I Can Haz Weaponz

Last week, the internet was abuzz with the story of a decade-old request made to the Pentagon for funding on research for a "gay bomb," which when dropped on the enemy would make them so gay horny for each other that they would just stop heterosexual fighting and start gay kissing all over the place.

But an article on the ABC News site today indicates that the military-industrial research industry does more than just make enemy combatants into the world's fiercest Bobbies Trendy. Funding has also been granted for development of weaponized sharks, psychic teleportation, and the most Dungeons and Dragons bullshit of them all, "shoot-through, invisible, one-way, self-healing shields." That is so many hit points.

This may sound like so much craziness and whimsy, but as Max always says, "everything is impossible until it isn't," (and then Gabe says, "shut up, Max.") But, like, remember how we never thought dragons could be tamed? And now everybody rides a dragon to work. (lame).

Anyway, here are a few weapons we think the army should start developing, since apparently they have more money than Donald Trump pretends to have.

  • Piranha gas that when inhaled turns into a piranha in your lungs with a hunger for lung meat

  • AIDS bullets and/or AIDS grenade launcher
  • Invisible, waterproof scoliosis toast
  • Michel Gondry bomb that turns enemy weapons into sticks and drawings of weapons and the bullets into pieces of paper that when you unwrap them say "war?"
  • A plane with artificial intelligence piloted by Jamie Foxx that when it lands on the ground turns into a wolf with wolf intelligence and lasers for teeth. Also, it is invisible. (only when it's a plane.)
  • A burrito that turns the eater into a dishwasher living in an apartment complex with 9 other men on the edge of town who rides his bike 11 miles to work every day and sends all his earnings back home at the end of each month.
  • Ugly goggles that make the enemy ugly so they are easier to kill
  • A website about Islamic fundamentalism that is a gun that makes you sterile (and puts a hole in your chest using bullets, which are invisible, and the holes are invisible.)
  • Warp tube that when you go down it, you are warped to World 7-2, which is a very difficult level where the chances of death by both fire or drowning are high.
  • Anthrax (invisible)