I Am Not a MILF


Dear Everyone:

I am not terrible-looking, and I have kids, but don't even call me a MILF.

The -ILF section of the slang (if you don't know what MILF means, go ahead and google) reminds me of a crasser version of the now ubiquitous "hot." Once upon a time, hot was a semi-edgy way to say easy on the eyes. (I was never crazy about hot, either. It sounded kind of naughty coming from my 4-year-old: "My daddy is hotter than your daddy.")

Why are we so blase about sassifying and sexualizing everything? Men and women alike use MILF -- have we forgotten what it stands for? In this age of political correctness, how is it that we can get away with, at least linguistically, behaving like stereotypically whistling construction workers? These are, obviously, rhetorical questions, but I'm going to go ahead and send them out to the universe.

While MILF = hot, it is not always used as high praise. I heard a female barista complain the other day, "That (other location of the same coffee) shop is full of annoying MILFs, fresh from the gym with their fake tans." The subtext? These customers aren't simply body-conscious, but -- by the very nature of their upkeep -- superficial, or worse, on the prowl.

Whatever happened to words like lovely or charming, fetching or attractive? I've never heard anyone call Grace Kelly a hottie or a fox or a babe. She was a princess (figuratively and, eventually, literally). Or imagine referring to classy movie and TV-mom Donna Reed -- what a stunner -- as a MILF.

Or maybe you've already gone there. Hubba hubba.

Perhaps I'm hopelessly old fashioned, but I'd rather be called lovely than categorized as somebody you wouldn't mind sleeping with, despite my age or stretchmarks.

What's a 40-something nice girl to do? The red lipstick and the skirt and the curled eyelashes, they're not for you. They're mostly for me, truth be told. Can't I try for decent-looking without becoming, at least according to the term MILF, the object of someone's bedtime wishes?

Because you, my friend, don't have a prayer. I am in a freakishly happy marriage, and we have three children -- and a dog -- counting on us to stay freakishly happy. So here's the thing: I would not like to f---- you.

Not that you asked.

When you say MILF within earshot -- or to the face--of a pretty woman who has undertaken the noble calling of raising the next generation, you are not honoring her. I repeat: it's a diss. But the way MILF is casually tossed around at the burrito bar, on the soccer field sidelines, among high school boys (ew), it's clear you MILF-bombers aren't the least bit ashamed.

You should be spanked. And not in a flirty way.

No one says FILF, I notice. Is this because men don't seem to suffer the slings and arrows of paternity or getting older? Is that why they get a pass, or is it because their fatherhood doesn't define them like motherhood defines moms, especially stay-at-home moms? The M- part of MILF implies that, traditionally, moms should be homely, fat and unconcerned with our appearance. We've given up -- or we should. We had our shot at romance, and now it's all school lunches and stretchy pants. As for our husbands? They couldn't possibly be expected to still be infatuated with us.

Words matter, even juvenile acronyms.

In conclusion, the next time you are tempted to label a winsome woman you meet on the street a MILF, think of your own wife, or mother.

See? Ew.

Cool regards,
Not Flattered