Big Brother 12: The Boobiac Strikes Back!

Whore Wars: Episode 5: The Boobiac Strikes Back!

It is a dark time for The Brigade. Although the Death Showmances have been destroyed, Imperious goofs have driven the Brigade forces from the HOH Room, and pursued them across the Big Brother House.

Evading the dreaded Imperious Chemists, a group of freedom fighters led by Ragan Skyswisher has established a new secret alliance in the remote ice world of the Hath-Nots room.

The evil Lord Darth Brendon, obsessed with evicting young(ish) Skyswisher, has despatched thousands of remote ideas into the far reaches of space within his empty head...

Sunday: I have a confession to make. I really enjoyed this week's series of surprises, twists, and generally atrocious behavior. Am I bad?

Head of Household Competition: Oh what a tangled web. When we left the show on Thursday, the HOH competition, which involved untangling a rope while tethered to it, was still going on. Darth Brendon, Lord of the Stupes, aka, The Neandertal, knew he had to summon all the power of the Dark Side of the Farce and win, or he'd be joining Rachel, aka, Boobiac, aka, "The Love of My Life," in the jury house. What a terrible fate for any man to have to face: being alone in a luxurious house with the woman he loves, with nothing to do all day but shag. How awful.

Let's examine for a moment Brendon's repeated referring to Boobiac as "The Love of My Life." As several commenters have pointed out, on the live feeds but not on CBS, Boobiac told the house a story of one of her typical adventures as a "VIP Cocktail Waitress." She told of partying with a "client," passing out from too much Tequila (amateur!), waking up to find herself covered in puke (surely that's not unusual for her), and with a bunch of hundred dollar bills stuffed into her fist. Why do I suspect that they were really crumpled singles?

Is this a common occurrence for waitresses? I doubt it, though I can think of a profession where it is not at all unusual, and in fact, constitutes a Good Night. It's a very old profession, the oldest of all.

Remember Boobiac herself told this story, which exceeds the stuff Bitchney said about her in sniping private jokes. Brendon heard the story.

"Rachel is the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with her."

Oh the stories they'll be able to tell the kids: "Daddy, tell us again about the time Mommy woke up and found her John had puked all over her, pleeeeease!" "All right, but then, it's Tequila and bedtime."

In a Diary Room message to fans posted on the Big Brother Diary Room Facebook Page, Brendon said: "I am so cheesy and corny at times and perhaps a bit pathetic, but know that everyone came in to this game alone. Inside this house I not only found a best friend, but someone I would like to share the rest of my life along side."

"Perhaps a bit pathetic"? Overwhelmingly pathetic. She's a loud, obnoxious, abrasive "VIP Cocktail Waitress" and whore he's known for a month. At best, she was the Love of His July. Larry Flint would find Boobiac too sleazy.

I've not been happy with choosing a nickname for Enzo, himself The Master of Nicknames, if nothing else. He calls himself "The Meow Meow," which is simply too lame to use. I tried. But I've noticed Enzo's game play consists of - well - he has none. He watches. When fireworks hit the house: he watches. When a competition is held, he basically watches. In this competition, he was back with Kathy, the useless lump of drawling flesh who couldn't win a "What is Kathy's first name?" competition.

So I have a new nickname for Enzo: The Audience.

Big, hulking Lane, nicknamed by The Audience as "The Beast," was all for the new competition: "We have ropes, we got hay, we got mud out there that looks like manure. People, that's Saturday Night for me." Ropes, hay, and manure, all he needs are guns and Tequila. Doesn't he sound like a prize catch ladies?

But at least The Beast was trying to win. The Audience was another matter. "The Meow Meow's a clean cat, ya know? He doesn't want to get dirty." What is he, Bitchney? And not only does he identify with pussies, but he speaks of himself in the third person. He's not as pathetic as Brendon, but he's pretty sad. Wifey must be so proud.

It turns out that The Audience saw no need to win as, not only is he in The Brigade, the do-little alliance that "runs the house," and "drops grenades," but he and Hayden had also made a secret side alliance with Brendon and Boobiac shortly before evictions hit, to promise to trim off Ragan and Bitchney, for the sins of making friends with the other two Brigade members.

