Do you often find yourself fantasizing about becoming a Huffpo blogger? Do you love to read other blogs, digest their info, and then expel pre-chewed nut-bag assumptions into a concerned and earnest post? If so, you might be perfect for this blog! So... how do you get the job?
Just tick the boxes!
SECTION ONE: WHO ARE YOU?
Are you famous?
Do you know someone famous?
have you ever brushed up against someone famous?
Was it Warren Beatty?
Did you think he'd be firmer?
Is your husband famous?
(check one of the following)
- Yes I am Rebecca Pidgeon.
- Yes I am Laurie David
- Yes, I am Shiva Rose
- No, but my wife is rich AND famous, I am Brad Hall
- Other lady of leisure:____________________
Where did you spend your summer vacation?
- French Riviera
- Camp Casey
- Deepak Chopra's Seducing the Spirit Retreat
- working as Sean Penn's personal photographer
Which of the following countries have you threatened to move to (check all
- Monaco has no taxes, right?
-Can you work the phrase "tipping point" into a sentence, without actually
reading the book, "The Tipping Point," or even understanding what this
tipping point thing is? Can you pretend to know something without knowing
Do you have a black and white picture of yourself, with your chin resting
comfortably on your fist? When you stare at this picture, do you get a
warm fuzzy feeling, not unlike urinating down your leg?
have you ever written any poetry?
-it doesn't rhyme, does it?
-are you a man?
-if so, when you tell people you're a poet, do they immediately realize they're going to have to pay for dinner?
Have you ever claimed that you are a fiscal Republican?
Just so you can spout lefty crap at parties?
You still go home alone, don't you?
Do you own a Che Guevara sweatshirt?
Did you wear it to a Dave Matthews concert last year?
Did you get beaten up by a group of pissed-off Cubans?
SECTION 2: DISASTER THINKING
-Do you believe that no one can voice support of the IRAQ war UNLESS they are willing to serve in it?
-YET when it came to the flood, you readily assumed an expertise in crisis management within hours of the disaster?
-And only so you could heave blame at Bush like a monkey flinging his own feces?
Do you always try to relate large-scale tragedies to your own life?
-Do you say things like, "Wow, I was just in New Orleans."
-"I had a connecting flight there."
-"I bought some beads in terminal 2."
-"I rented the Big Easy once. It was good."
-do you see "looting" as a function of poverty?
- brought on by Bush's policies?
-do you think you and a looter might get along over a beer?
-as you both agree over the point you just made about poverty?
-do you press charges after he stabs you?
Do you assume all poor people loot when faced with crisis?
-Even though most, if not all, poor people hate looters?
-Even though most, if not all, poor people HATE YOU MORE- for excusing looters?
do you really believe Bush doesn't care about poor, black people?
-But, then, who really seemed to RELISH the tragedy more?
-or The Huffington Post?
-When was the last time you used the word 'deconstruction?'
-Did it feel good?
-How will post-modernism help those in need right now on the Gulf Coast?
-Don't you think hicks who can do construction are more valuable to society than you?
-Does this shocking juxtaposition explain everything at the HuffPo?
Randall Robinson says people were eating corpses in New Orleans.
-is this an example of what Bush calls "soft bigotry of lowered expectations?"
-Do you think Randall's desire to demonize Bush exposed his own delusional fantasies?
-Do you think Randall's pants were on when he wrote that fantasy?
(NOTE:We are not implying that cannibalism is bad. Here at the Huffpo, we love ancient, spiritual cultures. And you can't get much more ancient or spiritual than the Anasazi tribe, and they used cannibalism in religious ceremonies as a method to get followers to pay tribute and build monuments. What these folks were doing was a religious, healing process. In a pot.)
Do you believe people are too afraid to discuss the "taboo" of race?
Yet you can discuss it for hours, insert it into any topic, from natural disasters to footwear?
Do you feel compelled to let blacks know immediately where you stand on the topic of race?
Do you feel compelled to tell blacks how much you admire Spike Jonze?
Do you realize the next day that you meant Spike Lee?
Is there anything racist about the fact that Oprah Winfrey talks black to black people, and then talks differently to white people?
-And what's up with Steadman, anyway?
-He's really taking care of himself!
SECTION THREE: YOUR BELIEFS!
When a crime is committed, do you blame the criminal?
Or do you find a root cause?
Do you try to find a root cause for everything?
How about when your girlfriend dumped you?
What do you think her root cause was?
Was it your obsession with root causes?
or just your small root?
A man wants to date his sister. Does this offend you?
-yes, it does. I'm fairly tolerant of many things, but not incest.
-No, not at all. Centuries from now we'll look back at this time with embarrassment - a time when we thought incest was "wrong." Healthy examples of this lifestyle abound: certain hill-tribes in Cambodia let siblings have sex, and the Indian Kukis are pretty much up for anything! And lets face it: Screwing your sibling guarantees a sex partner who knows you better than anyone. PLUS: NO PROM-NIGHT WORRIES ABOUT MEETING HER FATHER.
WARNING! Does any of this information, so far, cause your brain to absolutely disconnect and move on to another task? Quick: eat a banana or something!
If you had to kill one of the following, which would it be:
- your unborn baby
- a puppy or kitten
- a republican
- your assistant
- your Pilates instructor
- your private jet pilot (who has signed a non-disclosure agreement not to
divulge you have a private jet)
do you think peace is a "process?"
do you think war is evil, no matter what?
do you think you'd have to be stupid to be in the military?
