How To Win Every Thanksgiving Argument

Yes, you can win Thanksgiving.

Nobody wants to be a loser. But many people don't realize that literally everything is winnable. That's why our book How to Win at Everything provides crucial step-by-step instructions for achieving victory in every possible human endeavor. For instance:

  • Winning A Fistfight: Don't aim your punch where you opponent is, aim where he's going to be--the hospital.
  • Winning At Kissing: After trying French kissing (kissing with tongue), move on to American kissing (kissing with a mouthful of BBQ sauce.)
  • Winning At Losing Weight: Follow the Food Pyramid, which says that any food is healthy if you cut it into the shape of a pyramid.

With America's most patriotic holiday coming up (after President's Day and Secret Freemasons' Day -- December 25th), we created this exclusive guide on how to win Thanksgiving for our Huffington Post friends.

The traditional Thanksgiving table is home to not just an overflowing cornucopia and a glistening turkey, but also an abundance of exhausting family arguments. When relatives raise annoying topics, you can turn every squabble to your advantage with our tips to win these Thanksgiving conversations:

Mom Prying Into Your Love Life: When your mother asks if you're seeing someone, tell her your impressive date had to cancel to, "perform brain surgery. On himself. In his private clinic atop the Eiffel Tower."

Dad Grilling You About Your Career: Head off questions from Dad about whether you've landed a steady, rewarding job by showing up to dinner with a glittery face full of diamond mine soot.

Little Sister's Newfound Vegetarianism: Remind her that if God didn't want us to eat turkeys, He would have made them even more dry and tasteless than He did already.

Blowhard Uncle's Uninformed Political Diatribes: One-up his ignorant ranting with a confusing political statement of your own--calling the gravy boat the Mayflower then pouring out the gravy onto the rug in the shape of a dollar sign.

College-Aged Brother's Uncomfortable Reminder Of Pilgrims' Treatment Of Native Americans: Point out that the settlers considerately gave the Indians smallpox instead of the much worse bigpox.

Elderly Grandpa's Failing Health: Scream "His hearing is just fine!" until he finally looks up and nods in agreement.

Your Love Life, Again: Promise Mom that if she drops the topic, you'll think about coming home for Christmas.

Bonus Thanksgiving Tip: Don't stop at breaking the wishbone. Using both hands, snap apart the centerpiece, all the stemware, and the carving knife for good luck that will last all year long.

Congratulations! By following our advice, you'll leave the Thanksgiving table stuffed with both mashed potatoes and victory. Be sure to check out How to Win at Everything, available now, to stop living your life and start winning at it.

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