On Monday, in an attempt to play catch-up on the movies I missed while away at the Sundance Film Festival, I made the decision to buy a ticket to an afternoon screening of a movie called “I, Frankenstein." I had not read any reviews of “I, Frankenstein,” but, yes, I was aware that those reviews weren’t particularly positive. Regardless, how bad could it be, right? Ha ha, right? (Right?)
While watching, I kept a running diary of my experience. Here’s how that went ...
2:51 p.m.: Five other strangers have joined me in this theater to watch “I, Frankenstein.” To be fair, it’s a Monday afternoon. To be more fair, I am in one of the most populated areas of one of the largest cities in the world.
2:51 p.m.: There’s a trailer for something called “Pompeii,” which I thought was “The Legend of Hercules,” a movie I had seen but barely remember. Kit Harrington from "Game of Thrones" is in "Pompeii," and he appears to not subscribe at all to the whole “I don’t want to be typecast” idea.
2:55 p.m.: I had no idea that the next Liam Neeson movie, "Non-Stop," was set on an airplane. As someone who is terrified of flying anyway, there is no way that I will ever see this movie. [Ed. Note: Sure]
3:07 p.m.: The “I, Frankenstein” title card is solid. See: so far, so good.
3:11 p.m.: This movie just zipped through the whole Frankenstein story in four minutes. Frankenstein’s monster is already burying Dr. Frankenstein.
3:12 p.m.: Frankenstein’s monster is now fighting the devil. Okay.
3:12 p.m.: Bird-humans have joined the fight.
3:13 p.m.: I think I made a mistake.
3:16 p.m.: The bird-humans are actually gargoyles and their leader has re-named Frankenstein’s monster “Adam.” Which is fine, because that’s much easier to write down than “Frankenstein’s monster.”
3:18 p.m.: Honestly, it’s like this movie is being made up as it goes with the cameras rolling. It feels like after every shot the director asked the crew, “Hey, what should we do next? Seriously, anything is fine. It doesn’t matter.”
3:20 p.m.: Adam has gotten himself a slick haircut and now he looks like Aaron Eckhart.
3:23 p.m.: Everyone in this movie has a look on their face that says, “Wow, Aaron Eckhart really did agree to be in this movie. Look at him, he’s right here in front of me. Unbelievable. I wonder if he will autograph my ‘The Dark Knight’ Blu-ray?”
3:22 p.m.: The movie has jumped forward to the present.
3:25 p.m.: I love that Adam has just been hanging out all of this time. Like, I wonder what he thought of 1987? Did he like Starship?
3:25 p.m.: I just realized that Bill Nighy is in this movie and that makes me incredibly sad.
3:28 p.m.: Aaron Eckhart just said the line, “I am not human, nor gargoyle, nor demon,” with a straight face.
3:30 p.m.: There are three teenagers sitting across the theater from me involved in a loud conversation. It really is distracting, but I don’t want to be the person who yells, “Hey, fellas, can you be quiet? I’m really trying to pay attention to ‘I, Frankenstein.’”
3:31 p.m.: I think they just realized that I’m taking notes.
3:31 p.m.: They are all laughing.
3:31 p.m.: I’m going to stop writing things down for a little while.
3:40 p.m.: I wish I would have kept count of how many people burst into flames in this movie.
3:41 p.m.: I think the premise of this movie works better as a comedy.
3:43 p.m.: “I think your boss is a demon prince.” – a line of dialogue from “I, Frankenstein.”
3:47 p.m.: The demons remind me of Max Headroom for some reason.
3:56 p.m.: Adam just said, “I’m a dozen used parts from eight different corpses.” Apparently Dr. Frankenstein only used the most handsome parts from the most handsome corpses.
3:58 p.m.: I miss Sundance.
4:04 p.m.: This movie really is bad. The worst part about it is that it’s just boring. It’s not even “fun bad.”
4:08 p.m.: Everyone seems so horrified of Frankenstein’s monster, but it’s just Aaron Eckhart walking around with a little scar on his face.
4:14 p.m.:
“So, should we put some makeup on Aaron to make him look scary or imposing? Or art least make him look a little more like what Frankenstein’s monster looked like traditionally?”
“Nah.”
4:16 p.m.: Aaron Eckhart just punched a gargoyle in the face.
4:18 p.m.: The demons are wearing suits.
4:19 p.m.: You haven’t lived until you hear Bill Nighy scream, “I am a demon prince!”
4:19 p.m.: I wish Bill Nighy would team up with D.J. Jazzy Jeff and tour as D.J. Jazzy Jeff and the Demon Prince.
4:23 p.m.: I wish this movie were over.
4:23 p.m.: The worst part is that I have no one to blame but myself.
4:29 p.m.: And the last line spoken in “I, Frankenstein” is “I, Frankenstein.”
4:29 p.m.: This should be a new rule, every movie should end with the title being spoken. “And that’s why this was an American hustle.” “It’s so nice to feel that gravity.” “I am the Godfather, part three!”
4:29 p.m.: I think those kids just laughed at me again on the way out. I deserve it.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.
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