Earlier today an email leaked from a University of Maryland student and, due to its expletive-filled, fiery rhetoric worthy of David Mamet, it almost instantly went viral. The message, sent to the young woman's sorority sisters, forcefully instructed them to represent the sorority better at events with their "matchup" frat.
While perhaps misguided, her language and, dare we say, her passion, was so effective, we couldn't help but imagine her talents being directed at other subjects -- such as, say, senators who blocked gun control legislation in yesterday's vote. President Obama's speech chastising the lawmakers who voted against extending background checks certainly was Obama at his most visibly angry, but if he took this writer's cue, he could have gone a lot further than "shameful."
So, we took the liberty of aggregating her anger and recontextualizing its meaning, applying it instead to what Obama could have said on Wednesday. Obviously, some VERY NSFW language is used below, so if obscenity offends you, stop reading (and keep in mind, the writer's anger is so universal, we had to change very little).
If you tuned into this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this speech is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this Senate, you have been FUCKING UP in terms of reasonable gun control legislation. I've been getting texts on texts about Senators LITERALLY being so fucking INHUMANE and so fucking CALLOUS. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Barry, I've been having so much fun with my NRA pals this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on the Hill to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Gabby Giffords does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your NRA pals. You have 364 days out of the fucking year to talk to the NRA, and today is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. Today is about repairing something broken in our communities, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to the NRA and not to families of victims. Newsflash you stupid cocks: AMERICANS DON'T LIKE COWARDS. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: AMERICANS DO NOT WANT TO VOTE FOR YOU IF YOU FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, YOU FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about how background checks won’t change anything IN FRONT OF NEWTOWN FAMILIES. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore votes. If your constituents openly said "Yeah we're gonna screw you the next chance we get", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be voting against 90% of Americans interests, I don't give a FUCK if Wayne LaPierre wants you to, if Ted Nugent wants you to, or if the entire NRA wants you to. YOU DON'T. YOU. DON'T. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other Senators to vote with you.
"But Barry!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your TV screen as you listen to this speech, "I've been saying I’m appalled by the tragedies, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP ON INTERNATIONAL FUCKING VOTES TOO. I've not only gotten texts about Senators being fucking WEIRD on the UN Arms Trade Treaty (for example, being stupid shits and adding amendments to budget bills saying "durr we don’t approve treaty…" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about Senate Democrats voting with the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about bipartisanship, YOU VOTE FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN IN AN ELECTION? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking obsessed with making the NRA like you that you think being a good little supporter of the gun community is going to make your voters happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY YOUR FUCKING VOTERS. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you IMPEACH me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
"Ohhh Barry, I'm now crying because your speech has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this speech applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that votes against dead children or if you're a weird shit that thinks a gentle breeze can infringe on the second amendment, this following message is for you:
DO NOT RUN FOR REELECTION.
I'm not fucking kidding. Don't run. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this speech and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS COUNTRY. I would rather have 40 Senators that are reasonable, talk to the families of victims, and not fucking cowardly than 80 that are fucking bitches. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to victims families I have an A rating from the NRA", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking run for reelection unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for legislation that can save fucking lives. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at the next vote, I will tell you to resign even if you're a Democrat. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this speech, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.