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If Parenting Were an Olympic Sport, These Would Definitely Be the Events

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What would be the best events for a "Parental Olympics"? originally appeared on Quora - the knowledge sharing network where compelling questions are answered by people with unique insights.

Answer by Court Showerman, father, on Quora:

Here are the events for the "Parental Olympics", three years and under division:

Opening Ceremony - A parade of little kids and their parents from around the world would be more popular than the real Olympics Opening Ceremony.

Changing Diapers - This is like the sailing of the Olympics. One discipline with multiple gold medals.

  • Speed - Self explanatory but fastest to change a diaper.
  • The Blow Out - A little gross but, hey, parenting is gross sometimes. Change a particularly messy diaper. Judged by speed and cleanliness.
  • The Standing Change- Change a diaper standing up. This is advanced parenting and should only be attempted by professionals. The child needs to run (or crawl) around for five minutes with the diaper still on or you are disqualified.
  • The One Hander - A fact of parenting, but mastering something two handed is only phase one. Yoda-level parenting is doing everything one-handed.
  • The Death Roll Diaper Change - I am not sure if every child does this, but my youngest one does a Crocodile Death Roll every time we change her diaper. This one would probably get the most views on TV because it really is amazing to watch.
  • The Airplane Bathroom - Great, you can do all the events above. Now try them in an airplane bathroom. [1]

Fine Motor Skills With Sleep Deprivation - Give somebody three "naps" of thirty minutes throughout the night and then have them put together a model airplane.

Now it is time for the Emotional Events:

  • How long can somebody continue a conversation with another adult while their kid is saying, "Dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda, dadda!" (or "Mama, mama, mama!") [2]
  • The Tantrum in a Grocery Store - This will be a gymnastics-style judge voting. Be in the middle of a grocery store and have a full-blown melt down. I would love the commentary, "Oh, Mom broke down and bought the toy. That is really going to hurt the final scoring."
  • Be productive while being crazy sick - I admit, it will be very tough to judge, but give a parent one of those month-long colds with a hacking cough and tons of mucus. Now work, clean, and make breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and all of the events above.
  • Endurance Test - Watch Dora (or any similar show) ten times in a row. I mean the same episode ten times in a row. While keeping your sanity. With no cell phone! Good luck.

Throw a Birthday Party for Ten Three Year Olds at Your Own House - Complete with party favors, cake, and other forms of entertainment (read: time burning activities).

Clean Up the Birthday Party - Oh, you're burned out from planning the party and all the kids running around for the last few hours? Great, now clean it up.

Clean Up the Toy Room - This is a speed contest, but make sure it all goes in the correct place.

Closing Ceremony - I have a picture of this in my head, but I think it is really more like falling asleep with a baby laying on your head.

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