COMEDY

How To Get Into The Conspiracy Theory Game

Or maybe this article is in on it?

The internet is great, right? It provides a ton of information to anyone who wants it. But how that information is used can cause problems. 

Being a member of the very shadowy liberal “lamestream” media, I admit freely that I spend most of my time trying to compromise freedom and help the Illuminati ― we just call them “Lou” though.

It’s tough with you sharp conspiracy folks, shedding light on all the stuff we’re doing in the name of pure evil. I miss a lot of texts from George Soros because of how on top of the latest theories I have to be.

So I decided to write a quick guide based on all my research to help the next generation of conspiracy theorists reach the top of their game!

  • Become exceedingly adequate in Microsoft Paint. Focus primarily on red. Circles and arrows are a must-learn. Double underlines not necessary, but helpful.
    Vladimir Godnik via Getty Images
  • Check IMDB to find out if anyone involved in your theory is listed! That means they are lying actors and that’s as good as a smoking gun. If they're not listed, they're probably using an alias. Evil loves IMDb.
    IMDb
  • One piece of shaky and unsubstantiated evidence is nothing to base your case on, so it’s important to amass a huge collection of shaky and unsubstantiated evidence.
    Howard Berman via Getty Images
  • Photos are a visual record of what happened at a specific moment in the view of the camera. But you know what it doesn't show in that moment? The rest of the world and all the insidious, heinous things going on. What are photos trying to hide??
    Oleksiy Maksymenko via Getty Images
  • Things are never as they seem to be. You have to dig deeper, and that means delving into the world of make-believe, where cowardly journalists refuse to go.
    Chad Baker via Getty Images
  • The word “gate” has been overused terribly ― KEEP USING IT. If they tell you it makes you sound crazy, it’s because they’re active players in Gategate!
    #Gategate
    Jakob Helbig via Getty Images
    #Gategate
  • If they’re fighting your theory, they’re in on it. Always remember, when you get close to the truth, people will push back, or ignore you, or agree with you, or politely disagree, or show indifference. That's how you know!
HuffPost

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