Big Brother 12 : I, Boobiac!

"I met a traveller from an antique land/
Who said: 'Two vast and trunkless legs of stone/
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,/
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown/
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command/
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read/
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,/
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed./
And on the pedestal these words appear:/
`My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:/
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'/
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay/
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,/
The lone and level sands stretch far away'."
- Ozymandias, Percy Bysshe Shelley.

Okay, I'm a bit late. I have a life. Last night, while you were watching Big Brother's eviction show, I was seated in the Pantages Theater, seeing Young Frankenstein. It meant I couldn't even start on this column until after midnight, so If I'm a bit cranky, it's because I'm more tired than usual, but then, I got to meet ex-Mousketeer Bobby Burgess at the theater. Wow! Bobby!

Sunday: Captain Kosher's parting shots last week set off dynamite in Rachel, aka Boobiac, which detonated in Kristen's face the moment Boobiac won HOH a second time, thus demonstrating that she is the Empress Caligulotta, Absolute Ruler of All She Surveys. Look on my boobs, ye mighty, and despair.

So as The Chenbot was telling us boring stuff about how to vote for a new Saboteur (zzzz), fireworks were going off back in the fake-boxing rink as, drunk with power and victory - and probably Tequila (as I was) - Boobiac realized that the only possible reason Kristen was having a showmance with Hayden was because Kristen wanted to come between Boobiac and her man! The facts allow for no other possible explanation. Boobsie attacked, and Kristen did her version of firing back, and everyone else took a seat for the real show.

Kristen on her outing as a showhore: "Oh my God, the worst thing that I could have ever imagined, happened." Hugh Jackman died? "We were so careful." I mean we had sex next to a sleeping Jew. What could be more careful than that?

The Beast: "No way! This whole time I thought they were cousins, but now I found out, they're kissing cousins." Beast, I already used that line last week. Keep up. (There are times when I think the Houseguests don't read my column. Well then, they've only themselves to blame. I've tried to help.)

Hayden's response to The Captain's pronouncements, while we were off watching The Chenbot say stuff like: "Ragan, who are you voting to evict?", was to flat-out deny the truth of Captain Kosher's truth. Not thinking, he immediately lied a lie that, no matter what happened that week, would eventually be revealed as a lie, and cast doubt on his play to his allies.

Kristen came on board with the lie, claiming she would never be so gross as to do what The Captain said she had in the bed next to a sleeping Jew, perhaps not taking into account that CBS had also been broadcasting it, and that her boy friend, left behind in Philly, would also be watching her late-night make-out sessions with Hayden in the bed next to the wide-awake, notes-taking, Jewish doctor.

Boobiac welcomed The Captain's accusations, as they would "take the attention off of us, and put it all on them." Please notice exactly how much time passes between Boobiac's delight in losing the center-of-attention spot, and her utter and irrevocable reclamation of said center-of-attention spot. Who's Daddy's Little Attention-Whore? You are! Yes you are! Got your nose!

"Floaters, you better grab a life-vest, Kristen!" Announced Boobiac less than ten minutes after her relief at the attention being taken off of her. As for it being a dangerous time for "floaters," major floaters Bitchney and Ragan have a carefree, threat-free week, and floater Kathy is in a spot of potential-danger that never pans into anything, so the floaters actually did right well this week, except for Boobiac's brand-new (as of this exact instant) Arch-Enematrix, Kristen, Misstress of Evil Threat.

"What competitions have you won?" Boobiac hurled at Kristen's face. Well, it's a legitimate question. Boobiac has proved effective in some competitions, but Kristen's record as a competitor ranks only ahead of Kathy. But then, how big a "threat" is posed by someone whose game is all diary room talk, and zero action?

Boobiac took the ante up to a higher level of insanity, by now affirming that she, like The Captain, had had to listen to Hayden and Kristen making out in a room with them, a lame lie indeed since, even if somehow Kristen had started making out with Hayden in a room with Boobiac and Brendan both in it, Boobiac would never have heard a bit of it over her own slurping, laughing, and screaming as she did Brendan.

