Me: Do you have any dating tips for me?
Sister: Do I have any tips?
Me: Not you. Nora.
Sister: You know what...? She probably could help you.
And so that's who I went to.
I'm currently in that suspended state of love -- but sans of love. I reluctantly re-joined Tinder, but am now slowly weening myself off it again after too many matches have asked me for money to watch them webcam, even though I thought webcamming went out with Friendster.
So in between episodes of "Peppa Pig" and "Paw Patrol" -- whatever the f*ck that is-- I sat my adorable two-and-a-half-year old niece down for a little talk. Well... a big talk. Advanced talk, I'd say. Though from what I hear, she could easily follow what I was saying because she's "quite gifted."
I am meeting people. You don't believe me, do you? Well I am. Okay, more like persons. "People" makes it seem like, OMG I'VE MET LIKE A THOUSNSSD PEOPLE. Again, most have been bots.
But for the few who are real and have a pulse, it's a lot of coffees and... and... tentative plans for future cups of coffee. In one instance it was a beer.
I like the first date to not be a date, if that makes any sense. I don't want any undue stress for anyone. The best (not perfect) first date is a twenty-minute chat over coffee, or a beer. I figure you can at least tell after twenty minutes whether or not you can stand this person enough for a second and more formal date.
Plus, dating is all very taxing on my already vulnerable and anxious psyche. Which is why I thought that if anyone could bring me back down to reality for a giant communal sigh of relief, it would be my munchkin of a niece.
Sitting a toddler down for an interview was surprisingly easier than I thought. Sure, I had to first coerce her into reading a book with me, and then when she saw her blocks she wanted to play with her blocks instead. But I made a deal with her that if she helped me play a game first, we could play blocks afterwards.
I started with just some really general questions. TEST QUESTIONS.
IS YOUR NAME NORA? (Yes)
HAVE YOU CLIMBED MT. EVEREST?(No)
Then, and the reason we're all here, I showed her four pictures of four women, but I said girls, because she's a little girl and I thought that would be more relatable, I don't know?!
I wanted this to be somewhat official so I realized that I needed a "control" picture in the experiment, somebody that I had no connection with or had any chance of dating.
So the fourth woman was Hillary Clinton, because I clearly haven't had coffee with Hillary Clinton, nor have we been texting each other.
I simply showed my niece each photo, asked her which photo did she like the best, and what she thought was the most important quality to look for in a woman -- brains or beauty?
She was honest. Which I appreciated. After all, she is just looking out for my best interest.
Explaining why I woke her up from her nap (I didn't):
On whether she liked #1:
On whether she liked #2:
On whether she liked #3:
On whether she liked #4 (Hillary Clinton):
What should I look for in a woman?
Who she picks and am I ultimately a hopeless romantic?
In case you missed that, she said, "Oh yeah. Of course."