tylershields.com
I really used to love Valentine's Day -- in those bygone years when my body was 15 pounds lighter, my savings account was 15 times larger and my IQ was probably 15 points higher. That was before dirty diapers, a tired husband, whiny children, select soccer and a house that refused to stay clean.
I really used to be a very romantic person -- back in those days when eating spicy, exotic food made me feel sexy, not gassy -- and my Valentine's Day present from my husband was a dozen glistening irises, not a Sears Wet Vac.
I used to be a very romantic person until I started waking up in the morning more anxious to see if the baby's diaper was dry than anxious to lie peacefully in my husband's arms and savor the morning quiet. I used to be a very romantic person before I got more excited over introducing my nine-month-old to a new food than going out with my husband to a new restaurant.
I used to be a very romantic person until my husband stopped calling me from the office to say he missed me and loved me and started calling me to ask if the plumber had come to fix the kids' toilet and if I had called the vet to see when Sadie needed her next Parvo shot.
I used to be a very romantic person until my husband stopped buying me expensive chocolates and started buying me nasal spray -- stopped buying me Chanel #5 and started buying me air freshener -- stopped buying me negligees and started buying me Weight Watchers cookbooks.
I used to be a very romantic person until:
1.Every room I walked into had six things out of place
2.Every game I wanted to play had broken and lost pieces
3.Every meal I made that contained anything but ground beef went uneaten
I used to be a very romantic person until Charlie horses in my legs struck while slow dancing with my husband, tendonitis flare-ups in my upper arms made hugging him uncomfortable and pain from recurrent root canals made kissing him none too pleasant.
I used to be a very romantic person until I had children who welcomed me home with one of the following greetings:
"Mom, Sadie pooped on your Oriental mg again."
"Mom, Max tried to make it to the toilet before he threw up. Honest."
"Mom, I knew you'd say 'No' so I called Dad at work and he said we could make the science experiment in the kitchen."
I used to be a very romantic person until:
I.My husband started smoking a cigar after every evening meal to relax instead of exercising before every evening meal to unwind
2.I stopped kissing him hello when he walked in the door from the office and handed him the garbage to take out instead and then, when he returned, handed him my list of complaints over which kid did what to whom that day
3.My husband stopped bringing me in the paper before he left for work in the morning because he was in a hurry but still had enough time to tell me he was low on underwear and to pick up his dry cleaning after 2 p.m. TODAY
4.I figured my husband didn't need all those silly little cards I sent him weekly and I spent the money instead on a manicure for me.
I used to be a very romantic person. I really did.
And, NOW that I've raised all my children, I have no excuse. It's time to organize my house, lose 15 pounds, go to the orthopedist, oral surgeon, internist, vet and dry cleaner, plus expand my mind and vocabulary. And be a very romantic person once again.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
