'I Found Gay Porn On My Husband's Computer and I'm OK With It. How Should I Tell Him?'

View of a teenage girl working with a laptop.
View of a teenage girl working with a laptop.

Reader Probably Doesn't Have Kids Yet, Definitely Not More Than One, writes,

I'm happily married to my husband of six years and we have an amazing, freaky, highly experimental sex life. It's off-the-charts good. He has always known that I'm bisexual since before we were married and he encourages me to find other women to have sex with -- but it's rare. Like, once every few years rare. It really turns him on to the point where his fantasies about me and another woman are pretty much all his dirty talk during sex consists of.

We have recently gotten into a lot of anal play (I found his p-spot) which we both enjoy. Where it gets complicated is I found gay porn on our laptop. If he is bi somewhere on the Kinsey scale, that's fine. I'm more hurt that he wouldn't share that fantasy with me (and it's likely my fault for opening that door.) He's entitled to his fantasy life, so I haven't said anything to him about what I found, even though I really wish it was something he was comfortable sharing with me so we could enjoy it together.

I don't want him to feel oppressed or like he needs to keep secrets from me. After all, he encourages me to enjoy all the facets of my sexuality and I would like to be able to return the favor. Should I hint around, ignore it, or ask him about it?

Dear PDHKYDNMTO,

I have a problem too.  I found out that my husband is hiding a million dollars from me in a joint account.  So I guess he's planning to tell me about it, since my name is on the account.  It could be from his side job as a penis model.  That job is really going well for him.  Also, I woke up the other day and I was a supermodel. What should I do?

Just kidding, but this is a good problem to have.  To summarize: You either don't have kids yet or are the only other person in the world to maintain this good of a sex life with multiple small humans in your home.  Your husband is bi-curious, or bi, but not only don't you not mind, but you'd be totally into fantasizing about it with him.  You want to make your already hot sex life even hotter.  Someone call the fire department! Or don't, because it would probably turn into an orgy with you and your husband and all the firefighters, and then someone's house would burn down while you all were otherwise occupied.

Your husband is likely hesitant to share his bi fantasies because most women are much less tolerant than you are about their husbands having fantasies about same-sex encounters.  Maybe your husband even has a bit of shame about these fantasies.  But the upside of you telling him that you found this porn is so great that, to me, it outweighs the negative side of you snooping. It's kind of like if your husband snooped on your computer and found that you were looking at trips to Aruba and then booked you the exact hotel you wanted to stay at for a two-week vacation.

So, I suggest you say, "Hey, you know what would really turn me on?  To think that you have even MORE hot unexplored fantasies.  I am so grateful and appreciative that you're so into me being bi.  Imagine you were bi too?  Alright, I found gay porn on your computer but the other stuff was true anyway.  Want to have sex and/or talk about this?"  I add that second to last sentence because I think you guys are close enough to be totally honest with each other, but if you want to just say the first and last parts, that's cool too.  Your call.

Now stop writing in or else you're going to make my primary audience of exhausted moms of multiple small kids feel even worse about our lives.  Just kidding, you can write in.  But next time you have to preface your question with something about how you used to be fat in middle school or something so that your life sounds a little less enviable.  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, And If You Have Three Kids Under Six And Are Killing It In The Bedroom Like This, Just Don't Tell Me, Okay?

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.