The most recent divorce gloom and doom comes from Tara Parker-Pope's Well blog from the New York Times where she reported that sons of divorce are three times more likely to consider suicide than males whose parents weren't divorced. As confident as I am about my parenting skills, news like that always makes me cringe a bit. First, because I hate to think of that being true. Second, because so much of the news on divorce is so grim. That's why I share my divorce experience so that people can see that the members of divorced families can still thrive if they choose peace over resentment and anger.
As the divorced mother of an eight-year-old son I feel compelled to find a positive spin on this report or come up with a possible solution. When these kinds of alarming statistics come our way, it is a good opportunity for us to be more mindful about how we are raising our children. Perhaps we need to pay special attention to how our boys are responding to their parents' divorces. Instead of lamenting how divorce is destroying future generations, let's come up with some ideas to help kids cope with their (and our) setbacks.
Here are a few of my suggestions.
1) It is important for boys to have a constant relationship with their fathers. I am a big advocate for both parents having as much contact with their kids as possible. This is why my ex and I both see the kids almost every day. Our custody arrangement is unique that way because our kids spend four nights a week with me and three nights a week with him. Luckily we live 5 minutes away from each other and can come and go with ease. I have noticed that my son is particularly attached to my ex and sometimes calls him and asks him to come over to tuck him in at night. My ex usually says yes.
2) It is also great to cultivate a strong relationship between your son and other men in your life. When we spend time in California, Jonah definitely gravitates more to my dad and really enjoys spending time with him. He is also close with his best friend's single dad with whom he has sleepovers once or twice a month. It's a total boyfest, and they do activities I would never dream of. Lastly, he also takes a weekly karate class with my friend Tobey, and they have developed a wonderful mentor-student relationship. Tobey is a great role model for him and Jonah adores him. These relationships give him a wide range of ideas about masculinity and help him build a strong sense of identity.
3) Always speak well of his father and other men in general. One of the best pieces of advice that I got when I split from my husband was to always make the kids feel like they have the best father ever. Certainly a child feels stronger about himself when he thinks that he has people he can count on. He naturally wants to feel proud of his parents. When we mothers are frustrated with our ex-husbands (or other men we are dating), it is important for us to avoid male bashing. I sometimes fall into the trap of openly disparaging certain unpleasant characteristics that are associated with the male gender, but then I remind myself that I have a future man listening to what I say. I want my son to feel good about his masculinity and know that I admire the men in my life.
4) Encourage your son to talk about his feelings. My son has always been very intuitive and empathetic, traits that aren't usually typical of young boys. I certainly can't take credit for that because he seems to have a natural sense of how people feel, but I do know that I have always encouraged and fomented it. My ex is by nature temperamental and moody, and Jonah and I often talk about how he handles his moods. He understands that he is never to blame for someone else's state of mind and has developed strategies to remain calm and happy regardless of the circumstances of the people around him.
Recently, I made the mistake of letting my kids watch the movie Coraline one Friday night before we went to bed. My six-year-old daughter was both mesmerized and really scared by it and told us that she couldn't fall asleep. Jonah immediately jumped in and told her to think about things that made her happy. He reminded her of three or four occasions during the holidays that had made her laugh. Sure enough, soon she was giggling and happy again. I, personally, was flabbergasted and extremely impressed at his ability to 1) notice moments that brought Layla joy, 2) remember them, and 3) bring them up as a means of helping her dispel her feelings of fear.
Clearly I am biased, but I have to say that my son is a boy who is happy, confident, and has excellent interpersonal skills. He is certainly not going to be some depressing statistic that proves that divorce is damaging to children. I truly believe that with some creativity and dedication on our parts, all our sons of divorce can have equally positive futures ahead of them, and that researchers will soon have to do new studies to report our successes.