That this time the accusation is a lie really set Kristen off into a full-out hysterical screaming match between these two prize bitches. Poor Kristen. She's dying to say: "Look, what The Captain said was at least true, but you're just plain lying. We've never done it around you two, only around Andrew!" But she couldn't really use that clincher, now could she?

Hayden at one point tried to make a degree in chemistry sound no more impressive than a degree in fashion. I'm sorry, Hayden, but a degree in chemistry is an impressive thing to have. For the record, my father had a degree in chemistry. A "degree in fashion" is, let's face it, a joke. (Also for the record, at no time was my father ever a chorus boy, nor a "VIP Cocktail Waiter.")

But Hayden did make a strong and funny point by posing to Boobiac this challenge: "String a sentence together without usin' the word 'like,' will you?" (She has not, to my knowledge, yet met the conditions of this challenge.) Ragan was lucky that Boobiac didn't notice his laughing at this attack on her inarticulateness. The Empress Caligulotta may not be amused. She might even take it as evidence that Ragan was trying to come between her and her man. (Which Ragan would love to do!)

Kristen belittled Boobiac's HOH wins record: "Just because you won two out of four is not that big of a deal." Again, a weak point of attack. Boobiac's two-out-of-four is a lot bigger deal than Kristen's none-out-of-four.

Then was born The Great Justification. Earlier in the week, Boobiac had asked Kristen if, should she win HOH (like that would ever happen), would she nominate her and Brendan? Kristen had said she didn't know for certain, but she didn't think so.

Now Boobiac, and Brendan as well, rewrote that as Kristen basically telling her "I'm-a gunnin' fer ye, ya varmit, and I aims to have at thee till kingdom come. So help me, I does!" So any full-throttle "Get Kristen" movement Boobiac might spearhead that week would just be self-preservation, not an insane and pointless fixation, while remaining blind to the fact that everyone there wants them out.

Kristen's Empty Promises, #1: Kristen to Boobiac: "I'm gonna stay here, and I'm gonna get you guys."

The rest of the houseguests, while trying their best to look uncomfortable and awkward, were actually eating the show with a spoon. Bitchney was loooooviiiinnnng it! Lane, aka The Beast, was so into it, he was forgetting to look embarrassed, and watched with rapt attention. I sensed he wished he had a rewind button. I'm glad I did. Enzo, who calls himself "Meow Meow," hence my name for him, The Pussy, wanted to get them boxing gloves, mud, Jell-o, cooking oil, whipped cream, horny dwarfs, anything. He just wanted to watch Raquel Welch and Martine Beswicke go at each other all day long, preferably with a beer and some popcorn. Where's Wifey when she's needed?

Of course, Boobiac was not always choosing the most-vulnerable areas of attack herself. For a woman dragging a couple tons of silicone around in her bra, and wearing enough florescent hair extensions to weave a festive area rug, to accuse another woman of "fakeness" seems to me an ill-selected shot.

Kristen told us that Boobiac is "a complete ho-bag." We know, Kristen, we've been watching the show. However, it is nice to know that she's finally complete. Kristen also posited that Boobiac had been jealous of her (Kristen) since day one. Ah, jealous of what?

The Empress Caligulotta noticed Kathy give Kristen a consoling hug for having to endure her first serious amounts of airtime since the season began. To the eagle eye of Boobiac, one thing was abundantly clear: Kathy is trying to come between her and her man. Although Kathy refused to "peek friends in this house," neutrality works for Switzerland, not for Big Brother.

Once alone with Brendan and us, Boobiac revealed the sort of Empress she wished to be: "I'm gonna be the biggest bitch this week that Big Brother has ever seen."

Brendan understands the concept that there will come a next week, and the person whom she is bitchiest to this week may well be HOH next week. This doesn't faze The Empress Caligulotta, who now realizes that she is fated to win HOH each alternate-week, forever, and Brendan will just have to win it on the other weeks. This plan is foolproof! No, it's more than foolproof; it's inevitable!

