We all know that addiction is wreaking havoc on our world. I don't know anyone who hasn't seen it up close and personal. Whether it be to prescriptions, cocaine, crack , meth, alcohol, gambling, love, or sex. It is everywhere and it is in everything. And now we know that it is a bonding problem. It happens when someone has trouble bonding with humans and communities so they bond to substances. It all makes sense.
It all makes sense especially if you have grown up with it directly in your family and more so in a parent. So what is the painful part? Besides the abuse of their bodies and their psyche, it's the absolute torment they put themselves through.
If you are blessed to have a beautifully, kind-hearted parent like myself, it is one of the most painful things to watch them torture themselves.
Don't get me wrong. My father is an addict, he did not raise me. I was fortunate to have a mother who was not an addict who could raise me. But my dad has always been around. He is now on the streets of Victoria, living life as a homeless addict. He makes my heart hurt.
Every time we talk, it is few and far between, he guilt trips me and then he berates himself. He hates himself more than I have ever seen before. He lives with so much guilt that he places on himself that he can never see the light. He doesn't see that he is worthy, he doesn't see that he is loved, he doesn't see that we see him as he truly is. He is a brilliant, kind hearted man. And that is the painful part. That is the part that makes tears well up in my eyes, it's the part that makes my chest constrict and my throat close up. That pain of seeing someone you love have absolutely NO COMPASSION for themselves is horrifying.
And if you are like me, and even if you are not, most can understand this. We see it in parents, friends and partners regardless of the addiction. The lack of compassion for ourselves is torture. The guilt we all put ourselves through is hell.
Ask the person that loves you most to tell you how they see you. Write it down, or get them to and read it. That is how you truly are. Work everyday to believe that. Break down those barriers that hold you back from seeing yourself that way.
I realized that I have been blocking miracles and true abundance in my life because of my father. Not because of what he is doing to himself, but that I was waiting for the miracle of his sobriety. I was waiting for his miraculous recovery to prove to me that miracles exist. But because I was thinking like that I wasn't seeing the block. The truth that he is a miracle unto himself. He is alive. And that is a miracle. I still get to have the picture of my sweet, funny, brilliant father in my mind, before he let the addiction consume him. And that is a miracle. WHO he truly is, is a miracle. And if I can hold that in my minds eye, I believe that is enough. I will continue to love him endlessly. I will also continue to keep my distance for my own health. But I will stop waiting for results to prove miracles exist. I will start knowing that love through adversity is a miracle and that I can find that everywhere.
Where are the miracles that you aren't seeing?
Love Kat