Ice Loves Coco So Much It's Actually Kind of Weird

I saw my first episode ofand it erased all doubt in my mind. In fact, I can say with utmost confidence as of this writing that Ice loves Coco so much it's actually kind of weird.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

I probably shouldn't even have to tell you this, but Ice Loves Coco. Ice loves Coco so much, in fact, that they even made a TV show about it. It is called Ice Loves Coco and it is the best show of all time and you can ask anyone.

In case you have been living under a goddamn rock since basically forever, the Ice I am referring to here is Ice-T, the popular rapper, actor, and star of the hit television program Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, on which he plays Detective Odafin "Fin" Tutuola, a tough-talking cop who isn't afraid to tell it like it is, not even a little bit. Sometimes people confuse Ice-T with Ice Cube, another popular rapper and actor. These people are known as assholes because those two guys couldn't be more different. For starters, Ice Cube was in the hit movie Anaconda, which was about some dumb snake, and Ice-T has a huge penis, something this reporter read on the Internet while researching this story.

As for Coco, she is Ice's wife and also has huge boobs. Also, Coco's parents met on the set of the hit television program Bonanza, a show we still talk about to this day. Coco is also a model and has a huge ass, which is great for me and Ice too, I imagine. Coco is basically the polar opposite of Ice-T and if someone would have told me 10 years ago that Ice and Coco were going to wind up together, I would have laughed them out of the room and also told them to go fuck themselves. But then it happened and I was forced to reevaluate the world around me as well as my place in it. And when I heard that Ice indeed loves Coco, well, don't even get me started.

"Sure, Ice likes Coco," I thought. "But love? I'm not so sure about that."

But then I saw my first episode of Ice Loves Coco and it erased all doubt in my mind. In fact, I can say with utmost confidence as of this writing that Ice loves Coco so much it's actually kind of weird.

I realize there are probably a few naysayers out there who think Ice only loves Coco, not the other way around. But guess what -- it's a two-way street. Coco loves that crazy son of a bitch. On this one episode, Coco got an offer to star in a movie, but didn't want to do it because it would mean she'd have to be away from Ice for two months straight. But when she told Ice, Ice was all like "Hey, baby, I'll miss you but you should totally do that movie." It was like "The Gift of the Magi" or something. I couldn't believe it.

Do Ice and Coco ever have bad days? Of course. We all do. But here's the difference -- they get through it and the next thing you know Ice will just be like "I love you, Coco" and Coco will be like "I love you, Ice" like whatever bullshit Coco just pulled never happened. In short, they just can't stay mad at each other. I can only hope Jennifer Aniston watches Ice Loves Coco so maybe she will learn something and won't have to bounce around from man to man like a goddamn oversexed pinball and force me to worry about her all the time. Get it the fuck together, Aniston! You're getting too old for this shit!

I had an idea for an "Ice Loves Coco"-themed beverage called Ice Loves Cocoa. As hinted at in the name, it would be for a hot chocolate. In the commercial, Ice could wake up in the middle of the night, sneak into the kitchen, and make himself a cup of delicious hot chocolate. Then, just as he's about to take a sip, he stares into the mug and says "Ice loves Cocoa." Then Coco shows up in the doorway and says "Hey, wait a minute!" Then Ice could be like "Don't worry, Coco, I made some for you too." Then Ice would give Coco his cup. That's just how he is. You could put their dog Spartacus in the commercial too. He could just sit there and have one of those "Hey, what about me?" looks on his face that dogs get sometimes. It would be great. I don't even want any money for this idea. Ice and Coco, if you are reading this, you can have that idea for FREE. Just promise me you'll save me some cocoa. Haha. I am kidding. I am happy to buy my own. When I get to the checkout, though, I am going to say "This was my idea!" Haha. I am kidding. I probably won't.

Speaking of Ice and Coco, a couple weeks ago, I was out for a bike ride when suddenly, from out of nowhere, Ice appeared right in front of me in the bike lane, like a goddamn apparition. He had apparently just parked his car (A Rolls-Royce. What -- did you think he'd be driving some piece of shit or something? Yeah, right) and was making his way to the sidewalk in the really cool Ice-T kind of way you are probably imagining right now.

"Where there is Ice, there is Coco," I thought as I tried to pull myself together. Then sure enough, I saw Coco walking just a few feet away, right behind Ice and looking even more beautiful in person than she does on the hit program Ice Loves Coco and also with a huge ass. It was in that moment that I realized that Ice had instinctively placed himself between me and Coco. I would never claim to be a great bicyclist, but I am definitely a good bicyclist. Still, there was no way Ice could have possibly known that, which is why he took it upon himself to rule out the possibility of me accidentally crashing right into Coco without even thinking about it. Of course, this was just one more reminder to me that, just when I think I've got Ice and Coco figured out, they'll send me back to the drawing board with some new expression of their love. It just doesn't stop with them.

Naturally, when I saw Ice and Coco, I wanted to say "Hey, Ice! Hey, Coco!" to them, but instead I found myself suddenly unable to speak, silenced by my brush with Ice and Coconess. Instead, I just sat there on my bike as they faded into the distance, like two gunslingers from the Old West, one of whom seriously has one of the biggest asses I've ever seen. It was awesome. Above is a photo I took of Ice and Coco as they were walking away. That's Coco on the left.

I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but sometimes I think I love Coco, too.

Dave Hill's first book, Tasteful Nudes (St. Martin's Press), is out now. Buy it wherever incredible books are sold.

Popular in the Community