Brendan entertains the disloyal and suspect notion that there may come a week when neither one of them is in control, like last week, and the first week, and maybe they should not take a "scorched earth" policy during her reign. What is this? Is Brendan trying to come between her and her man? Nobody comes between her and her man! Especially not a man! Ew. And really extra-especially, not the same man!

The Brigade must debate Kristen in committee, that is, without Hayden. The debate is short. First bylaw of The Brigade: Bros before hos. For Hayden's own good, Kristen must be evicted. If The Beatles had only evicted Yoko in the fourth week, they might still be together, not that anyone in The Brigade has any idea who The Beatles were.

The Pussy summed up the committee's findings: "We gotta get Kristen outta here, so Hayden can get his head back into de game, and De Brigade can start runnin' tings again." I think what amused me most was the inclusion of the word "again" at the end of the sentence, as though implying that there had been some point in the distant past, perhaps shortly after the Third Age of Middle-Earth ended, when The Brigade had been "runnin' tings." I recall two weeks when members of The Brigade were HOH, but during those weeks, they failed utterly to eliminate either their primary target, Brendan, or their secondary target, Booobiac.

Hayden gets that there's a next week, and his desire to be part of it far exceeds the convenience of having a mildly-attractive slut in the house who will feed his ego and his other desires when ever they have nothing better to do, which in the BB house, is about 90% of the time. So he was off to Boobiac to make peace, and, while he would prefer that Kristen remain in the house to meet his necking needs, he's more than willing to sacrifice her to The Empress if that's what it takes to avoid eviction. I'm sure he's melting the hearts of 'tween masochists all across our great nation. Team Edward and Team Jacob are so last month. It's Team Hayden vs Team Brendan now.

Boobiac seldom displays any class. She seldom displays any awareness that there is such a thing as class, so when she does stumble into showing a teensy bit of it, it is a shame to have it stepped on so thoroughly. Understandable, but a shame. Boobiac came and apologized for "heat of the moment" comments she had made, just as Hayden had just come and done to her. It took guts to face Kristen in that vulnerable, contrite way. If Kristen had responded differently, her whole week might have been altered, and she might even have had a next week.

But instead she mistook showing vulnerability for weakness, and attacked full throttle again, and this time, Fredonia was going to war. Hayden was aware that Kristen was going to be the losing side. Time to cut himself loose, before she drags him down in her wake. So he was off to re-affirm his "Bros Before Hos" blood oath with The Brigade.

When it got to show-off-the-HOH-Room time, I was almost surprised anyone went along with pretending to be excited to see all of Boobiac's stuff again. But The Empress Caligulotta takes any slights badly. Nonetheless, in what may be a Big Brother First, Kristen did sit out an HOH Room showing. You could hear Boobiac's hubris beginning to run amuck: "Does she realize who won HOH, and who is in power here? Me!"

Okay, The Pussy was funny fake-fawning over Boobiac's Spice Girls CD, with Boobiac utterly clueless to the fact that The Pussy's interest in the Spice Girls ranks just below his interest in the annual temperature fluctuations at the Martian equator.

Reward Competition: This was their annual movie-promotion-tie-in event. The movie being shilled this year is The Other Guys, a buddy-cop movie starring Comedy Legend Mark Wahlberg, and the terminally-overpraised Will Ferrell. While I will pass on seeing almost any movie with Will Ferrell in it, I also understand that the houseguests have been locked in there with no TV, no radio, no movies, no internet, most of them probably illiterate, or at best, never read for pleasure, no nothing, for a month now. They're bored. And when you're starving, manure can taste like caviar.

The challenge was themed to cop movie car chases, and Boobiac hostessed dressed as a lady-cop-stripper.

Kathy: "When I walk outside, I'm as happy as pig in mud... [I'm almost certain she didn't use "pig" to refer to cops, but who knows?] ... because I can see crime scene tape, police cars, obstacles, everything that just makes me smile." What a shame they haven't got someone drawing a chalk outline around a murder victim; Kathy would probably have a full-on orgasm. How horrible it must be for her to be away from crime scenes and the aftermaths of violence for a month. Poor dear. I feel for her.