Bitchney: "Brendon taking the lead makes me want to lay my face down in the mud puddle, suck in a bunch of air, and kill myself." Bitchney darling, sucking in air won't kill you. You're actually doing that all the time. Try inhaling the mud instead. Well, go on. I'm waiting. Brendon has the lead. Well? ... As I thought; all talk.

The Audience: "My main motivation was to get past Kathy." I don't think he could set his bar any lower without actually burying it. And he was barely managing that!

Kathy is truly a member of The Pathetic Brigade, the Brigade which is actually running the house, given how many utterly lame houseguests there are: "The most difficult part for me was just trying to figure out what to do." Why do I think that describes every day of her life? Oh, I'll bet she's a firecracker at solving crimes. "I don't even know how to tie one of those knots, more or less untie one of those knots." (Yes, syntactically, that sentence makes no sense. She meant "let alone" where she nonsensically used "more or less.") So it's official: Kathy, by her own idiot admission, is literally too stupid to tie her own shoes. "They didn't teach me anything like that in the police academy. Uh-uh." Well, they may have assumed that her mother taught her to tie her shoes. Any police academy that graduated Kathy would make the one in the Police Academy movies look like Oxford.

Brendon: "My big, giant, massive rope has become ridiculously entangled." Is that as opposed to his tiny, giant, massive rope? Or his big, teensy, massive rope? Or his big, giant, minimalist rope? Brendon's rope is just too huge for merely one "largeness" adjective; it must have three! Brendon, when your "rope" becomes a pole, I'll become interested in how massive it is.

But the Power of the Dark Side of the Farce came through, and the Neandertal won HOH: "Rachel, that one was for you!"

Brendon definitely lives in a galaxy far, far away. "All we wanted to do was be happy and be in love. That wasn't good enough for 'em." Well, Boobiac also wanted to screech, laugh that annoying, abrasive laugh of hers, bully and berate everyone in sight, and always be the center of attention, while being, in Boobiac's own words, "the biggest bitch that Big Brother has ever seen." Imagine how selfish the houseguests were to find her insufferable. But clearly Brendon can not allow the reality of what Boobiac really is to penetrate into the weird other dimension in which he lives. If he ever really saw who and what she is, he'd lie face down in the mud puddle, suck in a bunch of air, and kill himself.

Having studied extremely-poor sportsmanship from Boobiac, at his moment of victory, Brendon yelled at the houseguests: "That's what happens when you evict somebody you love, guys." Brendon, you idiot, they didn't evict someone they love. They evicted someone you love, and whom they all understandably hate. Should Brendon ever actually marry Boobiac, he will constitute her third boob.

Hayden: "Once again The Brigade doesn't pull through and win the HOH competition." Yes, the only grenades they drop, they drop on their own toes.

As part of his prize, Brendon got to choose three Have-Nots for the week, and chose Ragan, Bitchney and Matt, aka, Mr. Mensa. This was pure, spiteful revenge, the beginning of The Venegance of Boobiac.

Brendon: "Guys would-a been better keeping Rachel. She probably wouldn't-a won that one." True. She'd never have gotten her boobs through those ropes, and her fake hair would have gotten hopelessly tangled. Yet somehow, I think no one regrets evicting the hideous woman.

"These people showed no mercy last week; why should I show it this week?" said The Neandertal, desperate to blame someone else for his own behavior. Look what they made me do. He sounded like the raving ratbags I've been hearing all week protesting the "Mosque" (actually a Muslim Cultural Center) being built on Ground Zero (actually being built a few blocks away), who justify their demands that The First Amendment be suspended in Lower Manhattan with "They don't allow us religious freedom in their country, so why should we allow them religious freedom here?", an argument that is utterly, morally bankrupt. We're supposed to be better than totalitarian regimes, not emulate them.

(By the way, if you are one of those squawking against that Muslim Cultural Center in Manhattan, slap yourself in the face - hard - for me, and try to remember that your "Patriotism" is the sheerest hypocrisy if you spit on the most-basic of all our liberties, Freedom of Religion for ALL, not just for those of whom you approve. Now back to trivialities.)

Enzo to the others: "We're gonna have a little drama this week, that's all. A laugh. I'm gonna laugh. It's entertainment." Like I said, he's The Audience.

