When my head hit the ground and I blacked out, I wasn’t prepared for the aftermath of what was to come. I wasn’t prepared for my concussions to lead to significant memory loss and brain damage, and to partner with my depression and anxiety to fight me. I never thought I would get a concussion ever in my life, but now here I am: losing my mind.
I’ve been educating myself about my mental illnesses for a while now, and as a mental health advocate find passion in sharing that side of my struggles. But my concussions have been a relatively quiet and private piece of the puzzle. I tend to tell people I’ve had multiple concussions in a 48 hour period and tell the story of how it happened, and that is the end of the conversation. Hell, even I didn’t believe it was as big of an issue as it is for 3 months after it happened. After those first 3 months, the memory loss and other functions of my mind, such as focus and concentration, had become significantly worse than they previously were. I can’t read an article without getting severe headaches, I constantly forget what I am doing and other facts and events and conversations I have with people, my perception to change is numbed. This, coupled with my mental illness, made it unbearable to think and I live in a constant state of frustration and loss, feeling like I am literally losing my mind and going insane.
Brain cells have died in my head, and no matter how many brain teasers or games I play, no matter how much meditating I do or supplements I take, I can’t help but feel like my mind is failing me. The depression and anxiety have been leeching onto this fact, making it worse. And this issue isn’t just my issue; we see it with athletes and veterans who commit suicide because of the degenerating brain disease Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. They were losing their minds and couldn’t handle it anymore.
With mental health and illness becoming a more trending topic, I’m waiting to see the day where we talk about this cross between mental and physical health that is plaguing many of us day in and out. Concussions and their aftermath is not a topic that many are comfortable with, especially when attached to the show business side of sports, but we need to talk about if we want to keep people on the field, or in their jobs, or just alive. Having to live with this fight myself, I know we can’t just trust that they will heal and move on, because once a mental illness is attached to the brain damage, it won’t let go till you die. And, unfortunately, we’ve seen people choose to let death win over the fight. I want to keep my mind, I will fight to keep my mind, and I want to help other’s do the same.