If it feels good, do it. This is my approach to teaching my kids about their sexuality. Whoa…hold on a minute before you start attacking me. My oldest is starting middle school this month and I’ve been thinking a lot about this subject. Our parents’ generation only told us to abstain, that anything related to sex and/or our bodies is dirty, that even kissing leads down a dark path so it’s all to be avoided. After becoming a parent I thought long and hard about how I want to make my own children feel about their bodies and the physical aspect of relationships.
Now keep in mind, I’m making this decision to be open and supportive with a few caveats: I know my kids. They aren’t wild. Their dad and I weren’t all that wild either. However, I know that we BOTH spent time kissing in cars or on the sofa in front of a movie. I remember sometime between high school and college thinking “this is bullshit!” Why can’t I kiss or dance close with a guy if I feel like it. I never slept with someone the night I met them. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) I might have, however, made out with them. A lot. If it felt good, I did it. There is nothing wrong with having fun and enjoying yourself.
When I was 12, walking into the roller rink and lacing up my skates was filled with such anticipation. I remember how illicit it felt to be asked to “slow skate” with a boy. The electricity I felt when he held my hand still makes me smile thirty years later. It was completely innocent. And if I’m being honest, our hands were really sweaty. I don’t even remember the name or face of the boy but I remember that electricity. It made me feel like a young woman instead of a kid. And I NEVER told my mom that it happened. It’s not like she was a prude, but I think it wasn’t kosher to encourage your kids to explore being physical in our parents’ generation. They seemed to only care about if we looked slutty or got pregnant. I’m not faulting them but I believe there is more to talk to our kids about than just saying no and avoiding physical situations.
I decided on this philosophy after I kept hearing from other parents that “so-and-so thinks your son is cute,” or during carpool that “two girls have a huge crush on your son,” whoa. It was time to make a plan on teaching my kids sexuality. I want my kids to go to their first dance at school and have that awkward moment where they don’t know where to put their hands, sway like robots and shake in total nervousness. I don’t want them feeling an added pressure, like there is something taboo about exploring this next phase of growing up. Let’s face it, middle school is when most kids start holding hands, sending a dorky text or…if they’re really brave…meeting for a coffee.
Most importantly, I want my kids to be honest with me as to where they are and who they’re with. I don’t need them to share with me if they’ve had their first kiss and I hope to God they don’t ask me to explain what 2nd base is or how to French kiss. (They have google for that.) I just want them to know it’s a perfectly normal part of growing up. I am teaching them to be respectful partners, friends and human beings…who know it’s perfectly OK to enjoy kissing and all that comes along with that…whenever they are ready to make that next step. My philosophy might not work for your family and your children’s personalities and that’s ok. But my ultimate goal is to be open about sexuality, teach them respect not only for themselves, but also their partners. And to be available for whatever they need as we ride this roller coaster together.
Originally published on Mommy Drinks Wine and Swears.