Sometimes the holiday season isn't exactly "the most wonderful time of the year."
Look, everyone loves to eat and be merry and do all the other fun stuff that comes with the season. But when it comes to talking about hot-button political and social issues with family members, most of us will take a hard pass.
Almost every family has that one misogynistic uncle who really does think Donald Trump is going to "make America great again." Or that aunt who wags her finger at you wondering when you're going to pop out a few kids because, you know, your "biological clock is ticking."
When this happens, you may feel the urge to flip the table over, throw that turkey across the room and scream: "I AM MORE THAN JUST A BABY-MAKER AUNT KAREN!"
But wait. Don't do it.
We have a few alternatives that might actually get Aunt Karen to listen (or at the very least, stop needling you). We've rounded up a few pitch-perfect responses for those relatives that just don't get it.
So, whether it's your weird older cousin's husband who refuses to recognize the gender wage gap or your Fox News junkie of a grandmother who insists Planned Parenthood really is selling fetuses for profit (spoiler: they're not), here are a few tips for talking to your misogynistic family members this Thanksgiving and holiday season.
Them: "Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
You: "Because I'm gay, Grandma." OR "Because I don't need a man to justify my worth." OR "Because cats are much better company, Aunt Sharon."
Them: "But, still you must get lonely sometimes."
You: "I don't have to share the remote with anyone. Pretty ideal, actually." OR "My vibrator keeps me company. But thanks for your concern, Grandpa."
Them: "So what do we call Caitlyn Jenner now? Something like this never would've happened in my day."
You: "You should identify her in whatever way she asks to be identified. She identifies as a woman so call her 'she.'" OR "Something like this would have never happened in your 'day' -- and that's rather sad."
Them: "I just don't think the pay gap is real. If women just worked harder, they'd get paid as much as men."
You: "That's not really how it works. You see, women aren't paid equally to their male counterparts because of various reasons -- but their work ethic is usually not one of them. White women are paid 78 cents to every white man's dollar on average, and women of color have it even worse. On average, black women are paid 63 cents and Latina women are paid 54 cents to every white man's dollar. Don't believe me? Read this. (Hand them a laminated copy of this.)"
Them: "When are you going to have babies?! You know, your biological clock is ticking."
You: "Never. Childfree4Lyfe." OR "I actually have four children already that you've never met. JK." OR "I don't know yet, but frankly it's none of your business."
Them: "Honestly, a woman could never be president of the United States. What happens when she gets her *whispers* period? Won't she be so0o0o emotional?"
You: "A woman's menstrual cycle has nothing to do with her ability to get sh*t done." OR "Maybe she could run the free world by free bleeding."
Them: "When are you going to settle down?"
You: "Honestly, Grandpa it depends when I want to stop having casual sex."
Them: "Can you believe that Planned Parenthood sells baby parts?!"
You: "That lie comes from an anti-choice activist group's heavily-edited series of videos about Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood does donate fetal tissue to researchers to use in scientific studies and does not receive compensation for it. Out of the 700 Planned Parenthood clinics in the U.S., only two of them supply fetal tissue to medical research labs. Planned Parenthood used to be compensated (legally!) for this donation to pay for staff and for overtime, but in October the women's health organization announced that it would no longer accept compensation for these donations. Fetal tissue donation is completely legal and can lead to big breakthroughs in medical research and treatment."
Them: "But Carly Fiorina said she saw it in that video!"
You: "She lied."
Them: "I'm voting for Donald Trump."
You: *Hand them this and GTFO immediately before you break something.*
Them: "All these women accusing Cosby of sexual assault are really just looking for fame."
You: "Nearly 60 women have accused Cosby of drugging and/or sexually assaulting them, and all it takes to debunk their claims is one man to say they're lying?" OR "Most of these women didn't come forward with their stories until decades after the assault happened. A lot of survivors don't ever come forward with their stories because people rarely believe them. There's little incentive to come forward as a victim of sexual assault -- and 'getting famous' for being victimized is not an incentive at all." OR "Many of them have stated that they don't want anything in return, they just want him to admit he did it."
Them: "If I were to consider myself something it would be a humanist. Not a feminist, I don't hate men!"
You: "Feminism is just the social, political and economic equality of the sexes. That includes women, men and people of other genders. It's not about hating men; it's about giving everyone the same opportunities."
Good luck and godspeed, everyone. If all else fails, turn on Adele.
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