I finally understood something about marriage. It took close to two decades and even then, the realization came as a fluttering thought rising just high enough for me to notice before it went back down into my subconscious. It was brought on by a single question and asking it of myself changed everything.
“Are you married because you love your wife or because she makes you happy?”
I sat with that for a while and reflected. Why did it have to be one OR the other? I love her AND she makes me happy. But as the first reaction slowly fell away I started to understand the significance. The key to marital success was hidden in the answer.
Breaking it down further, my analytical mind perceived that this was an application of abundance or lack principle, which is another way of saying that everything is based off two primal emotions – love and fear. Specifically, if I were married because I love my wife then it demonstrates I was acting from the position of abundance. I have love and give it freely since I choose to do so, that makes me happy and I have no need for anything in return. Whereas, if I were in this relationship because of my wife making me happy, then that is an indicator of lack of personal happiness and a dependency on another as provider of it. The first answer is based in love and the second is based in fear.
Understanding this distinction was fascinating but now came the scary part – actually answering the question. My brain went into the ramifications of either choice, pivoted to the past to pinpoint why I got married, sang along with Elle from Legally Blonde “Love! I'm doing this for love” until I managed to stop it long enough to really think it through.
My answer is that I was married because I love my wife. Because I admire her, because I enjoy seeing her growth from a girl I fell in love with to the woman she is today, because of her drive, because of the light in her eyes, because of her tremendous capacity for kindness and a willingness to put everything aside to help another. For that and countless other reasons, I was married and after 18 years still am. I saw very clearly why I tell her often that I love her now more than when we got married. It is because I got to know her, and every year found something else to love.
Answering this question made me feel at peace and re-affirmed that while no relationship is perfect I am in this one for the right reasons. But being truthful to myself I also realized that I had shifted away from simply loving my wife into expecting her to make me happy. In the minutia of life filled with work and parenting it is easy to lose perspective. And by looking inward and asking the question I found that I had.
You see, when we dive deeper we start to realize that many of us tend to think of marriage from the happiness end of the spectrum. Look at the phrases we use to describe it – “I am happiest when I am with you”, “You make this life worth living”, or one I truly loved until this exercise from Jerry McGuire – “You complete me.”
What we should be asking ourselves is why do we need someone else to feel complete or happy or loved? And because we think we do, our paradigm and structures of marriage are constantly measured against a series of indicators which pinpoint just how happy our spouse is making us.
Notice the weight of this equation is heaviest on us. It isn’t on them – loving them, caring for them, taking pleasure in seeing them grow, etc. The focus is on what we bring to the equation in order to receive happiness in return. We try to make it equal as much as we can and say, “We make each other happy” but that still is a justification to receive the adequate amount of happiness which will make us feel complete. And when they don’t, and for a while, we “fall out of love” with them and seek another who could make us happy.
That scary thought brought me back into focus. And it also brought up one more clarifying question – are you a “love giver” or a “love taker”? I believe the answer to this question has a direct correlation to your success in marriage and furthermore show you how happy you really are.
A “love giver” is someone who gives love freely. They get married because they love their spouse and don’t need anything in return. They shine because they are. They don’t require completeness because they are. They love because that’s what they are made of. Love givers won’t feel slighted if they aren’t hugged a certain number of times per day. They won’t hold a grudge if their spouse comes late from work and they won’t squabble over not having sex enough times per week. Love givers don’t wish to be another burden on a busy day, they wish to be the source of love and giving it to their spouse is their ultimate reward.
“Love takers” are the opposite. They get married because they believe you will make them happy. They crave love. Not realizing that it comes from within they seek it from you and everyone around them. They cry on your shoulder, need encouragement, desire recognition, love gifts and huge displays of emotion as those are the sources of their nourishment. In short, being in a relationship with a love taker is a rollercoaster ride, very taxing emotionally and physically and unless they change, neither of you will be happy.
Analyzing this, I knew that I was a love giver but definitely exhibited tendencies of a love taker. That realization snapped me back into place and brought my relationship into focus. I knew what I had to do and what I had to stop doing if I wanted my marriage to succeed. And ever since I used these questions as a compass helping me navigate my marital waters.
Therefore, I share my deep dive and its insights with you, because if you afford yourself some time to really think these questions through, they could have a lasting effect on not just your relationships with others but yourself. Know this, asking them isn’t easy, answering them is much harder but just the fact you do should tell you quite a bit about yourself already!