Didn't Disney do a movie called "Bitchney and The Beast"? If not, then Big Brother is, as we seem to have a third showmance a-brewin'. Poor Bitchney was sobbing about having "to deal with the frikkin' neanderthal..." It's neandertal! Has she noticed yet that The Beast himself is, at best, a Texan Cro-Magnon, the least-developed variety. (Although to be fair, The Beast is nothing if not "developed.")

The Neandertal: "Who wants to see my HOH room?"

Bitchney: "Not really anybody." Really. Why did they even bother going up there?

In his Diary Room Facebook message, The Neandertal evaluated his fellow houseguests. Here's some of his enlightened remarks about Ragan: "Ragan has banked on the fact that his effeminate personality would allow him to slide through the game ... Ragan is fake and he spends his time trying to make good with the masculine males in the house." Classy.

About Bitchney, he wrote: "She is a rich, entitled brat who has spent a good portion of her childhood competing in beauty pageants and flying all over the World, yet she touts herself as 'middle class.' Again, disgusting to anyone who is actually middle class." That's probably a fair description, although he included a last line on her that by the end of Thursday Night's show was a bit humorous: "She is definitely my next target." Like he's ever going to get another shot at anyone.

Of The Beast, he wrote: "I have no doubt he is the saboteur. Furthermore, I believe him and Hayden are the long time friends." Don't you just want to giggle when someone is so utterly wrong?

And of Boobiac he wrote: "After this is all over, I am hoping she will move to LA in support of my career as a Biomedical Physicist and to pursue her own career as a scientist." As a scientist, or doing scientists? You know, the movie where Greer Garson (that hopeless ham) played Madame Curie, called Madame Curie, ran on TCM this evening, but they cut out the scene where Madame Curie woke up covered in vomit, with her fists stuffed full of hundred dollar bills, though it was the best scene Greer ever played. But Boobiac would certainly put the "Madam" into Madame Curie. She'd be Madam Needs-a-Cure-y.

Bitchney and The Beast: Bitchney: "I love Lane. He's like my little big brother." Does he have a Little Big Horn?

The Beast: "Britney and I's relationship is basically like raisin bran. I'm the delicious raisin, and she's gonna be the bran. Is it bran? It's not bran. Is it cookies? What is - what's the little cereal crap in there?" It's bran, Einstein, although Grape-Nuts contains neither grapes nor nuts. So he's saying she's the crap in the mix? Anyway, there's no such thing as a "delicious raisin" (I loathe raisins, and refuse to eat them.), but the raisins are the part of Raisin Bran that looks like rabbit crap.

The Brigade is starting to splinter. Hayden and The Audience decided that they trust the Neandertal more than Mr. Mensa, who is the only member of The Brigade who has ever accomplished any of its goals, or ever dropped any of its grenades, to use The Audience's favorite metaphor. Said The Audience of Mr. Mensa: "He's always with Ragan. He can't do that. It's not Brigade." Huh? The Brigade has bi-laws? Let me read its charter. You know what is really "not Brigade"? Winning anything.

Anyway, Hayden and The Audience decided they needed to get rid of Bitchney, to break up Bitchney and The Beast, and then bring Brendon into The Brigade. It might work, if either had any power at all.

But when The Audience went up to ask Brendon to nominate Bitchney, he received a shock. Brendon had decided to put up Bitchney and The Beast. A Brigade member on the block? That's not Brigade.

The Audience is a brilliant debater. Here's his argument to Brendon for putting up Ragan and Bitchney: "But I ... I ... ah duh ... if you ask me, I don' like Britney already 'cause ... I just think ... ah ... I don't know, man ..." Refute that, sir, I dare you!

The Beast: "I'm a very calm man. But when Enzo came up and said Brendon was thinking about putting me up on the block, I wanted to go to a bar, find the hottest girl there, and fight her boy friend." I do not understand Texas at all. What if it was a gay bar? There are several in the immediate neighborhood of the Big Brother House.

The Saboteur (Yawn.) told the houseguests that there were still "lifelong friends" in the house, and that one was male and the other female. With only two women left in the house, that narrowed it down, except for the fact that it was a total lie.

