It’s always been difficult for me to establish female friendships. Barring the woman I came out of and a handful of close girlfriends, I tend to enjoy the company of men. Maybe it’s my personality. Maybe it’s because I swear a lot and find fart jokes funny. I don’t know what it is, but I do know that guys have always been easier for me to get along with. Therefore, I have a soft spot for men in general.
I am not a lady-hater. I am well aware that life is a bit less complicated for someone with a penis. I have been belittled in the workplace, paid less than my male coworkers, and have felt the unwanted touch of an inebriated asshat who, clearly, was not used to hearing the word, “No.” I have been cat-called and taunted, rated and judged. I have been laughed at, belittled, and shamed. I have been talked down to, misunderstood, patronized, and taken advantage of.
I am well aware of the gender divide. For all intents and purposes, I should be a loud and proud “feminist.” I should say things like, “Smash the patriarchy!” and I should drink out of mugs that read, “Male Tears.”
I want to be a feminist, but I find it difficult to identify with the word in today’s culture. The definition of feminism is simple and straightforward. From Merriam-Webster, feminism is, “The theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” Simple. Easy. I like it! In that regard, I am a wholehearted feminist; loud and lady-proud. With that said, in today’s world we have, in my opinion, two kinds of feminists: feminists and “feminists.” The former group is all about equality. The latter, I have a bit more of an issue with.
Men aren’t bad. Men aren’t awful. In an attempt to reach equality of the sexes, “feminists” have turned to blaming and attacking men (and women who choose to follow certain gender stereotypes). Men are guilty until proven innocent. Men are becoming “less than.” Women are the “better” sex, the “smarter” and “more capable” sex. Women are the new-and-improved men; the get-shit-done sex.
This sub-group of “feminists” is turning a positive word into a negative. This is a very small group, but it is also a very loud group and it turns millennials like myself away from the idea of feminism. This group makes people like me afraid to say, “I am a feminist,” because that phrase implies that I look down on men. Some people have adopted the term “humanist” to avoid the confusion. I like the word, but I also like the idea behind feminism. I like that there is a movement that recognizes that women are still not quite up to par with men, but I don’t like that within that movement there are women who shun an entire sex; a sex that is needed if we are to truly become equal.
Cutting men out of the equation isn’t the answer. You can’t “smash the patriarchy” by stepping on men. You “smash the patriarchy” by standing tall and by standing next to your sisters and your brothers. You give all men a chance to use their voices to speak, not only with, but for women. Men are powerful. That’s not a misogynistic viewpoint. It’s a fact. Why exclude an entire group of people solely because of their genitals? That’s what we, as feminists, are fighting against. You can’t have equality without treating people like they’re equal. You can’t expect men to listen and to understand that there are still flaws in our system and in our culture if you spit in their faces and undermine who they are as humans. That’s not how a successful movement works.
We need more women to come forward and to not only say, “I am a feminist,” but to speak out against the “feminists” who are giving this movement a bad name. Again, I realize that this is a small group of people. I am not attacking true feminists. I am only trying to shine a light on a handful of individuals who are going about this the wrong way. I am tired of being afraid to say that I am a feminist. I am tired of being looked down on for saying that I enjoy cooking my husband dinner (yes, this has happened to me) or for saying that men, as a whole, are physically stronger than women. That doesn’t make me a “part of the problem.” That makes me a rational human being who has taken an anatomy class.
To the “feminists” out there, girls rule, but that doesn’t mean that boys drool. We have a long four years ahead of us. Now more than ever, we are going to have to stand up and fight to keep the rights that it took us decades to receive. We will need the help of men and we will need the help of women, like myself, who think men need to be a part of this. I am all for calling someone out if they’re being misogynistic, but I see that word thrown around like it’s tequila shots at a fraternity party. Let’s start taking feminism seriously. It shouldn’t be a trend. It shouldn’t be a good excuse for a new ironic sweater. It’s our lives. It’s our daughters, our mothers, our sisters, and our brothers.
I am a feminist and boys, we need you.