COMEDY

How To Win The Lottery In 100 Easy Steps

$700 million could (and probably will) be yours!

The Powerball lottery is up to about $700 million right now, and it could potentially reach a BILLION dollars soon enough. You want to win it, right? Pay attention to these quick and easy 100 steps, and you're good to go.

  1. Get yourself a comfortable pair of shoes.
  2. Make sure they're not just half-used Kleenex boxes you found.
  3. You didn't check, did you? Seriously, check.
  4. I'll wait.
  5. See, they were half-used Kleenex boxes, weren't they?
  6. You'd be surprised how often that happens.
  7. Take a walk down to your local convenient store.
  8. Beautiful day, isn't it?
  9. Go ahead and get yourself a lottery ticket.
  10. Don't take the random numbers.
  11. Pick your own.
  12. First number, the first two digits of your weight.
  13. Your real weight, not your Tinder weight.
  14. I won't look.
  15. How is Tinder lately, by the way?
  16. Is it still a "hookup" app?
  17. I remember this one crazy date.
  18. Me and two girls outside a dog hotel in Poughkeepsie -- well, anyway ...
  19. Second number, 16.
  20. It's going to be 16. 
  21. No guessing needed on this one.
  22. Okay, the clerk is giving you the evil eye.
  23. Better go buy something.
  24. Hmm ...
  25. Oooh, Combos!
  26. Remember Combos?
  27. You don't really see commercials for Combos ever.
  28. They don't have the pretzel ones though.
  29. Cracker Combos? I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
  30. Corn Nuts? Does anyone eat those things?
  31. Well, you're the only one then.
  32. Moving on.
  33. Ah, here we go! Salt and vinegar Pringles!
  34. What, are you serious? These are great.
  35. Who raised you?
  36. Too bad, we're getting it.
  37. Okay, third number, the last two digits of your phone number.
  38. You actually still have a landline number?
  39. No, for this, your cell phone number.
  40. I'm gonna start eating these Pringles.
  41. Sorry, didn't eat breakfast this morning.
  42. Throw this Coke on there too.
  43. I'll pay you back.
  44. [Snacks on chips, chugs some Coke.]
  45. You know what's funny?
  46. If they call them landlines, why don't they call cell phones space lines?
  47. Right?
  48. Yeah, people always tell me I should be a comedian.
  49. I don't know, I mean, I've got some projects in the pipeline right now.
  50. What?
  51. Oh, the fourth number is 35.
  52. So what are you gonna do with your winnings?
  53. Sounds pretty great ...
  54. ...
  55. ...
  56. ...
  57. ...
  58. Oh, me? Well, glad you asked!
  59. If I won the lottery, I would do a number of things.
  60. First, I would construct the world's largest building.
  61. Big enough so that everyone in America could fit inside.
  62. Then I'd dress the building in the world's largest onesie.
  63. Every American would get in the building.
  64. Then we'd all say the pledge of allegiance.
  65. And at the phrase "one nation," we'd instead say ...
  66. "ONESIE NATION!"
  67. LOL.
  68. ...
  69. Well, you'll sort of have to be there.
  70. In the moment, the energy level will be much higher.
  71. ...
  72. I'm probably not explaining it very well.
  73. The fifth lottery number will be the last two digits of your birth year.
  74. Ooh, good year.
  75. Remember when "Adventures of the Gummi Bears" was a TV show?
  76. "Gummiiii Beaaaaaaaars! Boun-cing here and there and every-where!"
  77. Yeah! Ever watch that??
  78. ...
  79. No, me neither. Was just asking.
  80. Okay, ready for the final number?
  81. The POWERBALL number?
  82. It's 4.
  83. That's it! 
  84. High five!
  85. Yeah, sorry, they're still covered Pringles crumbs.
  86. I sort of just licked my hand too.
  87. How do I know the numbers? I don't.
  88. No, I just made them up.
  89. Statistically, your chances are just as good ...
  90. I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!
  91. OK, well, next time, find your own lottery expert!
  92. I am too! I went to an accredited lottery university.
  93. It's called "I Don't Have To Tell U!"
  94. Oh, real mature!
  95. Yeah, good luck, jerk!
  96. You won't be allowed inside my world's largest onesie-dressed building!
  97. ...
  98. Sorry, that was harsh. You're still allowed in the world's largest onesie-dressed building.
  99. But you're no longer near the head.
  100. Now you're in the footies. Sorry.

 

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