Loving came naturally to me, letting go did not.
I remember like it was yesterday. I was back and forth with a man that I wanted a relationship with so badly. During one of our “off-times,” I logged into one of my old Facebook accounts that he didn’t know I still had access to because had he known about it, he would have just blocked that page too like he did with my current one, and I saw that he had updated his cover photo on his Facebook page to a picture of him all boo-ed up with the girl I knew that he had been cheating on me with. All the mutual friends we shared together were leaving praising comments under the picture like they weren’t just telling me how they wished we would finally get married.
I had gotten so used to experiencing the pain he inflicted on me that I didn’t even cry at first although I wanted to. I put my phone down and sat in silence for a minute and then the tears poured from my eyes uncontrollably. I sat there alone in my room and cried like I was dying with no one to save me from the pain.
This was the man that I stayed with while he did a 2 year jail sentence. When he was released, I was there still. I stayed when I saw the motel receipt on his bank card statement, when he tried to talk to one of my friends, when he got the girl he swore he was leaving, pregnant and when I found the messages to other women in his Facebook inbox. I stayed and forgave and forgave countless times all because I truly loved him and couldn’t let go. I couldn’t let go of the hopes and dreams I had for us.
I was the one that stayed during the jail sentences. I was the one that drove 10 hours round trip every other month just to visit him in prison for a few hours. I was the one that had done everything for him. After he was released, he ended up in jail again for something minor and I was the one there, being late for work, just to bail him out. I later found out that the other woman he had left me for was asked to bail him out first but that she did absolutely nothing about it. I remember that he looked me dead in the eye after I bailed him out and stated that we were definitely going to get married. I thought for surely that this was THE awakening moment to proving to him that I was truly the woman for him. I remember I started crying because a part of me didn’t believe him because I had heard it before but my little mustard seed of hope was still there holding on, driving me more insane in the process.
After seeing that photo of him and that same girl that was never there for him like I was, made me break down like never before. I could barely get a photo with him let alone get one posted on his Facebook page.That same day I told him to come get his rims that I was still holding on to in my storage closet at my townhouse. He showed up to my house that day, in her truck, to get his rims. I lost it. I lost all sanity that day and had to do something I never could do before—let go.
I wouldn’t say that my heartbreaks were meant to prepare me for a good man. I would say that my heartbreaks were meant to teach me how to let go. Loving was so easy for me to do but letting go was not.
Walking away from someone I always saw myself with was one of THE hardest tasks for my heart to do. I had to learn the hard truth that forever really isn’t guaranteed to last as long as it’s definition says it’s supposed to last. I had to learn that how you picture your life going with someone, doesn't always work out that way.
That major heartbreak taught me how and when to give up and walk away. That was always my problem before; not knowing how or when to just finally move on and let go when the shit just stopped working out. I gained so much strength and power learning that lesson. I needed to learn that lesson in order to love a good man fearlessly one day because everyone on this earth, good or bad, have a free will; anyone on this earth has the potential to hurt you. There is always a risk of getting hurt when getting close to and loving anyone but there is also a chance that they may be the love of your life that will last forever. Instead of giving up on love, I decided to take heed to the lesson I hurtfully had to learn the hard way.
Don’t let heartbreaks ruin your chances for finding someone to reciprocate all the good love you have to give. Fall in love with a good man and love him fearlessly like your heart was never broken and cherish each day and moment that he hasn't acted on the potential that he has to hurt you. Don't dwell on the "what ifs" because it will silently sabotage your sanity and any healthy relationship.
Just enjoy the good--and keep on enjoying the good that happens everyday with a good man--and know that whatever happens, you're now prepared either way. You now have learned how to let go even when your heart wants to hold on through unnecessary pain. That’s a lesson that no one on this earth could have taught me; I had to experience it for myself.