Over the next couple of days, Mike Huckabee will campaign in Wisconsin as part of his whirlwind John McCain's Wrinkly-Veteran-White-Ass-Smooching Tour. Of course, early in the campaign, Huckabee declared that he did not believe in evolution, then later did his best to convince voters that his unbelief was really unimportant.
Au contraire, Mr. Huckabee! It is vitally important. Seeing as though the GOP has apparently decided on a sane nominee, the party now needs someone to round out the ticket by appealing to this country's sizeable crazy vote. One might say, then, that your nutty beliefs have in fact become the central issue to your campaign.
With that in mind, we came up with some questions for Huckabee that touch on the creation/evolution debate. Seeing as though he will be campaigning in our state, we thought it was our duty to do so. Seeing as though we're lazy and, as a general rule, afraid of crazy people, we decided to submit our questions in blog form:
1) Evolution posits that whales descended from land-based mammals, whereas the Bible says they were created pretty much as they appear today. Why, then, do you think whales have vestigial leg bones? Is God simply pulling a prank, like when your son killed that stray dog at Boy Scout camp?
2) Evolutionary psychology neatly explains xenophobic attitudes among men as a fear-based reaction to disparate "lekking" (competitive mating) behaviors across cultures (see Miller and Kanazawa), whereas the only explanation within a young-earth paradigm is that God made a lot of moronic redneck assholes and put them in Arkansas. Which theory do you feel best explains your immigration policy?
3) Some evolutionary psychologists surmise that a belief in God results from the survival benefits that come from overestimating intentional forces in unintentional phenomena. That is, primitive people who were more likely to assume a strange or sudden noise was a dangerous animal or other enemy were more likely to be on alert, and thus more likely to survive, compared to people who assumed the noise was just an inanimate force like the wind blowing. This may have led to early man seeing gods or God in unintentional forces such as thunder and lightning. This phenomenon also suggests why women are more religious than men in almost every culture, because women tend to be more averse to risk than men. Being devoutly religious yourself, do you think this helps explain why your hips are so womanly, or does God just hate you?
4) According to Darwinism, Ebola evolved accidentally as a result of selective pressures in its environment while, according to you, God just thinks we look good with blood squirting out of our eyes and rectums. What the fuck? Seriously.
5) The Bible says God made a perfect creation that was irrevocably corrupted when the first humans ate some fruit they weren't supposed to, ultimately resulting in famine, pestilence, war, death, widespread depravity, and your candidacy. Honestly, isn't that just shitty universe design? Even Microsoft would have sent out a patch by now to fix this shit.