Reader Snoopy writes,
I accidentally (although slightly snooping) saw a gift I think my fiancé is going to give me on our wedding day in a few weeks. It is very expensive from Tiffany's, but something I don't really like. I know he did try hard to get me something nice. I feel bad because I ruined his surprise, but I would also like to be surprised by his gift. Do I tell him?
Dear S,
Hell yes you do! Unless you are rolling in cash money, it is a ridiculous waste of funds for him to spend a few hundred minimum at Tiffany's for something you hate. The thought isn't what counts when you buy an expensive gift! Imagine having to wear that thing for years so you don't hurt his feelings, or leaving it in your jewelry box while he sadly realizes that you never wear it because you hate it. That isn't going to help anyone except the salesperson who made a commission off your fiancé's misguided purchase.
However, you also mention you'd like to be surprised by his gift. Well, you were, and it was a bad surprise. So, you have to pick between being surprised and liking your gift. I suggest the latter, for a purchase of this magnitude. I suggest that you send him this gift guide that I wrote, and link him to no more than three possible alternate gifts (all less money than the one he picked, by the way, to be nice and tasteful here) and then he can "surprise" you by buying one. But first you need to make sure you don't hurt his feelings and come off like a shallow Real Housewife. So, say something like:
"Honey, I kind of accidentally on purpose found the necklace you bought me for our wedding day. At least I hope it was for me and not for your mistress, in which case I have something more important to ask Dr. Psych Mom about. I am so worried about how you'll take this, but that necklace isn't really my taste. I'm sure you spent a of time picking it out and I know it cost a lot of money, so I'm so scared you'll feel hurt or think I'm ungrateful. The thing is, if we're going to spend that much on a gift, I would rather it be something I really love and will wear all the time. Maybe I can email you a couple of options and you can surprise me with one of them. I love you and I hope you're not mad. Also, I'm saving the gift receipt for what I bought you (I'm hoping you also bought him something here) and I won't be offended if you don't like it and return it. Also, let's have sex."
If the pragmatism in this approach makes you feel sad and yearn for more romance, then accept your ugly gift and wear it with pride, like you will one day with the ugly crap your kids make for you for Mother's Day. Or else just consider this a learning experience that shows you how marriage will slowly but surely suck out the romance and spontaneity from your life. I kid! (Kind of.)
Good luck, and I hope his alternate gift is just as awesome as the sex you'll have with him to mend his bruised ego and distract him from your snooping tendencies. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Picked Out Her Own Ring.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Pre-order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.