I Thought I Wanted to Date But.

Life is so funny, isn't it? I finally feel good about myself, and I don't mean just about my physical self. I feel good mentally, in a good headspace and at peace. I feel confident enough to share my true feelings about any matter, and confident enough not shrink or make myself squeeze into any idea of what I should be or how I should behave. Finally content with my flaws and shortcomings, but still improving and happy with the pace I am going. I know what feels good right away and what doesn't, and I don't waste time trying to make something that feels bad feel good. I don't waste a lot of time anymore doubting how I feel about something. And let me tell you, that is major progress. In the past I doubted almost every feeling I had that didn't fit into someone else's criteria. So, in general I feel good and strong in myself.

I said to myself, this seems like a good time to finally date; I still wanted to find the one. You know, the love of your life. I know that I love love from all the love I gave in past relationships. I love looking forward to a phone call or a text. The excitement of seeing that special smile and all the private looks, you know what I mean -- I missed all that stuff. So after talking with a long time friend about her success on a dating app, I jumped right in. I sought her advice on how to be successful too and she gave great ideas. Things such as ensuring that my profile stated what I really wanted, to weed out what I didn't want etc., and it worked. I was getting matches, they seemed nice enough and pleasant, and attractive enough to me that I welcomed the conversations at first. Then not so much, then not at all.

I asked myself why wasn't I excited to message back, why was I taking so long to respond or not responding at all. Could it be that I don't care to date anymore? That I have gotten so comfortable in my routine and my thoughts that I don't care to share my time with anyone new. But I do make time to chat with friends and loved ones, so I know that I can make time to spend time with others. Why was I so reluctant to do so with potential companions? My mother thinks I am too happy in my routine to change it. I think, maybe there is also a fear of not living up to someone's expectations, so I just don't want to risk it, because I am surely not changing to fit their expectations. Maybe I don't think anyone will fit my expectations. I mean, who the hell knows. As of today, I don't know why. I am still trying to understand myself, so I just deleted the app, and went back to normal non dating life, which so far has been fulfilling. I thought I was ready to date, but I guess I wasn't. And surprisingly enough, I don't care anymore if I meet the right one. It was so important to me a month ago, but now it's not even in my top 3 goals. All I know for sure is that I want to be free to be me, without the confines of someone else's wants and apparently, I don't think there is a man out there that's capable of such a thing. The family, friends and loved ones that accept me as I am give me this freedom and that is fine for now.