If Elected, Trump Pledges To Abolish The Environment

“The whole thing is a hoax. It’s garbage.”
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Speaking today at a gun rights rally held in Yellowstone National Park, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump pledged that, if elected, one of his first acts will be to abolish the environment. “The truth, my friends, is that the concept of the environment is a socialist plot to destroy capitalism.” Trump claimed. “The whole thing is a hoax. It’s garbage.”­

Trump’s claim was greeted enthusiastically by the thousands of “Second Amendment people” who had gathered in the park to oppose extension of the Endangered Species Act. Their response seemed to urge Trump on. “Folks, I promise you that by the end of my first term there’ll be no environment left, not even a scrap.”

Trump’s statement, however, caused increased consternation within the already-stressed-out Republican establishment. A high ranking Republican staffer on the U.S. Senate Committee on Energy and Natural Resources (who spoke not for attribution) complained that, “Once again, he’s completely screwed things up. What our 2016 party platform promises to abolish is the Environmental Protection Agency, not the environment! Christ Almighty, has the party’s nominee even read the party’s platform?!”

Trump’s pledge, however, won strong support from some conservatives. J. Pierpont Finch III, founder and CEO of Young Americans for Freedom from Ecological Constraints, welcomed the statement.

“Strictly speaking, there is no such thing as the environment,” Finch declared. “Sure, there is land and water and air, and there are animals and plants and all sorts of bugs, but to claim that they are somehow integrated into an overall whole is preposterous. It’s a plot perpetuated by environmental zealots seeking to impose world government on us all.”

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