Kathy: "I swear to God on my life and my kid's life, I know nobody in here." Well, I'm convinced. I bet she includes herself under the category of knowing nobody in there. Back in Arkansas, her kid was probably saying, "Uh Mom, leave me out of this."

Bitchney: "I will go the same swear." Bitchney, as far as I can tell, you have no kids. "I swear to God, on my relationship, on my family, on my brother, on everything, that it's not me." I'm convinced. But hold on. She's in a relationship? What about Bitchney and The Beast? Oh great; we have another Kristen. Is every woman in there except Kathy a slut? And wouldn't her brother be included under the term "my family"? Or is her brother her "relationship"? We are talking Arkansas, after all.

Kathy: "The saboteur is gettin' on my nerves." That's his function, you foolish woman. She also called The Saboteur a "psychopath." Eventually she'll find out she's just called Ragan a psychopath. That's giving him way too much credit.

Brendon: "Saboteur's not lie to us. What are you talking about?" I gather from that pathetic excuse for a sentence that Brendon implicitly believes every lie the Saboteur tells. Brendon, The Saboteur didn't swear to God on Kathy's kid's life, and on Bitchney's relationship, that he's telling the truth, so why are you believing him? I swear on Kathy's kid's life that you're an idiot.

Ragan went up and proposed to Brendon that they use their enmity to cover an alliance no one would suspect, much as neither Ragan nor Brendon suspects the existence of The Brigade, despite Ragan now being in bromance with Mr. Mensa. (Since none of the house hunks have cottoned to Ragan, who back in the opening show had fantasized about marrying Brendon - no wonder he hates Boobiac - he's had to settle for the trollish, married Mr. Mensa.)

However, though Brendon didn't refuse him to his face, it was a non-starter: "If you spit on the girl that I love when she was at her lowest point in this game, this is something I can't forget." What if he spat on her when she was flying high as HOH? Is that okay? (Its's okay with me.) What if you puke on her while she's asleep, and then stuff her claws full of cash? Is that cool?

Bitchney referred to Brendon as "Cankersorus Rex." I gotta admit, that's pretty funny. She made a deal with Cankersorus that if he didn't nominate her and she won POV, she wouldn't use it, and if she wins next week's HOH, she won't nominate him. She might just as well have promised to flap her arms and fly to the moon, because that's just as likely as her not nominating Brendon next week.

Nominations: Ragan and The Beast were nominated, with The Beast intended as the pawn.

The Beast: "I think this is the dumbest move Brendon has made yet, and he's made a lot of dumb moves in this game." And he speaks as an expert on "dumb". But really, is it any dumber than having a showmance with Boobiac while he has no access to penicillin?

Brendon: "This is my house. They're playing by my rules." Actually, CBS owns the house, and they're playing by the Big Brother rules.

Wednesday: Ragan: "I don't want to go home at the hands of somebody who plays as horrendously as Brendon." So he would be okay with being evicted by someone who plays skillfully? In any event, going home this week would cost him the $20,000 he would otherwise receive as The Saboteur.

Power of Veto Competition: The Beast: "Right now, there's no words that can describe how bad I'm gonna fight for this." Will there be words later? Perhaps "lame," or "pitiful"?

Playing along with Brendon, Ragan, and The Beast were The Audience, Kathy, and Hayden.

The Audience on competitions: "I gotta take one of these things down." Well, try playing hard, rather than just sort of watching.

Ragan: "All of the work that I've done over the past few weeks, these acts of sabotage and creating paranoia, would be for nothing if I don't win this Power of Veto." The past few weeks? He's been The Saboteur for a week and a half. What kind of PhD loses track of his numbers between one and two? Apparently to Dr. Ragan 1 + 1/2 = "many." How do you count fractions on your fingers without snipping off bits of them?

A robot woke the players up for the competition. It was clearly labeled "Zingbot" so the houseguests wouldn't mistake it for Julie Chen. It was called a "Zingbot" because it's function, along with hosting the competition, was to hit the players with zingers.

Zingbot: "Lane, they say everything in Texas is big, except your brain." Hey robot, mocking these fools is my gig, and I do it better than you do. Plus, I'm usually not green.

This challenge involved retrieving puzzle pieces, carrying them across a balance beam, to assemble the word "Veto." It's like a challenge from Survivor in robot drag, which all the contestants were required to wear.

