Sooo... I am not seeing anyone as of now. These last few weeks have been quite an experience, and I felt like being single for so long has really shaped me into what I am right now. ― or maybe it comes with age. Besides all the good things that come with being single for long, I think below are pretty much what summarizes the cycle I go through while actively dating.
You date a lot. Or not at all.
I am sure not everyone is like me. I have too short an attention span and I constantly look out for new hobbies and things to dive into. To be utterly honest, I dated a lot after my previous break-up. And then there was this peaceful period which I haven’t seen anyone in the past year or so... but yes, I dated someone recently (after a hiatus) and things ended. They ended on a mutual good note, but it has also made me realize how being single for so long does not always put you in a right place to make better decisions. It may cloud your perception of what you’re looking for.
You’d rather be with friends.
Priorities because no drama and hardly ever a bad time. ‘Nuff said.
You can’t open up easily.
It’s not easy for someone like me who hates emotional expression to open up in the first place. Spending so much time alone has made me get even more used to not showing much emotions and ― ugh ―dating someone who’s even more emotionally unavailable and unsure makes everything plain impossible.
Just... what are we doing?
You don’t want to try.
I’m so used to giving up once I feel that it is going to be a difficult feat. Sure, dates sound nice and sweet: go to the movies, have dinner together, make plans, hang out. But once an issue or uncertainty arises, I back the fuck off.
I had a conversation with E (a female friend) today and she told me about her relationship ― how she approached her partner and made things work even though her partner was not as interested in the beginning. However, it turned out really worth the fight. I was just amazed because I can never be like that. I can never approach someone who’s uninterested and push for it even though I know I like him a lot. I would rather be alone and hang out with dogs and my friends..... :(
Hobbies, hobbies. Fun stuff.
You spend most of your time finding what you enjoy doing. Personally, I just listen to music a lot and discover new and old songs. I meet new friends, and I hang out. Recently, I am trying to quit alcohol (and beer) but I think... it might be impossible for me to quit entirely. Good news is I haven’t had a full pint for a week *yay*. However, judging from my circle of close friends, I think I may go right back into it in a mere few weeks.
See, what I have tried to pick up in the time I was peacefully and happily single: doing henna, more doodling (I was horrible at sketching), guitar (still not so good yet), skateboarding (I stopped)... and now i’m looking at going for programming/coding classes and taking up drumming. I AM STOKED. HEHEHE.
AND I WILL BE BACK TAKING MORE PHOTOS.... hehehe.
You start thinking about the chances you’ve let slip.
Honestly, people have asked me to “confirm a lot of guys wooing you, right?” just because. No, I don’t think I am hot stuff/whatever. Remember how average I used to look... and the silly things I did. I wasn’t born pretty. I wasn’t born knowing which makeup style suits me best. I wasn’t born talented or smart. I wasn’t born knowing all I know now.
I worked to where I am right now (although not the best place yet), and I know 100 percent how it feels to be in a slump. I know how it feels to be discouraged. Which is also the reason why I am skeptical when guys start treating me like a princess because, how much do they know me? It just felt like it was for superficial reasons. With that said, sometimes I get led blindly when I am exposed to things (or people) I know I would have never gotten if it was me 5 years ago.
This leads to all the chances I have missed and given up on because I was so busy looking at the stars so far away hoping I would get them when there’re people who r more deserving right beside me. But knowing myself, I can’t settle. I can’t settle yet. I kept pushing it. People who have been the nicest and accepting to me. People who have spoiled me. People who have showered me with so much care and concern as much as my family does. These people don’t come easy. Even though they don’t come easy, I let them slip by.
I don’t regret not taking chances I should have taken because I know it was not the right time. All the more you’re sincere, all the more I know I am unprepared, and all the more I would never take that chance. If it was a cycle all over again, I would still make these decisions again and again.
AND you’re back to square one.
You keep putting in place more qualities and expectations of your next ideal date after one another. You keep your expectations up and higher. The list gets longer. You refuse to settle for less because you constantly remind yourself that you deserve better.
It is unlike me to end a post without a neutral or balanced take on the whole topic (think hopefully-you-will-meet-the-one-eventually posts), but I think I need more time to figure this crap out and write a part two.
On a side note, I am officially employed! Yayyyy *confetti* ALSO, SOOO touched that my friends texted me with job openings after I shared the unemployment-rate-being-all-time-high post on Facebook, but I was already offered a position at that point! I love my friends la. :’) I am starting work in the following week and I am sure my weekends and weekday nights will be burnt. BUT I AM A WEIRDO. I CAN’T WAIT TO BE FUCKING BUSY AND PRODUCTIVE LOL.
I am very appreciative about the comments and feedback people have given me regarding my posts. As someone who’s usually shying away from emotional expression, I am using this platform to fully convey how I see things and my emotions regarding little things that I go through in life. I am sure even my family reading this would feel that they’re seeing a different side of me because I am oddly unemotional.
On my other social media platforms, I post too much rubbish and nonsensical stuff. I am blessed to have readers who relate to my posts and actually tell me that they look forward to reading my posts. :’) I had little expectations of what this online page could develop into but I think I am starting to find my direction. Thank you so much for beginning this humble journey of mine with me :)
A version of this post originally appeared on Coke of All Trades.