As I sit here, you curled in arms, puke in my hair and back aching, I cry as you finally fall asleep.
I cry because being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. It has pushed me to limits I didn’t know were possible.
I’m exhausted. ( Mom exhausted is something you’ll only understand once you have babies of your own. ) I’ve gone without showers, food and sleep. My hair is starting to gray and my body aches all the time. I’ve given up the last slice of cake and pieces of my sanity. There are moments when things feel heavy and I just want to scream, “Get off of me!” or run away because mom days are long and never end and it’s really freaking hard.
I’m afraid, even if I never show it. I’ve been afraid since the moment those two lines showed up. I’m afraid every time you climb that jungle gym without my help or dropping you off into your little world each day, even if it’s just preschool. I’m afraid when you’re sick and scared when you are hurting and I don’t know how to fix it.
I worry I’m doing everything wrong and totally messing things up. I worry that one day you’re going to find out I am not the super human you think I am that you do now at 3 and realize I’m completely winging all of this.
But I don’t show you any of this. Because you need me.
I cry.I hurt. I worry.I try.I fail.I learn.
And I forget.
I forgot how fast it all goes, despite every person telling you just that. Somewhere between laundry and tantrums, I forgot. I forgot that there’s only so many weeks ( 720 left to be exact but who’s counting) to teach you all you need to know before I’m going to have to let you go.
There will come a day where you won’t need me to hold your hand or your hair back as you throw up from your tummy ache at 4am. You won’t want to match our outfits or to play house or for me sing you to sleep. You won’t think I’m as cool or smart as you do now. You won’t need me. Not like you do now.
So as I’m holding you, as you cling to me, I am also clinging to you. Right now, I know you need me. I can still make your world feel safe.
One day I will have to let go, but not tonight.
