How to Woo a Gay Brit

It has been a spectacular 18 months for Britain: a royal wedding, a jubilee celebration, and now we're hosting the Olympic Games. We are, to use a common British phrase, "the dog's bollocks" in 2012.

As a British man living in the States, I am not totally oblivious to the fact that many Americans have a love of all things British. But it seems that American gay men have a particular penchant for the accent. I have no idea whether this is true of American gay women. I can only assume that their attraction to Keira Knightly is less about the accent and more about the foreplay of getting her out of a period costume dress. That's hours of fun with ruffles, corsets, and petticoats.

But today I write as a public service to the American men who may need a few words of advice should they happen upon a dapper member of my glorious nation. I write from experience, as I personally have fallen victim to the mistakes of many American men in the past, and the horrors have haunted me ever since.

For example, I once met an American who, in the throes of passion, demanded that I speak to him like an old British schoolmaster. Strange indeed, but because he was a former college gymnast (and because I'd had one drink too many) I kindly obliged. Unfortunately, in my merry state the only thing that came to mind was a Hogwarts professor. After half an hour of my best Severus Snape impression, the deduction of 200 house points, and the threat of expulsion, he was one step away from being an ever-pleasing house elf, willing to try anything in any position I asked.

Don't judge me: House elves live to serve. I live with my shame.

So, without further ado, I offer these kind words of wisdom: a list of dos and don'ts that should assist you as you navigate your way into the arms of any British gentleman you might happen upon in a bar (unless he is a Conservative member of parliament, in which case these tips would work just as well in any public wooded area).

• Do identify the accent correctly. I cannot stress how important this is. No one wants to be accused of being Australian.

So far, so good? OK, now you have queued politely at the bar by his side and bought him enough cold beer to soften his stiff upper lip. You've won him over, and you're in the taxi headed to your place. Good for you! But don't get ahead of yourself and mess things up now. Both of your expectations are in place: you are a militant top, hung like Jeff Stryker, and wearing a jockstrap. He is a horcrux that needs to be destroyed by a powerful sword.

Once you arrive at your place, you should lovingly place his bowler hat on the bed knob and adjust the lighting on your Ikea lamps so his blinding pale skin doesn't require sunglasses to behold. But before the fun begins, there are a few more things worth mentioning.

• Do remember we are "as God intended."

Right, chaps, I hope that this will be of some use to you as you go forth in the quest of bedding a Brit. Please remember that we are not all Simon Cowell. We will not judge you until you feel like a tone-deaf, teenage chanteuse whose dream is being torn to ribbons on a public stage. Of course we will judge you. But we will keep it all inside, because that is the politely British thing to do. Well, unless you'd rather we didn't.

But I bet you kind of like that, don't cha?