Dear Jen,
I'm constantly attracting guys who are really screwed up. My last boyfriend seemed ready to settle down when I met him and was constantly cheating on me by the time I finally left. Others have been severely depressed and some barely functional (alcoholic, can't keep a job, no friends, etc.)
I'm a fairly happy person, I have a family that loves me, a good job, great friends -- why can't I find someone like myself? Why do I keep ending up with these head cases? It's not like I seek them out, because they all seem perfectly normal at first, but once we've been dating for awhile, sure enough, the craziness starts to seep out. What am I doing wrong?
- Crazy About the Crazies
Dear Crazy,
I once bought a used car from an auto mechanic a few towns over. Before giving him the money, I had a shop nearby take a look at it to make sure it was worth buying. Coincidentally, all the guys at this place knew and loved Ray, the mechanic I was buying it from, and stood around the open hood as if it was the office water cooler, regaling me with stories about Ray's kids and how that one time he let them borrow his air drill.
I left with zero idea what kind of shape the car was in, but since my regular mechanic couldn't see it for a few more days, and since I was scared I was going to lose it to someone else, I figured, what the hell. Ray's a mechanic, I'm sure he took great care of it. I'll just buy it and trust that he's as reliable as his fan club says he is.
Three thousand dollars of crapped out batteries, leaky convertible tops, broken power steering systems and faulty brakes later, I realized I'd been duped. Ray sold me a turd of a car, and even though he is a giant sucking thing, it's my own dumb fault. He wouldn't look me in the eye when we sealed the deal, and I've gotten stronger handshakes from sleeping babies. I knew in my gut that I was getting into something sketchy, but I did it anyway because you should've seen how sexy that car looked with the top down.
I'd like to let you pretend that you're as clueless as you say you are when it comes to your mental ward-full of exes, but I can't. Because you know, and you know you know, you just don't want to admit it because you should've seen how sexy he looked in those jeans.
I have a theory that people tell you everything you need to know the first week you meet them. And often even on the first date. They just can't help but puke up their little confessional hairballs right there on the candle-lit table, and, if you're the kind of person who keeps finding yourself in rotten relationships, you can't help but fill in the blanks with a story that suits your needs. Here's how it goes:
Him: I sort of cheat on all my girlfriends.
Your Brain: It'll be different with us. Look how much you're opening up to me already!
Him: I hate myself and want to die.
Your Brain: That's only because you haven't gotten a piece of me yet.
Him: I have a bit of an addiction problem.
Your Brain: I can change you. I will change you. I can't wait to change you.
Yes, the occasional master of disguise can sneak past the radar, but if this is a pattern of yours, I promise you, all the information you need is there, you've just decided not to notice it.
Next time you're attracted to someone, what's say you don't leap into a relationship with him? Instead, listen carefully to what he says, move slowly, pay attention to the fact that his eyes look like plate glass windows when he comes back from the bathroom and don't pretend that he's uncontrollably sobbing just because he feels comfortable opening up to you.
Once you start watching and listening to what's really going on, you can avoid getting involved with the ones who aren't worth your time and move forward with the ones who are.
All it takes is really wanting to.