POLITICS

HUFFPOST HILL - Iran Out Of Those Puns Everybody

Rick Perry said "a broken clock is right once a day," confirming the sad truth that a Rick Perry is right zero times a day. The guy who set up Hillary Clinton's private email server isn't cooperating with the FBI, so we may never know why Clinton wanted to put a series of banana peels and upturned rake tines in front of her campaign. And someone fell asleep at a Jeb Bush rally, which rather disconcertingly suggests Bush's low-energy malaise has gone airborne. This is HUFFPOST HILL for Thursday, September 3rd, 2015:

AND WHO WOULDN'T SAY DONALD TRUMP IS TOTALLY TRUSTWORTHY? Trump would never dream of abandoning the political party he joined like 20 minutes ago. Sam Levine: "Donald Trump signed a pledge on Thursday to back the Republican presidential nominee and not to run as an independent should he not win the party's nomination. Trump, who is leading the Republican field, refused to rule out a third-party bid during the Aug. 6 Republican debate, but has been telling party brass that he would not run as an independent, The Huffington Post reported last week." [HuffPost!]

Jeb Bush bored a lady to sleep:

Then he tried to make it better:

UGH CLINTON EMAIL SCANDAL STILL SCANDALING - Michael Isikoff: "The former aide to Hillary Clinton who helped set up and maintain her private email server has declined to talk to the FBI and the State Department inspector general’s office, as well as a congressional committee, invoking his Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate himself, sources familiar with the investigation confirmed to Yahoo News. The move by Bryan Pagliano, who served on Clinton’s 2008 campaign and later as a technology officer in the State Department, to decline to cooperate in two federal probes considerably raises the stakes in the Clinton email investigation, the sources said." [Yahoo!]

Edward Snowden is not okay with Hillary's email thing, which we know because somebody asked for his opinion.

RAND PAUL DEMONSTRATES KEEN GRASP OF HOW DRUG ADDICTION WORKS - Lazy junkies! Ashley Killough: "'People always come up to me and say, "We got heroin problems and all these other problems." You know what? If you work all day long, you don't have time to do heroin,' the Kentucky senator said to applause while holding a meet-and-greet at the Airport Diner in Manchester." [HuffPost]

R U OK DNC'S DWS? - Debbie Wasserman Schultz is a Democratic congresswoman from Florida, chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee, and a big Israel supporter, so she's got a lot of balls up in the air right now. Mike Lillis: "The Democratic National Committee (DNC) chief is under fire from some of the top Democratic presidential hopefuls over her handling of the primary debates, and she's facing a huge decision over whether to support President Obama's historic nuclear deal with Iran." [The Hill]

POOR RICK PERRY - Maybe he's on military time? @philipaklein: Asked by Fox if Trump is right & he’s dropping out, Rick Perry responds: "A broken clock is right once a day." Uh…

WHO IS YOUSEF AL-OTAIBA? He is the most powerful foreign policy bro in Washington, Ryan Grim and Akbar Shahid Ahmed report: "It’s not uncommon to hear him compared to Prince Bandar bin Sultan, who reigned as Saudi Arabia's ambassador to Washington for decades, forging a bond between Gulf and Washington elites. Otaiba himself privately bristles at the comparison -- and he has certainly carved out his own style. 'Bandar had a reputation as being brilliant. [Otaiba] has a little bit more of a bro-ish, frat-boy vibe to him,' says one person who has dined at his mansion. He often schedules meetings at the café inside his gym (the Equinox at the Ritz Carlton). On the lower floors of the State Department, among some, he's known simply as 'Brotaiba.'" CHECK THIS PART OUT: "a Huffington Post reporter told Obama that [a question he'd just been asked] had been prompted by this profile of Otaiba and the UAE’s investment of hundreds of millions of dollars in efforts to influence foreign policy. 'Oh, I know it, it's crazy,' Obama said. 'Look, that's a whole big set of challenges that cuts horizontally across our system and is evident in the Republican primary, and in the fact that you get one rich sugar-daddy and you're off to the races no matter how wacky you are.'" [HuffPost Highline]

DELANEY DOWNER - "The father of a Syrian toddler whose body washed up on a Turkish beach says his boys 'slipped away' from his hands after their rowboat capsized trying to reach the Greek island of Kos with several other refugees…. In an email to CBC News, [the father's sister] said the Canadian government had refused the family's application for refugee status. 'They did not deserve their fate, and the government of Canada bears responsibility for their deaths,' said the grieving aunt." [CBC]

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CONGRATS ON YOUR UPCOMING LOBBYING JOB! Republican Rep. John Kline (Minn.) won't be running for reelection. J. Patrick Coolican: "First elected in 2002, Kline has become an influential chairman of the House Education and Workforce Committee, where he has sought to reshape federal education and training policy, including an overhaul of the No Child Left Behind law. [Star Tribune]