We had the normal vows of "I will win this challenge" from the players, five of whom were just blowing smoke. But Ragan confirmed his absolute ignorance of any trace of mathematical knowledge by saying he had to win "10,000%"

Well, Kathy didn't vow to win, which perhaps even she realized would be absurd. "I'm taking my time," she said. Bitchney pointed out to us: "'I'm taking my time on this one.'... Just take it slow, Kathy, because this isn't a race or anything." On the nose, Bitchney. And anyway, Kathy predictably fell off the balance beam, the only player to do so, and was eliminated Anyone not see that coming?

Brendon was busy watching Ragan. He'd have been better served concentrating on what he himself was doing, but he's simply too dim to realize that. Hey Brendon, did watching Ragan prevent him from winning?

Zingbot: "Meow Meow, all you talk about is dropping grenades. Meanwhile, we've only seen you bomb in competitions." Not particularly clever, but certainly accurate.

Ragan smoked the competition. Did The Audience or Hayden even complete one letter of the puzzle? Ragan of course, by so doing, secured his $20,000, and did so in secret, so it doesn't even paint a target on him. Nice day's work. Meanwhile, Bitchney and Mr. Mensa are moved into Brendon's sites.

Back in the Have-Not Room, Ragan tearfully declared his devotion to Bitchney, wussily sobbing out: "I just think you are such a kind, beautiful, intelligent human being. And I really love you." He isn't just eating slop; he's dishing it out as well. I'd have thrown up, except I didn't have Boobiac lying here passed out to absorb it. Bitchney is mildly attractive, but "kind"? That's like calling Boobiac chaste, or charming, or restrained, or intelligent, or tactful, or ... well I could do this all night.

Hayden and The Audience faced the prospect of two Brigade members up on the block, and their decision was to vote out Mr. Mensa, since he's, well, the only member of The Brigade who ever accomplishes anything. Never mind that without Mr. Mensa, The Brigade is just three doomed morons, or that they should show Mr. Mensa something like the loyalty he's shown them. The thought of betraying Mr. Mensa made The Audience smile a wide, vulpine grin that really revealed the ugly little would-be-if-only-he-had-the-guts mobster he is.

The Whoreror, The Whoreror: Brendon was offered another Pandora's Box surprise. The temptation was a day away from the BB House at a spa. "How about a trip for two?" it asked. Brendon predictably thought that meant his beloved Boobiac would be at the spa with him. Frankly, I'd rather be trapped, bored beyond measure, in the BB House, than be alone in a spa with Boobiac, but Brendon isn't like a real human. He wants to be around that silicone-stuffed harpy. He was going.

"I can't believe I get to see Rachel," the idiot said, when actually, that's exactly what he did believe. Clang! Sorry fool, no Boobiac for you. Man, he's stupid. The instant the door shut behind him, locking him out, the doorbell rang for everyone else's worst nightmare. Really. The Harris people took a poll:

Everyone's Worst Nightmares:
3. Cancer.
2. Nuclear Armageddon.
1. Being trapped in a house with Boobiac.

"Ha, ha, ha! I'm back, bitches," screamed the Queen Bitch of all, as she sashayed back into the house, for the sole purpose of annoying the crap out of everyone there.

Bitchney: "When I saw Rachel walk through that door, I just wanted to throw up all over myself." Haven't you been paying attention Bitchney? You're supposed to throw up all over her.

Boobiac was back for 24 hours that flew by like a week. She was no longer competing, and had nothing at all to restrain her from venting her egotistic fury. War was on, and Ragan was taking the bait, apparently forgetting that one of two outcomes is inevitable: either he will make it to the end, and need her vote to win the big money, or he'll be eliminated at some point, and be stuck in the Jury House with her.

But there was a Sadistic side for Boobiac as well; she'd been led to believe she could spend the day shagging Brendon, and had no idea that he was gone. She ran upstairs only to find the HOH Room locked.

"Don't worry,' said Ragan, "We'll have friends. Count your friends in the house. Done already?" Nice, but Ragan is ill-advised to tell someone else to add. He's the man who lost count between one and two.

"Why don't you get us a drink, Ra-tress" asked Ragan with searing sarcasm, although it was really a rip-off of Casey's famous: "Go make me a sandwich" last season. (Hi Casey.)

