Two months ago, I was 26 pounds heavier. My clothing size was always an XL and the Abercrombie sales associate was widely amused when I asked for a jacket that would fit me.
When I used to imagine being skinny (I will never be truly "skinny" because I have the body type of a viking) everything seemed wonderful: I would look in the mirror and feel like a goddess (the one with the superpowers, not the 50 Shades kind), people on the streets would throw all types of roses when I walked by, I would be the winner on the next season of America's Next Top Model.
But mostly, I just wanted to experience something I never had before. I wanted to feel sexy.
And hey, just to clarify: Sexy for myself. I didn't work hard to lose weight only so a couple of bored (and boring) guys could yell nasty stuff at me on the streets, I did it for me; I was the one who wanted to feel sexy, to look at myself in the mirror and say "Damn, girl!" But it wasn't, and as hard as I try, it isn't happening...
- I bought expensive Victoria´s Secret glittering bras only to look at them weeks later and think "what the hell am I going to do with this", then proceed to list them on eBay but of course, no one will want to buy your used bra. And I should also admit that I LOVE granny panties. They are comfortable, and that is all you need when it comes to underwear. Go home, thongs; you´re ugly and no one likes you.
- As a last resource, I tried to copy those who I thought were sexy. So I watched lots of Beyonce videos and went through life as if I had the best butt in the neighborhood. But truth be told, I don't, and thanks to the fact that I have the self esteem of a potato, I can't even pretend I do.
Dictionary.com states: "Sexually interesting or exciting. Radiating sexuality" Do I want to radiate sexuality? And it's weird, don't you think, to "radiate sexuality?" I can only picture a microwave in lingerie, saying things like "let´s spend the night together, you stud". Do I want to be a weirdly sexual microwave? Absolutely not.
Then, I turned to the more familiar and honest UrbanDictionary: "Sexy is used to describe someone who you think is amazingly attractive and you want in their pants" --Channing Tatum--. But to be honest, I don't like the idea of anyone just "wanting in my pants" --god, what a horrible expression--. I want someone who would sing Sara Bareilles songs to me, massage my back when it hurts (which, for your information, is everyday, all the time, always), and love froyo as much as I do.
And in the end, I understood: I don't need to become sexy. Neither does anybody.
Sexy is subjective: sexy can be Adriana Lima or me, after 12 weeks of not shaving my legs (winter). Sexy is make up and no make up, actress and barista, Magic Mike XXL and Storage Wars
Why should I change my ways to "feel sexy"? Work hard towards a concept that NEEDS to change: We need more plus sized models, more scared of sexiness Liz Lemons, more Amy Schumers reminding us that butts are not so important and #girlyoudontneedmakeup. We need to understand that things can and will be different than how we conceive them. Please.
So ultimately, I may not be what the Entourage crew --haven't even watched that show but I can already smell the sexism-- would think is "hot, dude!", but I am a smart, strong, funny lady and if that isn´t sexy, well, to hell with it.