It was basically an obstacle course race, with three teams of three joined together by having to run the course sharing a big "cop car" prop. (Part of the course took them through a faux car wash, which wasn't so much an obstacle as an annoyance.)

Kristen's Empty Promises, #2: Kristen on the cop car chase competition: "I am so determined to win this competition. I want to rub it in Rachel and Brendan's face. Turn the sirens on, because Kristen's coming through."

It wasn't just that Kristen's unbelievably lame team of her, Ragan, and Kathy lost. It wasn't just that they came in third of three. It wasn't just that the difference in time between the winning team of Brendan, Hayden, and The Pussy, and the second place team of The Beast, Mr. Mensa, and Bitchney was just 5 seconds, while the difference in time between the second place team and the third place team of Kristen, Ragan and Kathy was one minutes and 11 seconds. It wasn't having an actual cop on the team in a cop-themed challenge turned out to be, to put it mildly, not an advantage. It wasn't even that the three lamest challenge-players had purposely joined up together, seemingly with the intention to create a sure-bet losing team, as no other motive could apply.

No, it was that Ragan, as the lead man in the vehicle, took as his goal, not so much winning, as nobody breaking a hip. No one on the team had any sense of urgency. "Be careful here. Nobody slip. Everyone caught up? Go slowly." These seemed to be their watchwords.

Kathy followed her usual challenge strategy of turning into what Ragan described with total accuracy as a "dead body." Kathy's excuse for behaving like a five foot sack of flour during the contest? "I'm not used to sitting in the back of the control car; I'm used to driving." Kathy, no one was driving. There was no engine. You were three idiots carrying around a wooden frame painted like a patrol car. If you'd been in front, they'd have had to push your dead weight around, instead of dragging you behind, like a dead tail. When they limped over the finish, emcee Boobiac said: "Good job, you guys, good job." She didn't appear to fear Kristen rubbing this win in her face.

The Pussy didn't like being in a cop car. If they'd had one painted as a crook's getaway car, he'd have probably done better, but as it was, his team won, and collapsing into a heap, giggling like a schoolgirl, The Pussy clearly relished being the meat in a Hayden-Brendan sandwich. Hayden, on the bottom, was less elated about having two men lying on top of him, though his complaints were oddly specific: "Enzo is right up on me, hips to cheeks. I don't normally find myself in this type of position, especially a thirty-two-year old dude, he's married. It's like, come on, Enzo. That guy loves to cuddle."

So if The Pussy were a different age (Hayden gives us no hint whether he prefers older men or younger, merely not men who are 32.), and/or single, Hayden would consider finding himself in that type of position to be normal. Okay. Just wanted to be clear about it. At least Hayden appreciates The Pussy's commitment to cuddling. Kristen probably rushes right off when she's through shagging him. "I can only sleep well on my own Have-Nots wooden chaise lounge."

The Beast knew this would be his lucky day: "Dey were lucky it wasn't an HOH today, because I was gonna take that down too." But since it wasn't, he'd shot his competition load for the week, and did impressively poorly when the actual HOH challenge came around. Too bad for him they hadn't held it 6 days early.

Poor Bitchney. The things a girl's gotta do to stay alive in this game. This week, her survival apparently hinged on her taking a bubble bath with Boobiac. (An oddly over-dressed bubble bath. I always try to remember to take my bikini off before taking a bath, but here both Boobiac and Bitchney forgot to undress first. You'd have thought one of them might have noticed the other one's suit and pointed it out.)

It was lucky for the audience that they were discussing strategy, and making nasty, catty remarks about Kristen (very similar to the exact same sort of catty remarks Bitchney was making about Boobiac with Monet just two weeks ago.), because this footage was going to air, no matter what they were talking about.

