President Obama is 0 for 2 trying to find a commerce secretary. Bill Richardson quit. Judd Gregg quit. So as a service to the President, I am throwing myself into the fray and officially declaring my willingness to be nominated as the next Secretary Of Commerce.
I will be "the People's Commerce Secretary," since I have no formal education or relevant experience and since the last grade I actually completed was eighth. I don't own a suit, have a distinct absence of a haircut and my comical lack of teeth give me the seldom seen in public service look of a hillbilly hockey goalie. Also, I'm not clear on what the Commerce Secretary does.
I do know it has something to do with money. Yes, I have had tax liens. Yes, I currently have four outstanding payday loans. Yes, I am behind in both my car payments and rent. Yes, I am totally unqualified for the position of Commerce Secretary. But - unlike the two previous nominees. - I am no quitter.
If nominated, if I will sit there while members of both political parties lambaste me over all the stuff even a quick Google search of my name would turn up - my repeated and pointless use of profanity, the hundreds of erotic and fetish photos I've taken, and my "comedy" videos suggesting that Hillary Clinton would have punched a baby in the face to win the Presidential nomination. I would proudly fail a drug test and if any Congresspeople or Senators talked shit to me, I'd have to put the smack down because I'm not playing like that, for real.
These hearings won't be fun for me or Congress but they will make awesome television. And I am pretty sure all I have to do is lean over into the microphone ominously and occasionally sweat.
And I can do that.