Reader Pandora writes,
I was wondering what your thoughts were on asking for my three-year, live-in boyfriend's Facebook and phone password/access? A little history... I am 39, he is 41, he is very loving and affectionate towards me and I feel we have a great relationship, but I can't help but feel unsettled at times. See, his FB friends are hidden from me and has been since day one. He is friends with all his exes and every girl that he has ever met, in a bar or on a dating site. He also has the thumb print password on his iPhone. I feel that it's the fact that I don't have free access is what is making me feel this way. I'm not sure if it is a no-no to request this from him. Help please!
The moniker I gave you alludes to the fable of Pandora's box. Look, you have a great relationship. You are in the middle of your lives and you have found a long term partner. Be grateful for the happiness you have. If there is nothing wrong with your relationship, don't make a problem. Don't go snooping or asking him to see everything he does. What are the reasons he gives for not allowing you access? Try taking them at face value.
If your partner was staying out all hours or acting suspicious, I would see your point. But maybe he's just private. Maybe he does flirt innocently with people. I would also look internally at yourself for why this issue is so important to you. I grant you that it's weird that you can't see his Facebook friends. But why do you continue to think about it? Sometimes in situations like this, there is a childhood history of a person having an emotionally unavailable parent. Then, in adulthood, they subconsciously look for an emotionally unavailable partner, OR they make up reasons that a good partner is acting emotionally unavailable. Basically, no amount of closeness is ever enough. Until you figure out if this is you, you won't be able to take a clearheaded look at why this issue perturbs you so greatly. Read more about attachment theory here.
Now, if there are other warning signs that your partner isn't faithful that you didn't share with me, then follow your gut. But if you're in a relationship with a great guy that just doesn't feel like opening up all of his correspondence to your scrutiny, don't look a gift horse in the mouth and don't start a problem. Also, if anything I said about childhood issues resonates with you, it would be very helpful to start insight-oriented psychotherapy so that you could get to the root of your possible trust issues for once and for all. Also, read Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence for why it is a positive thing for partners to have their own separate lives. Knowing everything about your partner is often the death knell of passion.
Great question, and thanks for writing in. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Doesn't Have Access To My Husband's Facebook So If Any Of You Are Sleeping With Him, Back Off. Or At Least Write Me A Guest Post About It.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Pre-order her newest book 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage, and order her first book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation, here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.