For those of you who got so caught up in the visuals that you missed the discussion, it was all about what a bitch Kristen is, which in her way she is, ignoring, of course, what huge bitches both Bitchney and Boobiac are, and how everything they're saying together about Kristen now, Bitchney was saying about Boobiac before, and will be again, next week.

Kathy, in arguing against being put up for the sin of being Kristen's friend, said: "I'd appreciate if you didn't. I've already struggled enough, Rachel." Does it not occur to this doofus that the Empress Boobiac, focus of much of the house's enmity (albeit, earned), is equally sick of struggling, and this pity plea will fall on deaf ears. "Her struggle? What about my struggle? What about mein kampf?" CBS didn't put Kathy on the show to coast, and get dragged though challenges.

Hayden advised Kristen to go up and at least talk to Boobiac, better still, apologize. Kristen won't hear of it. Is she there to indulge her pride, or win $500,000? She went up to confront The Empress in her throne room.

Her half-hearted apology did her no good. It was too late. All Boobiac heard was an opportunity to let Kristen find out what it's like to get an humiliating apology out only to get it thrown back in one's face. They quickly began debating whether The Great Justification was real or just Boobiac's insane fantasy. (It's the latter.)

Nominations: Hayden and Kristen were nominated. Try to deal with the shock.

Boobiac is not good at speaking extemporare. She gave as among her reasons: "You were gunning for me and Brendan, so bring it on."

I think it's important to understand why Boobiac spoke that stupid sentence: "Bring it on." She had heard people say it in movies and on TV. She undoubtedly heard Ex-President Bush (I like typing "Ex-President Bush" so much more than typing "President Bush") say it to America's enemies. I'm sure Boobiac gave it just as much thought as Ex-President Bush did before saying it. In fact, I'm certain they had the one and only, exact same thought: "I'll look cool and badass when I say this. Heh, heh, heh."

Ex-President Bush quickly found out that even his own voter base disapproved of actually daring America's enemies to kill Americans. Americans get killed by talk like that, and most Americans are against being killed.

Similarly Boobiac didn't give a thought to the idea that this might help inspire whichever of them survives the week to indeed come after her all the harder. Oh, but The Empress Caligulotta is Dictator for Life, or until Thursday.

Kristen's Empty Promises, #3: "You want me to bring it on, Rachel? Well I'm gonna bring it. So be careful what you wish for."

Wednesday: Brendan really wished Boobiac hadn't said "Bring it on."

Kristen's Empty Promises, #4: "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stay in this house, without hurting Haydon."

Up in the HOH Room: Boobiac: "Sorry. That went better in my head." Was she talking about "Bring it on" or her laugh? It's true for both.

Brendan had to point out to the stupid woman that daring people to come after them will make people come after them. Boobiac repeated over and over that she "hadn't meant to say that," like that made the slightest difference.

Brendan tried repeatedly suggesting to Boobiac that she go apologize to Hayden and Kristen, although at this point, that's a little like emptying out the Pacific Ocean using only a teaspoon and all the help British Petroleum can throw in your way. But he either couldn't see, or else couldn't process that the angry, deeply-resentful look on the face of the Empress spoke that she heard not a word, only saw that her man was attacking her and supporting her enemies, and that heartbreaking as it was, he was clearly trying to come between her and her man, that is, himself, and nobody comes between her and her man, not even her man himself, in fact, especially not her man himself.

Boobiac met Brendan half way, by going down and telling Hayden and Kristen that it was nothing personal, which is the only thing it had been. Hayden's no quiz kid, but he knew that was bull. Boobiac's apology finally boiled down to "I'm sorry that you guys took it personally." It was meant personally.

When Brendan came to tell Boobiac he loved her, her growing narcissistic paranoia bloomed into madness: "Brendan, I'm like seriously, I just need you to be on my team and not against me"

Brendan: "Who says I'm against you?" Ah, he missed the day in Psychotic Female Narcissists Class, when they mentioned that, to a raving paranoid narcissist, any disagreement, however slight, is an attack.

Brendan: "I'm sorry. I felt bad for Kristen and Hayden. They just got put on the block."

