Man, if the cuts go as deep as everyone is saying they will after the sequester, I'm really worried that my research into an app that helps you find out which members of Congress are douchebags will remain tragically under-funded.
It was going so well, too. My prototype software allowed you to wave your smartphone at your local representative and get back an instant evaluation of either "douchebag" or "half decent." Not only that, my team of developers found a way to simply wave your device at C-SPAN on any given day and get back the same information. Our early tests with swiping your phone across an image of a member of Congress on the Internet were also proving successful at identifying douchebag tendencies in the House.
The bottom line is this vital work may not be able to continue if all these proposed cuts go through. Imagine what it would be like if your ability to instantly peg your representative in Congress as a douchebag were suddenly taken away. I sure hope you will get in touch with your local politicians to make sure that development of the Congressional Douchebag Detector App remains fully funded.
If this pioneering research does get cut off at the knees, I guess we can all take some consolation in one thing. Based on the approval ratings Congress has had lately, we may not need something that lets us know which one of them is a douchebag, anyway.
James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the Web can be found here.