The Audience went into full audience mode to watch the battle of wits between Boobiac and Ragan, a battle Boobiac is unequipped for (Let's face it; all she's equipped for is to be a floatation device), but was too stupid to realize her snarky come-backs were all tremendously lame.

"Ragan," said Boobiac, "Everyone in the house doesn't dislike me but you." Now, I knew she was delusional, but this was an astronomical delusion, as well as an ineptly-worded sentence. Everyone in the house except Kathy loathes Boobiac, but she is, as always, oblivious to any reality except the one she manufactures in her head.

"Does everyone in the house dislike me?" she foolishly asked, managing with one question to clear the room. What did she think that unanimous vote to evict her even after Brendon had been an epic ass all last week was? A love letter from her fans?

Unable to compete with wit, Boobiac let her true colors fly, and went right to homophobia: "Do you have to be the biggest bitch because you're gay?" Boobiac, go screw yourself, and don't forget to pay yourself afterwards. A whore using gay slurs to be "funny." Oh we're in true Algonquin Round Table territory now.

Even The Beast's jaw dropped when Boobiac let the gay slur fly. When your homophobia even shocks a Texan whose idea of fun is getting drunk and shooting whatever has eyes, you're truly vile.

Ragan: "No Rachel, I'm not a big bitch because I'm gay. I'm a big bitch because you're an absolute monster."

Boobiac: "I'm a monster?" That would be a big yes, Boobster.

Boobiac: "I am a good person." No you're not. You're a brainless, homophobic, narcissistic, attention-whore, and whore-whore.

For some mean laughs we got to see Boobiac scratching at the door of Pandora's Box, believing Brendon on the other side, like a dog scratching to get outside (Like a dog? She is a dog!), intercut with Brendon wandering around his spa house, calling out for Boobiac, in the pathetic belief she was waiting for him somewhere inside. While I can not imagine what he sees in her, I have to say, they deserve each other.

Ragan got off a very accurate summary of Boobiac to her: "Rachel, everything about you is a lie. Your boobs are a lie, your face is a lie; the only thing honest about you are the pimples on your chin." Okay, I laughed out loud at that one, although he forgot to mention that her hair is also a lie, and probably her "degree in chemistry" as well.

She idiotically tried to attack Ragan for having a weaker gameplay than hers, which given he's still there and she's been evicted, was just plain stupid. Said Ragan: "You're here for a limited time because your boyfriend did a Pandora's box and released something horrible into the house." That one landed, as she realized that that was exactly what the producers intended. Basically, her even being there that day was Alison Grodner calling her "something horrible," although why does she think she was put on the show in the first place? Because the producers saw her and said "This horrible bitch will make great TV."

Boobiac, defending herself against the charge of homophobia: "Because I love gay people, and you suck at it." Well, that is how you do it, but how would she know? She's never had gay sex with Ragan. In any event, Ragan read her a lengthy diatribe that actually left her filthy mouth unable to respond. (This was immediately followed by a commercial for Red Lobster's "Crabfest". Seeing the screen dissolve from a shot of Boobiac standing there humiliated to a screen blazing with the word "Crabfest" was the biggest unintended laugh of the week.)

Before leaving the house the next day, Boobiac left a message for Brendan, "evict Matt," written in pretzels! She couldn't find a pen? Only a "VIP Cocktail Ra-tress" would use pretzels as a writing medium. It is psychologically interesting that she felt it attendant upon herself to leave "her man" orders, as though she, not he, were HOH. Oh Brendan, if you really make a life with this battleaxe, you can kiss your balls goodbye, though after your honeymoon, they'll be so disease-ridden, you'll be better off without them anyway.

Boobiac found her stay in the house was "not the funnest thing." Funnest. Yes, she has a college degree all right. Can you major in illiteracy?

But before she left, she took Kathy up to the HOH Room and showed her the pretzel message, and asked her to make sure no one came up there and removed it, and Kathy not only agreed, she locked the door to insure it! Why the hell did Kathy do that? Why was she assisting Boobiac? What is wrong with her? (Oh that question would take a long time to answer fully.) For that act alone, Kathy deserved the fate that awaited her on Thursday.