Boobiac: "Why don't you feel bad for meeeeee, that I had to put them on the block?"Oh, Boobiac is the real thing. To a true paranoid narcissist, everything is always and only about them. Sure it was bad for poor old Jesus getting crucified like that and all, but what about poor old Pontius Pilate? Do you ever shed a tear for him? Do you have any idea what his annual hand towel bill was? Also to the true paranoid narcissist, any sympathy for the enemy means you are the enemy also.

Slowly but semi-surely Brendan was beginning to catch a glimmer of Boobiac's enormous narcissism. Boobiac: "What am I supposed to do, go bake everyone f***ing cookies... [Those cookies don't sound very yummy to me. I'd try another tactic.] ...and sing Cumbyah to them? I'm sorry, this is Big Brother. I'm not being a bully, I'm not being a villain, I'm not being a bitch... [Yes she is, all three in fact.] ... Guess what Brendan, I've been fighting..."

Brendan: "I know. And you keep using this word 'I'. It makes me feel f***ing invisible." But that's exactly when I most want a really good look at him!

Power of Veto Competition: Hayden wants to win. I reeled with shock.

Kristen's Empty Promises, #5: In this veto competition, I have to completely fight for myself... I have no other option."

Ragan, Bitchney, and The Pussy were the wild draws to play. The game was giant pinball, and themed towards Pinball Wizards, so the contestants got to wear cheesy wizard costumes. This is the competition each year where you win prizes when you go out which you have the option to keep, or to give to another player and take there's. The first person out wins the Power of Veto, and then gets to wait and see who takes it from her. Yes, "her." Kristen was, of course, the first player eliminated. Was that ever in any doubt? Kathy wasn't playing.

The fun is in the prizes and the forced trades. The first prize handed out is POV. As I said, this meant Kristen had actually won what she sought for a few moments.

Second prize went to Boobiac. Her prize was the right to play for POV next week regardless of anything else. Not a glamorous prize, but if you think you may get put up next week, it's a good thing to have, though it wouldn't do Kristen or Kathy a bit of good.

The Pussy went out next, and was absolutely ecstatic over the prize, a flat-screen 3-D TV. Anyone trying to take this prize away from him was cruising for a bruising. "I'm gettin' the glasses for me, Wifey, and - ah - my little pooper - my little daughter." He eventually just gave up trying to remember his daughter's name, just as he gave up on his wife's name years ago. There's a family: Meow Meow, Wifey, and Little Pooper.

Ragan, out next, won $5000. After what happened to Monet after she won $10,000, Ragan was desperate to give the money away. Boobiac told him no repeatedly, but apparently he forgot that she was The Empress Caligulotta, She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed, and took her play-for-veto-next-week card, and stiffed her with $5000. How weird is this show that contestants are afraid of winning money?

Bitchney won the competition. Hayden's second place prize was to have to wear the "Hippie 'Tard" for a week. That would be a faux-tie-dyed unitard with a hippie wig. Bitchney's prize for winning it all was "Solitary Confinement," which in this case meant being locked in the Have-Not room alone for 24 hours. Given what the people in the house are like, this sounds like a good prize, but Bitchney doesn't like it.

Hayden took the Power of Veto away from the love of his life, and stuck her wearing the hippie 'tard. About one minute later, Bitchney relieved him of the burdon of POV, and gifted him with 24 hours in solitary, the very 24 hours he would want to spend campaigning to stay in the house. Oops.

Kristen, with her gift for perspective, weepily described the outcome of the POV competition thusly: "It's the worst thing that could have ever happened." That's right. Her losing and going out first, so no one will take her off the block, is worse than 9-11, or Hiroshima.

Kristen in the hippie 'tard looked like Little Orphan Annie, all grown up, and having moved from a production of Annie over to a road company of Hair.

Women dress for other women, not for men. Never was this better proven than by the reactions to the hippie 'tard. Bitchney found it "so much worse than I ever would have thought that it would be," whereas The Beast's male reaction was: "All I can say is Peace never looked so good." Well, to a man whose idea of a good time is getting drunk and shooting anything with eyes, peace does usually sound dull and boring.

