I Really Did Vet Sarah Palin!

I Really Did Vet Sarah Palin!
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I received this from writer/concerned citizen, Rick Weaver, and I thought I'd share it with all of you:


My friends, it's time for some straight talk about my running mate Sarah Palin, a choice for which I've been unfairly ridiculed by my sexist political enemies and the gender-biased media.
My friends, I can understand how some of you may view Sarah as a knee-jerk, pandering, hypocritical, and reckless choice -- one that did not put "country first" but instead was a cheap political stunt to distract you voters from the post-convention "Obamamania" and the passion, patriotism, vision and judgment exhibited by my Democratic opponent last week while delivering his acceptance speech.

My friends, this notion is "tinh tù!" That's a Vietnamese word meaning "Poppycock!" that I learned during my grueling 5½ year confinement at the Hanoi Hilton back in the 60's - a life-altering experience which, by the way, I will never use to deflect any honest criticism of my current policies, behavior, or blunders; after all, that would only trivialize it for, and dishonor all the other courageous POWs who chose not to use their equally horrible incarceration for their own political gain. Anyway....

My friends, let's be clear, there was nothing "knee-jerk" about Sarah's selection. In fact, I actually met face-to-face with her once before naming her to the ticket, and my "gut" did all the vetting necessary! Dad-gummit, why overthink things? If it worked for W in Iraq, by George it works for me with Sarah! To prove my point to all you naysayers, I hereby publish, verbatim, my vetting interview with our next Vice-President, as we recently sat down in Sedona, Arizona:

JM: Nice to meet you, governor. Welcome to the ranch.
SP: Thank you senator, it's lovely. This is home number...?
JM: Cindy and I call it "Lucky 7."
SP: Well here's a lucky little treat from my home. Aleutian moose mousse.
JM: Thank you, looks...yummy. But let's get right down to brass tacks...
SP: ...my qualifications to be Vice-President...
JM: ...no, how you'll help me steal the disgruntled Hillary voters. I can't win any other way, but frankly, I'm a bit concerned about your positions on issues important to women.
SP: Oh, puh-leeeze...
JM: For instance. I like your anti-choice stand, but couldn't we make an exception in the case of rape or incest?
SP: Any oversexed little tart who can't say "no" doesn't deserve a choice...
JM: ...excuse me?...
SP: ...and I'll remind you that it's all the abortions, not our so-called addiction to oil, that's brought on this global warming thing...
JM: ...huh?...
SP: ...it's God's punishment! Mothers stop killing their babies, Mother Earth'll start cooling down.
JM: That's certainly a unique perspective. But let's talk about our schools. You want to teach "creationism", but not sex education...
SP: ...which isn't needed if there's no sex! With teenagers today, abstinence is the only way! That's what I teach my daughters, and you sure won't see them messing around and getting knocked up.
JM: You must be very proud of them. But what about equal-pay for equal work? As a woman you should support that.
SP: Dude, I pull down the same bucks as Alaska's previous male guv. So what's the problem?
JM: Well, the problem is that when it comes to their core issues, I'm afraid too many undecided women are going to conclude that you're way out of touch, an extremist, far right idealogue.
SP: No, I'm a maverick, just like you! Different is good, right or wrong is irrelevant.
JM. You think we could spin it that way?
SP: Honey trust me, with these Hillary-ites, it's not about issues, it's about body parts, and I've got the same ones as them! With me on your ticket, their votes are a done deal! I mean these gals are passionate, but who ever accused them of having a brain?
JM: Not me, ha ha ha! But let's move on to my main concern, your credentials to be Commander-In-Chief in such a dangerous world. I mean, we've created new enemies, Iran and North Korea are nuking up, Putin's on the prowl, and Bin Laden's been livin'! I'm a 72 year old cancer patient, and you'd only be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office with absolutely no experience in international affairs.
SP: Well maybe you should test my expertise. I just might know more than you think.
JM: Fair enough. Okay, what's your assessment of the current crisis in Georgia?
SP: I think you're about to lose the state to Obama.
JM: What?? No, I mean...
SP: ...just between us, we must suppress the black vote, like Bush did in Florida in 2000.
JM: Uh... I'll take it up with Rove. Okay, next question: With Kim Jong-il, what should be the next step?
SP: Duh... If he's ill, get him to a doctor! Hope he has health insurance, 'cause he won't be getting any from you or me, ha ha! Is he your gardener? If he's a wetback, you can tell me, my ruby reds are sealed.
JM: That's reassuring to know, governor...
SP: Thank you. But I thought this was a quiz on international affairs?
JM: So did I, but... Okay, this is one I've even had trouble with. In the religion of Islam, what is the most significant difference between Shi'a and Sunni?
SP: That's a trick question, senator, but you didn't fool me. It's the apostrophe. Back home in Wasilla, I got straight A's in spelling.
JM: I'm sure you did. But in all honesty I think my worst fears have been confirmed here...
SP: ...because you're ignoring the big picture! Think about what I could really bring to the table here as Vice President. First, as a former beauty contestant, what if I was named a celebrity judge at next year's Miss Universe pageant?
JM: I like that. You could "negotiate" to make Miss United States the winner, if she can only stay on her feet. That would definitely repair our global image and increase our international influence.
SP: Right, but it gets better. As an ex-hockey-mom, I could drive the Zamboni at the 2010 Winter Olympics. Think of the symbolism in my replenishing the ice. People will think we actually do care about the planet!
JM: Great idea. And...in summer, you claim you're an ex-soccer-mom, and I'd name you to the Organizing Committee for the World Cup!
SP: I could get the U.S. an easy draw in the tournament!
JM: No! You could manipulate a winner-take-all-nukes showdown with Iran. Their soccer team surely sucks!
SP: Actually senator, it's better than ours.
JM: Then get Israeli referees, and slip 'em some shekels to throw the game! We'd kick those Persian punks' barbarian butts and take all their warheads for ourselves! We're gonna need 'em, too, for when I liberate Venezuela! And Cuba! God, I'm feeling sixty again!
SP: Yes, but here's the deal sealer. I am a certified, All-American, NRA superstar sharpshooter, the "Annie Oakley" of Alaska, who can bring down a charging polar bear cub at 300 yards! Now, picture me in training, right out on the White House lawn, for the 50 Meter, 3-Position Free Rifle competition for the 2012 Summer Olympics! Just think of the inspiration I'd be to all young women, who could become gun-toting "Li'l Annies" just like me!
JM: My Vice-President with a Gold Medal. I'm getting chills. My re-election would be assured.
SP: Miss Universe, the World Cup, the Olympics! International affairs don't come bigger than that!
JM: Governor, I stand corrected, your Vice-Presidential credentials are truly unique and inspiring. I think you'd better pack your Guccis for a first-class cross-country ticket on the "Straight Talk Express!"
SP: They're Louis Vuitton, but I'll do it! But first, how 'bout some moose mousse!

My friends, there you have it, a thoughtful, thorough vetting, case closed! So I'll catch you soon out on the campaign trail, as soon as I visit my cardiologist. Truth is, ever since Obama's damned speech I've been experiencing some slight chest pains. But don't fret about me or our country, which I always put first, 'cause Sarah will be "ready from day one" to make the big decisions and lead the free world!

My friends, thank you, and God help... er, God bless America!


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