“How in the world are you single?!” This question will never not be annoying and frustrating to me. But I answer the same way every time, and that honestly is by making excuses. I blame life, I blame timing, I blame the guys. But I don’t want to blame anyone else anymore. I don’t even want to necessarily blame myself. But I do want to call myself out on something, and that is that I have been going about this whole dating thing totally wrong.
I always ask myself “gosh how did I end up here again” here as in caught up in the middle of another failed relationship.
But deep down, I know exactly why.
My dating life is like a circle. I go after the same type of guys, which leads into the same type of relationships, which ends up being the same type of break ups.
I choose guys who I know don’t really want a serious relationship, who I know deep down have other girls on the side, guys who don’t actually care about me, and guys who aren’t with me for the right reasons.
I think these guys should be labled as my “safe guys” even though they really aren’t “safe” at all. They end up hurting me, in some type of way, every single time. They leave me for someone else, making me feel like I’m not good enough. They’ll cheat or lie, which makes me feel unworthy. Or my favorite, they will leave without any reason why.. which leaves me feeling very confused, and insecure.
But I think that’s just the thing.. in my twisted mind of dating these guys are what I consider safe. Because I know these guys will eventually leave. The thing is I don’t have any high expectations for these guys. I don’t ever expect some type of grand love story to come out of them, or my happily ever after to include holding their hand.
If I am being honest with myself, good guys scare the sh*t out of me.. and I HATE to admit that.
But it’s true, I always run from the guys that I could actually have a good thing with. I don’t allow myself to get close with a good guy, because I don’t want the risk of falling in love, and getting my heart broken again.
So why in the world do you continue to date these kind of men? When you know how it always ends up? Why would you do that? That makes absoultely no sense. And I agree. But hear me out.
I can count the amount of times I have been in love on one hand, with only one finger. I have only truly, honestly, deeply loved one man my entire 22 years on this earth. It’s the only real relationship I have ever really had. It’s the only relationship that I can tie the feeling of being “in love” with. What I thought was my happily ever after ended in the absolute worst pain I have ever felt. I can still remember the way my heart felt when this person walked out of my life. The thought of ever letting someone in as deep as he was, to make me feel the way I did when he left is something I have been scared of ever since it happened over two years ago. No feeling will ever be worse than the one where the only man I ever loved walked out of my life.
So I let this feeling and I let the past consume me. Now I can say, I am honestly, completely over this person. But I have been terrified of the feeling ever since. The feeling of being in love, as well as the feeling of heartbreak. I know that I wont fall in love with the “safe” guys. I will form relationships, and even sometimes develop some feelings, but I will not fall in love. I don’t give my heart away to these men, so I know that I will never get my heart broken.
But I don’t want to live that way anymore. I don’t want my past relationships to hold me back. I don’t want good guys to scare me anymore. I don’t want heartbreak to have a hold over me.
I know exactly what I want;
I want to take chances. I want to give love a fair chance. I want to fall in love with someone great, who I know wont hurt me. I want to give that guy who I pushed away for being too nice a shot. I want a man. I want the man who actually cares about me. Who sees past a pretty face, and instead sees a beautiful heart. Who knows my past, and accepts me anyways. I want a man who takes the time to get to know me, without having to tell him a thing. I want a man who pays attention. I want a man who knows that I am not perfect, but treats me as if I am. I want a man who I don’t have to worry about. I want to know that I am the only one, I want to know that he is with me for the right reasons, I want to feel that he cares, and I want to know that my heart is safe in his hands.
I know that I will find this man, because I have met him before. My heart just wasn’t ready to let anyone have control over it quite yet.
I believe that my heart has grown tremendously over the past few years. I have spent that time getting to know myself. I have gained a better realization of who I am, and what I want in life. I am ready to accept the fact that I can’t always control what happens to me, but I shouldn’t waste any more time on relationships that I know aren’t going anywhere, just to try and keep myself “safe”. I am going to take chances, learn how to trust, and love with my whole heart. And at the right time, when it isn’t forced, or searched for, I will have that great love that I have always longed for.
I might be part of the reason I have been single all this time, but I will also be the reason that my fairy tale love exisits, one day.