I know you are probably thinking I am an idiot. On paper, most would agree with you.
I had the opportunity to take a great paying, high profile management job in fashion where I would be traveling, shopping, spending my time reviewing and selecting the best clothing styles for a coveted national brand. I passed.
And I'm happy. Well usually happy. There is a tough day that passes when one kid pukes on the bed, I haven't showered and the other is on a constant tantrum rotation that I long for my working days but this is a rare occurrence.
The writing was on the wall with my prior job. They had offered me a divisional merchandise management position and I opted to be a senior buyer instead until "I learned the customer, and the culture of the company". But really, I was shelving responsibility, displacing myself from the corporate infrastructure. I wanted to be on the outside. I wanted to not be needed . Ultimately I wanted to be a mom. I know you are probably rolling your eyes. My fresh out of college, career driven self would have too. But I've wanted to be a mom since I was a toddler. I did well in school and took heed to the responses when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I learned to say a "doctor" for some portion of the time, then an "attorney"- an "environmental attorney" more specifically.
Still, it wasn't until I fell in love with one (an attorney that is) that I decided I didn't care about the responses. I wanted to stay with my kids. I didn't want to miss a moment.
I spent a year trying to hold the career and be a mom. I fumbled. A full time nanny, breastfeeding oversupply and travel do not mix. I would become physically ill when away from my baby and since I refused to exceed more than one night away per trip, I would often travel cross country pumping along the way, spend the night not sleeping, have a full day of meetings starting at 7am New York time ( 4am California time) and then get back on a plane to be home with my not sleeping through the night child. I was exhausted, exasperated, and bitter. Bitter toward my job, resentful that I wasn’t able to follow what I knew was my calling. Not the clothes. Not the shoes. Not the fancy business dinners out. Motherhood.
It was a leap. I have been working my entire life- since I was legal to. Even before then I hustled as a babysitter. In college at one point I had three jobs to pay my way.
I did need to relearn where to get my reinforcement and acknowledgement that I was doing a good job. With a corporate job, I could prove my performance with numbers. They were a tangible pat on the back. With motherhood, you don’t have annual reviews or daily reports of your accomplishments. Still, I have learned to count the run into your arm hugs, the kisses, the “I love yous” and the paintings of me and my frizzy hair as my pat on the back, as my good review, my raise.
Like I mentioned before, I have occasional days where I miss the hustle and gratification of good performance in my old job but those days are fleeting. For now, I’m happy being right where I am. Home.
