I had been online dating for a while but I hadn’t met my soulmate so I decided I needed to make some changes to my approach. I had specific parameters of what I was looking for: a breathing and capable man, within 50 miles of me (which in Los Angeles could mean over 2 hours in the car), between 35 and 50 years old, and at least my height. I had no preferences for ethnicity, education or religion and yet I still wasn’t having any luck. I had recently read A Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes and was inspired to try it for myself. She said yes to everything and it changed her life, could saying, “Yes,” change my life? I would say yes to anyone who asked me out and see if it affected my life in a positive way.
Just say Yes to the Date!
On the dating apps I was mostly getting messaged by guys between the ages of 18 and 30 and I had politely responded that I was on a certain page of my life and that they weren’t even in the same library. Some of them argued that even at 21 years old, they were ready for a family and I would write back that they might change their minds once they move out of their parent’s house. Then, after my epiphany, I wrote back, “Okay, let’s do it!” I said yes to a short teacher, a 30 year old guy, and a man visiting from England (over a 100 times further than my earlier parameter).
The first date was tea with a history teacher. I got there a few minutes early and ordered an iced tea and found some shade outside. When my date arrived he introduced himself and went to get himself a beverage. When he returned he sat down but he didn’t relax into his seat. He moved his body, the chair and never held still for longer than a second. Can teachers afford coke? Probably not even of the can-kind but what was up with his constant shifting? He would move his chair closer than further away and then at an angle and then under the table. It was so hot outside I barely breathed let alone moved my arms. He nervously talked about history and how our founding fathers were pagans and purposely signed the Declaration of Independence following the lunar cycles. He was very sweet and I got an interesting history lesson, but there was no love connection, except for his love of the past.
The second date was with a wonderful young gay man. I found him sitting in the restaurant like a beauty pageant queen with his legs angled together and ankles crossed. He was so flamboyant he makes Liberace look straight (may he rest in peace)! He informed me that his relatives call him f@gg#t but he said he had a girlfriend for many years. I asked him if they had sex and he said yes but it was never good. Hmmmm… how do I tell him that he would probably have great sex if he just went for it with a hot gay man. I offered to go with him to his next family get-together so I could pose as his girlfriend and I would secretly have a word with his grandma. No one gets to use that word unless they are referring to a bundle of sticks or twigs bound together as fuel. We split the check and hugged goodbye as he told me that the hostess had tried to seat him with a man when he arrived. Even she knew after one-second.
My third and final “just say yes to the date” was with a very perturbed British dude who was here visiting with plans to move to Los Angeles. He complained to me that California drivers are terrible, that the food here isn’t even legal in England and that once you're 60 years old you should just off yourself because who wants to piss in their bed! He dated a 50 year old black woman because he said, “Black don't crack.” He could've had a wonderful 10 years with her before she started soiling the mattress. I paid for my dinner and tried my best to just be positive when he was negative telling him that the bad drivers are the people who just moved here from Idaho, he must be eating at hotdog stands instead of organic restaurants and that I know 80 year olds who keep a dry bed and I hope he doesn’t off himself anytime soon.
So my week of yes didn’t yield the same results as Shonda’s, but I wasn’t willing to try for a year of yes. Saying yes did give me some realizations that when it comes to online dating, you do need to have standards or you’re just wasting your time. When you want an established man who is ready for a commitment, chances are, they won’t be 24 years old and if the guy’s pictures look like he’s gay, he’s probably gay even if he won’t admit it. It’s nice to be open-minded and give guys you normally wouldn’t date a chance, but you also have to know that the chances of it working out are lower. If you’re on a dating budget, don’t waste your dinner dollars on a gay guy unless he’s your GBFF or you can write about it.