In today's day and age where no one can agree on anything anymore, there is surprisingly one thing that goes undisputed: running for President of the United States comes with great responsibility. So whether it's about making your parents proud or not looking like a twit on credible news sources like Fox News, here are 11 sure-fire ways to ensure your run for Commander-in-Chief is a successful one.
1. Confidently Build Yourself Up
Immediately following the announcement of your candidacy, emphasize you are superior to all others by disparaging everyone who lives in this country. Prove this by calling them things like "losers." This will demonstrate to them that you clearly are better than all of them and they should be so lucky to have you as their leader.
2. Be Efficient
With our high-speed world no one has the patience anymore to listen to everything you want to say, and you don't have copious amounts of time to spend grueling over trivial details when you talk to people. Want to share your thoughts about individuals you think are dangerous? Just insult the whole country you think they come from. Making sweeping generalizations about a whole demographic has never been so easy!
3. Announce Your Support for the Creation of New Infrastructure
Declare you will build a great wall unlike any other along our borders to ensure no one else gets in, especially said dangerous individuals. We can't make America great again without a great wall. It's common sense.
Bonus points if you name it after yourself.
4. Speak Out About Our Veterans
Take the stance that if our soldiers are going to defend our country they better leave it all on the battlefield. Attack those who have returned home from a gruesome war still alive. Make it clear you're not impressed unless they paid the ultimate price. America likes heroes, not sissies.
5. Set Yourself Apart From the Other Candidates, Especially the Ones From Your Own Party
The most effective way to do this is to say or do things you know no other candidate in their right mind would ever say or do. Show America there is no other individual running for president quite like you. Be unique. Be bold. Embrace the spotlight you will inevitably receive.
6. Promote Freedom of Speech
Show America you're number one just like the First Amendment! Say things freely and without regard for how they may sound out in the open. Forget your internal filter. Speak your mind! Let your lips be free!
7. Show America You're a Passionate Candidate
Speak out against anything and everything. Whether it's the way a current president walks down the steps of Air Force One or the tastelessness of a man's protruding nipples before Congress, it is imperative that you show the voters you care about important societal issues.
8. But Don't Forget to Reach Out to the Younger Demographic of Voters
You don't need to sacrifice showing America that you care about crucial issues to demonstrate to the youth of America that you're hip. Channel your inner 13-year-old girl as you tweet about all the ways people suck. Key words to choose from when writing said tweets include "stupid," "dummy," "loser," "dopey," "total dope," and "very very dumb." The bottom line is be creative. Young people love creativity.
9. Make Sure Your Hair Looks Great At All Times
It would be a shame for America to think your hair is so remarkable it's emerging as its own entity and/or will run as your Vice President.
10. Be Unapologetic
Never apologize for anything. Apologizing is for losers. America likes winners.
11. Keep the American People Yearning For More
They don't call it "running for president" for nothing. So don't stop now. You have to earn it. But pace yourself. We haven't even gotten to the first Presidential Debate yet. We've still got a long way to go.