HuffPo Exclusive: Secret Memo Reveals Hillary's Red State Strategy for '08

Hillary's attempt to rebrand herself as a Red State-friendly Democrat continued with her decision to co-sponsor a flag-burning bill. But according to a top secret memo leaked to us by a senior (and wholly fictional) Clinton official, that was just the beginning.
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Hillary Clinton's attempt to rebrand herself as a red state friendly DLC Democrat -- Bush on Brains -- continues with her decision to sign on as a co-sponsor of the Flag Protection Act, which makes it illegal to desecrate the American flag. It's stars, stripes, and triangulation. But, according to a top secret strategy memo leaked to the Huffington Post by a senior (and wholly fictional) Clinton official, this is only the beginning.

FROM: HRCRSSCT (Hillary Rodham Clinton Red State Street Cred Team)

Good news. Our internal polling is going through the roof over HRC's signing on to Bennett's flag burning bill. Our focus group feedback shows it's the perfect have-it-both-ways positioning. We get to be pro-flag and anti-constitutional ban at the same time. Moderate Dems can embrace this as the lesser of two evils; Red Staters just know that we support Old Glory. Sure, we're getting some blowback from the lefty blogs...but that actually helps up our Red state street cred. Messaging suggestion: HRC might want to lay off the flag burning/cross burning comparisons (even NASCAR dads don't equate flag burning protestors with the KKK).

HRCRSSCT recommends that we continue to push the envelope with our Phase Two rollout. Here are the top ideas we discussed at our last meeting. Feedback and progress reports welcome.

Defense of Marriage Act (the Sequel)

HRC proposes amendment to Defense of Marriage Act making it mandatory for gays to marry... but only heterosexuals. It might even play both ways: she's pro-gay marriage (indeed, it's compulsory), but anti gays marrying gays. Insert language into HRC speech, something like "I know this can work, and I speak as someone with experience in troubled marriages." Bonus: anytime HRC talks about her marriage her "sympathetic" numbers spike. Any chance HRC and BC could pull a Huckabee and re-state vows in a covenant marriage?

Shoot On Sight Border Patrol

A Red State "three-fer": we score points with anti-immigration crowd, national security crowd ("shooting terrorists at the border so we don't have to shoot them at home"), and the NRA crowd. Using Gingrich and Frist photo-op template, we should arrange press avail w/Minutemen and Wayne LaPierre (is Heston out of the question? Can we photoshop him in?) Synergistic legislative tie-in to:

Defense of the Second Amendment Act

HRC introduces bill to make possession of a concealed weapon mandatory when voting or getting driver's license. Have banner (and Ted Nugent) ready for announcement: "Hillary '08: She'll Blow You Away." Question: is it legal for HRC to wear a holster and revolver on the floor of the Senate? If so, which plays better: waist, shoulder, or strapped to calf?

Darwin? Darwon't!

HRC sponsors bill requiring that "alternative theories" of creation be discussed in all government buildings. Dobson is on board (he's already faxed bible verses for HRC to memorize for event). For those speaking on this issue for HRC, remember, "Intelligent Design" is not about religion, it's about science. Also, any way to connect Darwin with Darfur?

Sturgis Rally

The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally is being held on August 7th, and we expect HRC to be the "Grand Marshall." HRC has agreed to get three tattoos. Thoughts? Top suggestions so far: "Semper Fi," "Live Fast Die Young," and "Senators Do It on the Floor." Check local chapter of Hell's Angels for endorsement and temp renaming to "Hillary's Angels." Must be sure HRC's motorcycle lessons are completed by then, and remind her to call her bike her "hog." Also, what size bustier and leather skirt is HRC?

War on Satan

HRC sponsors bill authorizing president to use all available force against Satan -- and the nations that harbor him -- to spread freedom and democracy in Hell (get Brownback and Coburn to co-sponsor?). Give perfunctory nod to UN demon inspectors, but avoid giving France veto power. Main goal: removing Beelzebub's WMDP -- weapons of mass demonic possession. Call Chalabi to be transition guy (he's in touch with both sides). Name? Operation Hell Freedom? Or Operation Enduring Exorcism?

Defense of Christmas Act

HRC sponsors bill making it illegal to say the words "Happy Holidays." Likely won't fly with SCOTUS, but we'll still get PR bump. Don't forget Election Day '08 is less than two months before Xmas '08! Maybe we limit ban to federal employees. HRC can prohibit use of "HH" among staff -- and have ritual firing of office violator in October '08. Potential tie-ins: DC bonfire burning DVDs of "Holiday," "Roman Holiday," "Death Takes a Holiday," etc. Have Madonna sing her hit "Holiday" but change the lyrics to "Christmas" (Q: Is she Jewish now?). Could also legally change names of "Chanukah" and "Kwanzaa" to "Christmas" (a win-win-win). Slogan idea: "Single Prayer System"? Check to see if Gibson and O'Reilly will appear at presser and endorse. Make sure to have big cross and manger (with baby Jesus) behind podium. Idea for Hillary '08 slogan: "Hillary: She Saved Christmas."

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