"I Like Cheetos" and Other Confessions From My Adult Life

By all technical measures, I am an adult person. I pay bills and have a retirement plan and schedule yearly mole checks. I have reached a point where I don't like loud music in restaurants and small children expect me to know the answers to things. So technically, I probably shouldn't do a lot of the things I still do. But I also can't help shake the feeling that I'm not the only one--that there are definitely hordes of other grown ups out there who also feel vaguely like total impostors. So in the spirit of transparency, here are just a few of my most egregious offenses to adulthood:

  1. I like Cheetos. A lot. I'm a grown up and I know how to read food labels and I watch Netflix documentaries on how bad things like Cheetos are for my body and the world at large, and I still really like them and eat them. And if someday I have (impressionable, malleable) young kids they'll probably catch me eating them and things like them every now and then. Because I'm only human. SUE ME.

  • I don't always brush my teeth, all right? Sometimes I'm in a rush in the morning. Or I know I'm just about to drink coffee and it will taste gross in my mouth. Or I'm just so darn tired from my long day of being an adult that I fall asleep. Or sometimes, I just don't feel like it--just because. ARREST ME.
  • Sometimes I lie to get out of stuff. Yeah. I said it. Sometimes I commit to something, and then the day of I just plain don't feel like doing it anymore. Or sometimes I just know way ahead of time I won't feel like doing it...ever. So maybe I have a "friend in town" that weekend or am "really coming down with something and think I'll sit this one out guys." And yeah--I know it's inconsiderate and I know it's pretty immature/a big part of what's wrong with our non-committal, cancel-at-the-last-minute reprehensible culture right now, but it's not like I do it most of the time, and also, I think you'll live if I don't make it to your End of Summer Vegan Luau Backyard Mad Men Beach Party. SO SUE ME. ARREST ME THEN SUE ME.
  • A lot of times I "go for a jog" and then just end up walking. But I'll still probably describe it as "I went for a jog." Because sometimes I get two to three minutes into a run and I'd just plain rather be walking. But I try to walk fast. Usually.
  • Sometimes I buy new underwear so I don't have to do laundry for a couple more days. This is definitely not the norm, but it's also definitely happened. It's also why I have so very many pairs of underwear (that, and the fact that I rarely throw out underwear, mostly because time flies and suddenly I have underpants that pre-date some of my younger relatives).
  • So there you have it! A few hard truths from my technically adult life. I invite you to share your own (it actually feels really good)! Also, sorry mom.