Once the Gorgon was gone, the moron was back, and he knew to follow orders. Here's a man who is already totally-whipped.

Oh, and Mr. Mensa referred to Pandora's Box as the "P-Box." Does he actually realize what that sounds like? Let's say, a mini-porta-potty. (Some years back, when a TV network which shall remain nameless for its shame, bizarrely hired John Tesh to do some of their Olympic coverage, and handed the big, tone-deaf boob gymnastics to cover, he took to constantly calling the parallel bars "P-bars," oblivious to the fact that he was making them sound like a - ahem - watering hole for golden shower enthusiasts. It kept me laughing through the entire Olympics.)

The Saboteur showed up to tell them that there was to be a non-extant competition the next day, and then to wake them up repeatedly all night. This whole Saboteur schtick is such a bore.

Veto Ceremony: Ragan took himself off. Try to get over your shock. The Neandertal followed Boobiac's orders, and nominated Mr. Mensa.

The Audience dove into his full faux-Sopranos mode: "It might be time for Matty to get whacked here. We might have to size him up for some cement shoes." He actually thinks that's funny and clever, having no idea how revolting it sounds to civilized people. But then, he's from Jersey; he may never have met any civilized people.


"I don't need love,

For what good will Love do me?

Diamonds never lie to me.

For when love's gone,

They luster on.

Diamonds are forever."

- Diamonds are Forever, lyrics by Don Black.

(R.I.P. Tom Mankiewicz, and thanks for all the fun films.)

It was Diamond Veto night. Last year it made Chima go insane and meltdown like the wicked witch she was. Who would it claim tonight?

The Neandertal was determined to get revenge for Boobiac's ouster by evicting Mr. Mensa, forgetting the old adage: "When you seek revenge, dig two graves."

But as the Diamond Power of Veto was a secret, over-emotional Ragan was fretting and whimpering about his bromantic partner Mr. Mensa being doomed to eviction, which he found particularly painful and blubbering-inducing because: "He's playing for his wife Stacy, who has a very rare bone disease." I'll say it's rare, so rare, she doesn't even have it. His "good friend" is putting him through emotional torture over this lie. With friends like that, who needs Boobiac. (Really! Who needs Boobiac?)

Mr. Mensa was smirking as he told us how bad he felt about putting Ragan through hell. He felt his lips were tied, because he couldn't tell him about the Diamond POV, ignoring the fact that he could at least tell him that the bone disease was a contemptible lie. "I have to be pretend to be all sad and mopey, like my wife just got diagnosed with some other crazy pretend disease." In the words of Kandor and Ebb: "Whatever happened to class?"

We were treated to a gratuitous shot of the Neandertal taking a bubble bath that was worth keeping him around for the extra week.

Mr. Mensa was also starting to notice that his Brigade alliance buddies were leaning towards saving The Beast over him. After all, he's never won a thing. What an asset he is. Mensa began to wonder if it might not be time to leave The Brigade to save its own collective butts, and move on to other allies.

But Hayden inadvertently kept himself from becoming Mr. Mensa's replacement on the block by letting Mensie know about Kathy's role in the pretzel incident. Mr. Mensa now knew he had been betrayed by Kathy. Oh Kathy, you stupid, stupid woman. You picked the wrong week to aid Boobiac. (Not that there's a right week.)

The Audience (Enzo, not those people sitting outside with the Chenbot, mindlessly cheering for these losers.) actually tried to secure Mr. Mensa's jury vote despite his voting to keep The Beast over him. Part of The Audience's problem is that he thinks Mr. Mensa is as dumb as he is, but Meow Meow won't be joining MENSA anytime soon.

(I noticed this week that both Mr. Mensa and Brendon shave their armpits. What are they? French? Butch up, girls.)

The Saboteur had one last act to commit, though it was one of his better ones. He slipped a note that read "I know your secret. - S." under The Audience's pillow. This was good for several reasons. For one thing, it required Ragan to commit an overt act within the house, one he could conceivably be caught doing, or have it figured out that he did it. That's fair to the other players for once. Just recording silly messages in the Diary Room was a completely safe act. This wasn't.

Secondly, it stirred up plenty of paranoia.

