This morning around 3AM I woke up to the sound of little footsteps sneaking into our room, then the yell of "MILKY. I WANT MILKY!" I mean, it was 3AM so honestly, to say I was annoyed would be an understatement. She hadn't slept in weeks and I was running on fumes. Wasn't this supposed to be over once they hit toddlerhood? I mean, come on, just five hours of straight sleep, please. The husband and I handled it, she crawled in bed with us, with her "milky" and there we were, all three of us and two dogs snuggled up together in bed.
I woke up the next morning a little sassy and a whole lot groggy. I was dragging big time and feeling like holy cow, this Motherhood thing...the day went on and before I knew it I was sitting on the computer reading about IVF treatments. You know, the thing that we were told we have to do for baby number two. I was feeling really discourage, heartbroken and all the feelings from our first infertility journey were coming back. Why do we have to go through this twice? Why do other families have four babies when we struggled to just have our one miracle baby and are now facing it again for two? She's going to be so lonely without a sibling, we are never going to be able to afford this. All the negative thoughts, rushing into my head. Then the thought of my little miracle baby's little tip toeing came into my head; her tiny little footsteps sneaking into our bedroom, the long nights, zero sleep I've had since having her, the crackers all over the back of my car, the toys all over my house and all of the chaos that has come with becoming a Mother.
I longed for these long nights, I longed for the sound of whining and crying from the other room, I longed for the toys all over the place, for the moment that I got to install a car seat in my car. I longed for all of it, just like I do now for the sound of bickering, the noise of two babies, all of it. Well, the long nights are here, they've been here, the car seat is in my car covered in crackers, the whining happens often and the toys are everywhere and guess what, I love it. I love, every, single, part of it.
Am I tired? SO tired, like that's an understatement. Is my life chaotic? BEYOND. Like I barely find time to brush my teeth, chaotic. Are things hard? YES, especially while we go through life trials and round two of infertility. But am I mad? Not at all. I can't take it for granted. I can feel stressed, tired, all that, yes. But these moments are exactly what I dreamt of, what I gave everything for and they're moments that I would do all the heartache, treatments and pain for all over again.
The reality is, it's just a choice. It's a choice of choosing whether or not you're going to focus on the tiredness, mess around you or whether or not you're going to embrace that little miracle baby you have in your life. It's a choice whether or not you're going to get over the spilled crackers and walk over the toys in the living room and choose to snuggle, enjoy and soak up every single moment of being a Mom because it's truly the most miraculous thing in the world. I put my body through hell to become a Mom, I'm about to do it all over again so you better believe I love these snot covered t-shirts, bags under my eyes and toy filled house because it means I have a tiny human being in the other room that I have more love for than anyone else.
Originally published on Positively Oakes.