I could very well write this article in thirteen words and just call it a day:
Dating Advice Is Anything but Advice
Don't listen to us. Any of us.
Did you meet the man or woman of your dreams this past weekend? Women; did you find some lax bro with a beer couzi, backwards hat, hospital bracelet, and a mandible to die for? And guys; did you hook up with a "Bud Girl" ( I may have years ago) who wore boy shorts with the words, "Worth The Crazy" on the butt? Are you two going to fall MADLY IN LOVEOMG?!!?
Well good luck. I'll say it right now, you won't get advice from me-- regardless of how fruitless and underwhelming this relationship already seems to be, I have zero wisdom to pass onto you. Because despite the infinite number of "wrongs" and "bad ideas" I see in dating a lax bro or Bud Girl, you should never get dating advice from a writer. Ever. For the most part, we're a set of single, introverted cuss-balls who suffer from some level of narcissism. If we weren't, we'd find something else to do with our time. All you have to do is read the title to this article. Don't feel like clicking? Fine. The title is, "8 Dating Tips From an Ex-Crazy Single Girl."
😂 x 1,000,000
I rest my case.
As important and accomplished as giving dating advice makes us feel, giving a friend, loved one, or even some mopey droolface you're eavesdropping on in the next booth over at Applebee's while they stuff their face with mozzarella sticks--you really shouldn't give anybody any dating advice. Ever. Unless you've started your own anonymous Wordpress blog and you're using a pseudonym and writing to yourself in the future using the past tense (?).
But you'll ignore me. That's fine. Go pass on your unsolicited wisdom onto people who haven't asked for it. Despite my warnings, people will always give dating advice. As if it's like, a thing. It's no different than parenting the parenter. And we all know how parents flip the fuck out when some single person is like, "Can you not let your child poop in public?" DON'T TELL ME HOW TO PARENT MY CHILD! IF SEBASTIAN WANTS TO POOP IN PUBLIC. HE'LL POOP IN PUBLIC. HE'S GIFTED.
I can't tell you how many times I get, "Oh I have the perfect girl for you, Chris! You will love her." Really? You're sure? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you don't have the perfect girl for me or I would have found her already. I've used Tinder. Bumble. Desperate Men. Desperate Singles. Someone Just Date Me Dating-- I've used all of them. I hang out in coffee shops and libraries and take extra time at the grocery store (prime spots for meeting someone irl). Believe me, you don't have the perfect girl for me.
One of my biggest problems in life is my inability to mind my own damn business. It's an issue. I have trouble with mediocrity and that spills out onto the "trying to fix things" side of the table. So I'll try and fix your relationship-- without you asking for it to be fixed. But I'll be honest with you. If I'm ever out in public (rare) and I just happen to overhear your conversation with your bff about how Kip doesn't pay attention to you, but since you've been together since 2009 and your uterus is aging like a block of grana padano, and EVEN THOUGH HE SLEEPS ON THE COUCH EVERY TIME HE COMES OVER BECAUSE "LEG ROOM," you feel like you should marry him, don't listen to me (or be shocked) when I butt in and say, "Can't wait to buy tickets to that honeymoon." Because as much as I think I know it all, I'm actually guilty of not knowing it all. I am single, after all. Pathetically single. And although my ex still favorite's tweets of mine in the middle of the night and then re-blocks me, I still have trouble traveling around in the single world. So I've accepted the idea that I'll be stuck in this perpetual state of singledom. And because of this, I have formally ended my "Ted Talk Dating Series" (fake) and will no longer bother people (you) with my opinions on dating. Because the only dating advice I'm qualified to give is how to blow it with an amazing woman.
If that's what you want, DM me. My DM's are slippery (you can slide into my DM's in other words).
Last I checked, writers and bloggers don't hold degrees in psychology, family counseling, or have accumulated thousands of hours on paisley-printed couches with hundreds of married couples on the copious ways to work around the rough and windy roads that make up a successful marriage (and breathe).
So [reader], don't listen to us. Stop emailing a writer or a website questions like, "My boyfriend says he's out with his friends but I keep finding drink tickets to strip clubs in his Armani Exchange t-shirt hoodie." Because the easy answer is, "Strip clubs? Has he not heard of internet porn?"
But concise doesn't sell. Well maybe it does, I don't know. But it's usually all about filling up the page with words--answers. Columns labeled "Love Letters," and "The Love Email Inbox." You ask a dumb question and they give a dumber answer that they've either copied out of psychology book or copied from themselves two years ago. And they massage the reader, and hold your hand that isn't actually there. And the answer that comes out is always a pretentious as all fuck answer about how "maybe you should talk to him." Riiiiiiiiiiight. Because you went to SUNY Farmingdale, slapped a "Relationship Columnist" tag on your byline, I'm supposed to take what you say as having any sort of merit.
That's on you if you're going on Yahoo!Answers or writing to "Dear Abby"-- or whatever the hell the millennial equivalent is -- your questions about whether or not you should "marry my girlfriend if I'm secretly in love with her sister?"
You have to email someone that question? Really? Aren't you embarrassed? You don't know the answer to that question? How about, NO.
The answer is no. But my reasoning is different than what you're thinking. The reason you shouldn't marry this poor woman isn't because you're in love with her sister, but that you're an asshole and shouldn't marry her because you thought it was the right decision to sit down and ask advice from someone whose avatar is a Power Ranger holding a banana. And because of that lack of intellect, I'm frightened that in the slight chance you DO marry, you could mate with another human being and create offspring . And that isn't good for us as a whole.
We (you + me + others = we) have all been dumped. We've all cried on a duvet cover with pineapple print on it and have shared similar experiences with losing someone we loved, only to try and get back into the dating game, only to realize that the dating game fucking sucks. And that's not hyperbole or me trying to be funny. Dating. Sucks. Period. At least in the first thirty days where you're both trying to figure out if you like each other enough to get serious, or you don't like each other enough and want to get whatever the opposite of serious is.
So carry on without us. Don't take relationship advice from anyone-- let alone someone on a website. Let us write the trending news and funny GIFs and stories on Pokemon GO. That we can do. But with dating, none of us know what we're talking about. Of course if you ask us we're going to answer. Who can resist giving dating advice? It's like giving plastic bags to children. There's a reason there's a warning label on them. They love 'em.
"Shit, Chris. I thought you were actually going to me give advice."
Mmmmmmm. No. Go ask your friend.
Image Credit: CC0 License