Thirdly, because Kathy had just made The Audience's bed (Why is Kathy making other people's beds for them? Why has she appointed herself housemaid?), and then took a nap in the room beside it, making her the most-likely person to have been able to do it, and so casting suspicion on her. Once again, our police woman is clueless.

It further provided a moment of mirth when The Audience idiotically decided that the "S" at the end of the note stood for "Sheriff," when it obviously stood for "Saboteur." Even Kathy isn't stupid enough to sign a saboteur note to mean "Sheriff," and aim suspicion at herself.

The Audience: "It's like the end of a Scooby-Doo episode, where they find out the governor was the whatever, you know, the ghost or whatever..." Certainly The Audience's level of sophisticated thought is on a par with an episode of Scooby-Doo. As the "clues" against Kathy mounted, The Audience told Mr. Mensa, "So you got sabo-bitched there by her." No one noticed Ragan sitting there, smirking in self-satisfaction.

"Thank you America, for believing in the evil that I've always known was inside of me," said Ragan. The odd things of which people are proud.

Two minutes later, Ragan told The Chenbot: "My integrity is not for sale." Excuse me. You sold out your "integrity," and replaced it with "the evil that I've always known was inside of me" for $20,000, so not only is your integrity for sale, but we now know the asking price.

The Chenbot asked The Beast if he could have his mother send him one thing from home, what would he want. His answer was "muscle milk." He should have asked Boobiac. She looks like she could deliver gallons of milk. (I don't actually know what "Muscle Milk" is, and I don't even want to think about it.) He told us it tasted like Thanksgiving food in milk. Which Thanksgiving food? Turkey? Stuffing? Pumpkin Pie? Cranberry Sauce? All of that mixed together in a blender? I think I'm going to hurl. Quick, where's Boobiac? (Cranberry Sauce is vile in any form. Gack! Why do they serve it? Who would want to eat such garbage?)

Before we got to the eviction vote, we were - ah - "treated" to a visit to The Beast's and Bitchney's families for their takes on Bitchney and The Beast. Brendan's summation of Bitchney's background was apparently right on the nose. Mother Bitchney let slip that Bitchney isn't just in a relationship; she's engaged. Yet we saw no sign of the fiancé, for his take on Bitchney and The Beast.

Yikes! The Beast's mom, who, with her quarter-inch long hair and sun-leathered skin, looks like one butch Lesbian, actually referred to her own son as a meathead. He is, but your mom isn't supposed to say that. She also called him "edgy and complex." Maybe in Texas. And she also said she wouldn't be surprised if he brought Bitchney home. Maybe she wouldn't be, but I'll bet her fiancé would be startled by it.

But this was just filler before we got to the real fireworks, when Mr. Mensa stood up and dropped his Diamond grenade. To The Neandertal: "Better luck next time, you big dummy," and out came his diamonds, in this case, a boy's best friend. The floor of the room was now littered with the seven jaws that dropped off of seven faces. Kathy was now rewarded for her treachery with Boobiac, and for her overall ineptitude, by being placed on the block, where she was shortly unanimously voted out by five deliriously happy and giddy houseguests. Now Kathy will be at the Jury House, playing Scrabble with Boobiac using pretzels.

In his don't-vote-me-out speech, The Beast called Kathy "a great woman." Somewhere Mother Theresa, Eleanor Rooosevelt, Madame Curie, and Helen Keller were all deeply insulted. Helen even signed "I could do better at those challenges than that boob, and I'm deaf, blind, and dead!"

Head of Household Competition: This time we got a not-very-interesting quiz on how well they remembered the exact wording of some disembodied orders to play Simon Says the day before. What was interesting was that Bitchney, the only woman left, won. It will be fascinating to see how much of her true self emerges during her week of power. However, unless he wins POV or has some Diamond POV-level trick up his sleeve, I suspect Brendon will find himself in Boobiac's revolting arms a week from now. And not alone, because next week is a double-eviction week. But it's Big Brother; so expect the unexpected.

A couple bits of business. It appears that Survivor will be returning a bit before Big Brother ends, which means for the one or two weeks of overlap, I'll be recapping both, so I may be a bit cranky. Also, on Monday August 30th, I'll be here reviewing The Emmy Awards Show, which will be a welcome change for me from this. Until then, cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.