Do you think white soldiers are rednecks?
- and black soldiers are victims of limited opportunity brought on by a racist society?
Do you like to tell people you're a pacifist?
-and that you'd never fight under any circumstance?
-Mind if I stop by your house and take your plasma?
(TV and blood platelets)
Do you like conspiracies?
Does reading about them make you feel smart?
Does obvious truth make you uncomfortable?
When a conspiracy is exposed as a lie, do you think that's part of THE conspiracy?
Do you think people can read your thoughts?
Are you receiving radio transmissions from your dental fillings?
Are they telling you that you're Norman Mailer?
Are they correct?
Do you believe in "shadow" governments?
Can you do "shadow" puppets?
-Do you think conservatives are stiff, humorless and mean?
-have you ever sat through a Tim Robbins play?
-Do you hate authority?
-until you need a cop?
-do you try to have an opinion, even when you really have none?
-do you think googling replaces thinking?
-do you favor high drama over slow progress?
-do you like it when authority figures are "shown up?"
-do you cry for authority figures when you're "helpless?"
-have you ever self-published a book?
-out of your garage?
-are they blocking the dryer?
-do you understand the motivations and feelings of animals?
-because you own a dog?
-do you like to put hats on the dog?
-and take pictures of dog with hat on his head?
HUFFPO QUICK QUIZ!: Could you have predicted that the cause of a lifetime - making Cindy Sheehan the sympathetic icon of our times - could be so easily dropped once we found better dead bodies than Casey to use against the President?
NOW LET'S CONTINUE!
-Do you like to tell people how close you lived to ground zero?
-Even though you live in Florida?
Do you run a progressive "group" blog?
But it's just you, isn't it?
Do you post comments at www.davidcorn.com?
And hope david might respond?
When he doesn't, are you sad?
-Later, do you repeatedly stab the collage of pictures you made of him?
Are you on any advisory boards?
Do you "spearhead" things?
Are you on any advisory boards to "spearhead" things?
Have you ever co-chaired a task force?
Are you a founding member, a president, senior counsel, a visiting fellow, a lecturer and an author of 14 books?
Have you been a memorial lecturer, or earned a honorary degree?
Have you done all this without ever holding an actual job?
Are you devoted to stopping global warming?
Enough to start a "virtual march" ?
Which means you can stay in your mansion that burns ungodly sums of fuel?
Do you believe we live in a toxic world?
Do you see poisons lurking everywhere?
Are you into detoxification?
Do you purify yourself?
Do you own an enema kit?
Does it have a travel case?
Is this travel case monogrammed?
-do you wear a baseball cap when you go to REM concerts?
-does it hide your bald spot?
-do you write for numerous alternative newsweeklies?
-Do you ignore the fact that they survive off escort ads?
-Which you swear you're never calling again.
Do you think we should all think globally?
Are you still living at home?
Are you an artist, author, performer and a visiting professor?
But basically you're famous for covering your genitals in syrup?
And nothing else.
Are you a children's advocate?
Do you have any kids of your own?
AND WHERE THE HELL IS ROSA?
(If she's late again, it's back across the river for her)
Are you a "meditation counsellor?"
Can you speak on spirituality and relationships?
But only for money?
Do you believe we all have souls?
What happened to yours?
Weren't you once Gary Hart?
Are you currently alive?
Do you still tell people you were once married to Jane Fonda?
Do people still care?
Do you consider yourself a "watchdog?"
Do you say you work "for the people?"
Do you think of yourself as a "conscience" for America?
Do you wonder why "No one listens to you anymore?"
Are you a consumer advocate for nonprofit, nonpartisan foundation?
Are you glad knit ties are back in fashion?
-Are you a frequent guest on talk shows?
-would you like to be?
-Do you practice crossing your legs when you're alone?
Do you serve on numerous governing boards, including: Rainforest Action Network, WITNESS, Bioneers, the New Apollo Project and the Social Venture Network?
-Do you do it for the free coffee mugs?
Is everything you work on "non-partisan?"
Are you dedicated to ensuring accountability in the executive branch of the federal government?
Until a Democrat gets into office?
Are you still owed money by Air America?
Is Al Franken not returning your calls?
Have you ever written a "one-woman" show?
and you're a man?
Are you into the "spoken word?"
But prefer to tell people you are a "multi-media artist?"
are these words meant to explain to mom and dad why there are only five other people in the audience?
Do you own ferrets?
Did you name them Noam and Chomsky?
Do you have dreadlocks?
And you're white?
Do you have a henna tattoo, a charity band around your wrist, and an eyebrow ring?
Do you celebrate "individuality" above all?
And you're pushing 40?
Did you ever host a show on PBS?
Have you ever worked on anything that turned a profit?
Are you into global justice?
Have you tried to unionise sweatshop workers in China?
Have you helped organize sex workers in Bangkok?
and you actually got three back to your hotel room for sixty bucks?
Did you ever work for a bi-annual feminist journal?
Are you a Huffington Post commenter?
Have you seen how thin some of the bios are?
Have you ever wondered what you did wrong that you haven't been invited to blog?
Are you chomping at the bit to come after me -- again?
All right... go!