

Tomatoes and Lettuce - There will be NO tomatoes and NO lettuce in the Bernie Sandwich. Although Cesar Chavez founded the United Farm Workers of America over 50 years ago and it remains the largest farm workers union in the country, it is only active in 10 states at present and that pisses Bernie off. So No tomatoes and NO lettuce in the Bernie Sandwich.

Condiments - There will be NO mayonnaise in the Bernie Sandwich because mayonnaise contains eggs and eggs come from chickens. Chickens have been historically oppressed on poultry farms, whether they are cage-free or not. Overcrowding and overuse of antibiotics are merely two of the examples of substandard treatment of chickens and Bernie hates that. He also hates that the mom chickens never get a chance to see their eggs hatch into sweet little fluffy chicks. So NO mayonnaise on the Bernie Sandwich. Bernie is considering allowing mustard on the Bernie Sandwich but under no circumstances will Guilden's, French's or Grey Poupon mustard be acceptable as those brands just smack of big money.

Bread - There will be bread on the Bernie Sandwich because what is more American and "common man" than the amber waves of grain? But for obvious reasons, it can't be Wonder Bread or Peppridge Farm or any of those other big food brands as they constitute a disproportionate share of the sandwich bread industrial machine. But if the bread is locally sourced by hippies in loose clothing who do not use any animals in the planting or harvesting process, then fine. There will be bread in the Bernie Sandwich.

Let there be Bernie Sandwiches for all! FREE!

Power to the people.