JEB MUST'VE BEEN THRILLED TO FIELD THIS QUESTION - You can almost taste the vomit in his mouth as Bush said, yes, he supposes he'd just have to vote for Donald Trump if it came down to it. Igor Bobic: "In an interview on ABC's 'Good Morning America,' the presidential hopeful said he would 'of course' support the man he has argued isn't worthy -- at least for the time being -- of the nation's highest office." [HuffPost]

UGH FINE, LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS STORY - Walking-and-talking egg avatar Donald Trump channeled every block-worthy idiot on Twitter again. Eugene Scott: "Donald Trump took a jab Wednesday at Jeb Bush for using Spanish to dismiss the mogul's conservative credibility. 'I like Jeb,' Trump told Breitbart News. 'He's a nice man. But he should really set the example by speaking English while in the United States.' [CNN]

OH GREAT LOOK THERE'S MORE OF IT - Jeb Bush says he should be allowed to speak Spanish if he oh God these are things that are actually happening. Sean Sullivan: "'People come to this country to pursue their dreams,' Bush said on ABC's 'Good Morning America.' 'Sometimes they start without speaking English, but they learn English and they add vitality to our country. And the fact that he would say that you only can speak English is kind of ridiculous if you think about it. Are we going to close all the foreign language classes?'" [WashPost]

THIS 'ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK' SPINOFF SET IN KENTUCKY SUCKS - Turns out defying the will of the United States Supreme Court has consequences, which is also why President Al Gore doesn't exist. Dana Liebelson: "A federal judge on Thursday ordered Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis to be jailed for contempt of court. She has waged a personal war against the Supreme Court's decision to legalize same-sex marriage." [HuffPost]

PEOPLE! NO ONE IS REPEALING OBAMACARE! SERIOUSLY! Will Dobbs-Allsopp: "Full repeal of Obamacare through reconciliation has long been a goal for conservatives, but has presented a challenge for budgeteers. The Congressional Budget Office has repeatedly found that repealing the Affordable Care Act would end up costing the government money, thanks in large part to cuts to Medicare spending." [Morning Consult]

CONGRESSMAN UNDER ETHICS INVESTIGAZZZZZZZZZ - Democratic Rep. Mike Honda of California probably broke House rules, a congressional auditor says, and we all know lawmakers are always held to account over these things. Cristina Marcos and Megan R. Wilson: "The Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE), an independent entity which reviews allegations of misconduct and refers matters to the House Ethics Committee, said there is 'substantial reason to believe' that Honda and his staff mixed electoral and official business during the 2012 and 2014 election cycles." [The Hill]

BIDEN IS TOTALLY RUNNING. OR HE JUST GAVE A SPEECH. EITHER ONE. The vice president of the United States said some words aloud today, so he's obviously challenging Hillary Clinton for the nomination now. Jordan Fabian: "Biden spoke to a small gathering at a community center in Davie, Fla., located in a district represented by a key undecided lawmaker, Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, the chairman of the Democratic National Committee. In remarks that lasted nearly an hour, the vice president gave a wonky, detailed and long-winded defense of the Iran deal, a top priority for President Obama." [The Hill]

REPLACE 'BERNIE SANDERS' WITH 'HOWARD DEAN' AND THIS STORY IS FROM 2004 - It's got everything: Bernie! Coders! Brooklyn! Apps or something! Nick Corasaniti: "Throughout the summer, a largely unseen legion of technology professionals across the country -- software developers and designers, product managers and more -- have been moonlighting online on Mr. Sanders’s behalf. They have been applying their initiative, creativity, organizational skills and, above all, technical prowess in their off hours to support an underdog candidate who has been more than grateful for the help." [NYT]

CONGRESS FINALLY LOOKING INTO THAT BENGHAZI BUSINESS - Something about emails and murder? Kelsey Snell: "A top aide to former secretary of state Hillary Clinton testified Thursday before a congressional committee investigating the Benghazi attacks and Clinton’s use of a private e-mail server." [WashPost]

BECAUSE YOU'VE READ THIS FAR - Whoa, did you hear about the new bar that's opening on Pennsylvania Ave SE?

SANDERS NOT TERRIBLY INTERESTED IN HELPING O'MALLEY BEAT HIM - Martin O'Malley wants more debates, which doesn't really do Bernie any good, so no. "In private conversations, confirmed by aides to both candidates, O’Malley representatives have suggested that both Sanders and O’Malley agree to accept invitations to debates not sanctioned by the DNC in a bid to open up the process, which O’Malley last week characterized as being 'rigged' to limit the exposure of front-runner Hillary Rodham Clinton." [WashPost]

COMFORT FOOD

- Kid masterfully pranks parents with iPhone shortcuts.

- Stephen Colbert talks about Jeb! He has beef.

- Beagle puppy hangs on car window.

TWITTERAMA

@jonlovett: "I ran a red light drunk. Why are you here?" "Well the Court ruled in Obergefell..."

@meredithshiner: You guys thank goodness Tom Brady doesn't have to spend 4 consecutive Sundays w/ his supermodel wife in his beautiful mansion #dodgedabullet

@mattyglesias: Trump to GOP: I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me.

@pbump: Man Who Contradicts Himself Constantly to No Ill Effect Signs Ironclad Promise

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