Hayden got let out again. Whoopie. Solitary confinement doesn't make for good TV. But Hayden did finish my point when he saw Kristen in the hippie'tard: "She's looking good! ... Did I mention that she looked good in the hippie 'tard."

Then they had to see the movie, which is a plug for entertainment, not entertainment, though I suppose 24 hours in solitary confinement might even make Will Ferrell seem amusing.

Hayden was working on Bitchney to use the Power of Veto to save him. To Bitchney it was all about who would go up instead. She was okay with it being Kathy. Actually, Kathy was okay with everyone except Kathy.

Kristen and Hayden went up to talk to Boobiac while she painted her hair. (To my amazement, she doesn't airbrush it or spray paint it. I thought her hair was colored by taggers.) They proposed a showmance alliance, with the two couples uniting against the rest of the house, if Boobiac will replace him with Kathy. Then Hayden went off and gloated to Bitchney about his intention to put Boobiac and Brendan up next week.

But Boobiac threw a twister at Bitchney, that instead of putting up Kathy, she might put up The Beast, whom she mistakenly thought of as a floater, and whom Boobiac didn't realize had become Bitchney's new gossip girl pal.

Veto Ceremony: Hayden actually believed his plan was going to work, but The Empress Caligulotta's early warning boobs had driven her to give Bitchney just the right threat. Rather than risk The Beast going on the block, she declined to use the POV, and Hayden and Kristen remained up. Desperation time has arrived.

Thursday: Think Hayden was a bit nervous? His leg was pumping out enough power to provide electricity to a family of four for six months.

Hayden's willingness to toss Kristen under the bus certainly proves it a relationship deep enough for Kristen to get weepy about. In any event, he is against making enemies, which is the only thing Boobiac knows how to do.

Kristen is really, really, like all mad and stuff at Boobiac because Boobiac keeps playing to accomplish her own goal (dumping Kristen), instead of playing along with Kristen's plans. (Kristen stays in house, someone else, preferably Kathy, goes.) Guy! What a total beyotch! I am like so mad at her right now, I would just go pull out her fake hair, except it would mean I'd have to, like, move and stuff. This is the weirdest road company of Annie I have ever seen.

Boobiac surprised Bitchney, Ragan, and Matt going through her stuff, adorning themselves in her day-glo hair extensions (which appear to be made of the same substance as holiday Saran Wrap), and mocking her harshly and hilariously. A normal human being might have been miffed. Not our Boobiac. She was flattered. It was all about her, therefore it must be wonderful. Any day now, The Empress Caligulotta will appoint her horse to the Roman Senate.

Bitchney discovered that the more viciously she lampoons Boobiac to her face, (or as near as you can get to her face, it is located rather far inland.), the more hilarious Boobiac finds it, and the more Boobiac's cluelessness incites Bitchney to even more wicked, cattiness.

"The highest form of flattery is totally making fun of someone," said Boobiac. Ah yes, like that Comedy Central Roast they had for Mother Theresa. Betty White's mouth was particularly foul that night. I do believe this: being viciously made fun of probably is the "highest form of flattery" Boobiac ever receives, and I fondly lavish more upon her.

Kristen has been thinking, a novel experience for her. "I've been doing a lot of thinking today. A lot!" said Kristen in a tone of voice that could lead one to believe that the two minutes she's put into thinking that day has left her utterly exhausted. But she's done the math: "I know that, to order to stay in this house, I need four votes. I'm pretty that sure I have Kathy's vote, so that's one. And then, I need another three." Good luck. So far this reminds me of her plan to win the Power of Veto, which resulted in her wearing the hippie 'tard, and also being the first eliminated.

Kristen tried councilling Ragan, who needs someone to, alerting him to the suspected existence of The Brigade. She could protect him (How? She can't even protect herself.), because: "I'm an alpha woman." No, honey. You are not an alpha woman. You're not even Beta. You're closer to a Zed woman. You know that screaming harpie upstairs who is effectively dumping you from the house? That's an alpha woman.

