Dear Eva:
For the past five years I have literally and figuratively disappeared from my family and friends. I lost all contact with them, no calls, emails or letters whatsoever. For all I knew they might of thought I was dead.
I recently decided to make a return to the city I was born and raised in. It is safe to say it has not been the easiest time readjusting to my old life. I'm no longer the immature irresponsible kid I once was. A lot has happen in the past five years; I've become someone else, something else. I've become a grown man.
My sister has told me I've been very distant since I've been back. The problem is I'm not ready to open up. I'm not sure what to do, I feel like maybe if I just act like my old self everything will go back to normal. Since I've been back I've had the urge to make up for my reckless past, I want to make a difference in the world, any suggestions on where to start?
Signed,
Growing Up
Dear Growing Up:
Five years is a long time. In reading your letter I kept hearing the rhythm of "five years, five years" play over and over in my head like an important, though background hum. Five years is a long time.
If one really wanted to shut the door on a few things, five years would probably do it, but unfortunately on its own, would only create the opportunity for deep change, not the change itself. For instance, you probably found immediate relief from the greatest stressors of the situation, were able to think more broadly and in less predictable ways about your situation, and no doubt took some great strides toward your "new you" totally unhindered. All important things, but still, only opportunities for meaningful change, not the change itself.
With time, and five years is plenty of time, there were also likely opportunities to wrestle with some of the deeper questions. Like how did you end up in a situation where drastic separation seemed the best option? What was and continues to be in your power to control, and what internal changes are indicated to free you from this dynamic in the future? Regardless of the circumstances life sometimes throws our way -- some of our doing, some not -- truly claiming our power often means finding the aspects of the circumstance we can control, and leaning into them with the highest integrity and self-love we can muster.
But getting to this level of empowerment isn't an automatic by-product of separation, but comes from understanding, and working through the emotions of the situation: the fear, anger and grief that usually attends great betrayals or disappointments. Most people need skilled support to get through something of this magnitude -- and five years of silence suggests your situation wasn't trifling.
Your desire to "make up for your reckless past" and "make a difference in the world" are mature responses, and suggest you made good use of the time you took. There are also clues in your letter that suggest there's more to do. I do have a suggestion on where to start.
Really finish the work you undertook when you decided to disappear. Take the time and resources required to become truly whole. Reclaiming your right judgment and power will set you up to make the strongest and most far-reaching contribution you are capable of making in your lifetime.
Because I believe in you, and all those who desire to make a positive impact in the world, I'd like to help get you started.
In digesting your letter, and the fact of five long years in which family and friends had to daily cope with your possible death, I couldn't help but wonder about the anger, fear, indifference or what? that made such a situation palatable to you. Intense emotions run deep and will not resolve on their own. That your sister still finds you distant suggests something is still operating here, and working through these emotions would be a solid place to start.
Sometimes folks get overwhelmed by life, not knowing how to create the flexible boundaries they need to keep themselves safe. Real maturity demands that we have a certain fluency with boundary-making. To deeply show up in relationship requires the skilled practice of many different types of boundaries, boundaries that create opportunities for intimacy and connection instead of obstructing them. Knowing how to work with boundaries is an essential skill, and I would say the essential skill, for fearlessness and a life well lived. Starting to develop your boundary skill-set would be another great place to start.
And lastly, the healthy time-out. Disappearing is not really a time-out, more of move of control, but it can be helpful to have a sense of what a healthy time-out looks like so you can begin using it to create the interpersonal space you so clearly need. Let those involved know you're taking a time-out and be willing to negotiate its length. This lowers overall anxiety, and often creates buy-in for "taking space." Returning from your hiatus with some important insight or new skill to contribute is also a hallmark of a healthy time-out. Done this way, time-outs are a gift to all involved.
Hope these suggestions help, and thanks for touching in on your healing journey.
Eva
Recommended Exercise: Whenever there are multiple starting points to a healing journey, and there always are, I typically recommend strengthening one's boundary skills. They have a way of indirectly teaching us all the other life skills we need to succeed with our fearless, well-lived lives.
Want Eva to respond to your life dilemma? Send me your letter via the contact page at www.evapapp.com to contribute to The Eavesdropping Project.
Follow Eva on Twitter: www.twitter.com/evapapptherapy