The Chenbot opened a discussion on whether Ragan or Bitchney had the more-disgusting flatulence. This was on CBS in prime time. This is how the world ends: not with a bang, but with a fart-discussion where once Edward R. Morrow and Walter Cronkite held sway.

We had home visits to watch the Hayden-Kristen Showmance as viewed first by Hayden's mom, who seemed like a kind of fun ole Arid-zona gal, wanting to give her boy some cold-water good advice, and more interestingly, by Kristen's boy friend, who became her ex-boyfriend as he watched. Turns out Kristen is a slut, as well as useless. With his adorable dimples, handsome grin, and bulbous shoulders and biceps, "Steve" is much too good for that tramp Kristen anyway. There goes two months of his life that he'll never get back again. He's never going to be 31 again, you know. Already, he's 31 years and three months! The weeks leave their marks, even on a face as pretty as his. (And he is so much better looking than Hayden. And he can groom himself. What was she thinking?) "I can only blame myself," said Kristen in nightvision. By coincidence, "Steve" can only blame her also, and I have no other candidates for blaming besides herself either.

Later on, The Chenbot did the math. It still came out to one vote to evict Hayden, six for evicting Kristen.

In her goodbye message, Boobiac continued in her insane conviction that each evicted house guest made a play for Brendan: "Who do you think you are, trying to talk to Brendan behind my back? Don't ever, ever try to get between me and my man! My man doesn't get manipulated by triflin' hos like you." If there is anything Boobiac knows (apart from the fact that every human on the planet is trying to come between her and her man), it's exactly which type of triflin' hos Brendan gets manipulated by. He goes for Alpha Hos.

Brendan's goodbye message was more unintentionally funny, as he told Kristen she was paying the penalty for "making-up" the Brigade Alliance, which, of course, is real, or as real as anything gets on this show. So now we have Brendan's eventual discovery that Kristen was telling the truth to him, and that he was the idiot, to look forward to.

Brendan's message was immediately followed by Hayden's message, in which he fessed-up to The Brigade, but told her that if he'd been forced to choose between her and The Brigade, he'd have choosen her, which would be a lovely thought if she weren't sitting there precisely because he did choose The Brigade over her. Bros before triflin' hos.

"Well, you played it with dignity," said The Chenbot to Kristen, abandoning all pretense of using English words to mean something along the lines of what they actually mean. Which dignified plays were you specifically thinking of, Julie? The crying jags over the guy she'd known four weeks, who threw her under a bus to stay, and for whom she blew her relationship back home? The creeping into a guy she barely know's bed so they can make out and CBS-only-knows what else, all broadcast on network TV in nightvision? The screaming bitch-fights with Boobiac? The big plans always bragged about, and never once carried through? The inability to win even one competition? The wearing of the hippie 'tard? The endless whining? Amongst so much dignity, what was most-dignified to you, Julie? I can't choose from such dignified riches.

The Pussy narrowly lost the election to "New Saboteur." That was lucky for him. In the opening shows, he referred to The Saboteur as "a rat," and repeatedly stated his loathing of all rodents, and his hatred for "the rat." His being selected to be the new rat would have caused him grave emotional conflicts within his sensitive nature. This is, after all, a man who calls the love of his life "The Wifey," and who can not remember his baby daughter's name. How much more sensitive can a man be, without becoming a pussy, and going around saying "Meow, meow"? Oh wait. He already... Never mind.

But the job went to Ragan, and I think he will embrace the role.

Head of Household Competition: Nice competition, although it's one of those annoying endurance competitions where the show ends before the new HOH is selected. Here they had to cling, backwards, to a spinning giant paint can, full of giant paint, while getting periodically splattered with paint. Works for me, though it would work better if The Beast competed shirtless. Come on. I drove right by the Big Brother house myself around 11 PM this evening, and I can assure you, it was warm enough out to go shirtless. I was. Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.