If The Comey Memos Involved Other Pop Culture Villains

Vader, Dr. Lecter, Jigsaw — the whole gang's here!

The Comey hearing took our world by storm on Thursday, wherein the Senate Intelligence Committee further examined the details of former FBI Director James Comey’s memos regarding his encounters with President Trump.

We wondered what those memos would look like in the fictional worlds of pop culture, written about some of our very favorite villains.

Darth Vader Memo

“My Lord Vader asked me to dinner in his private chambers earlier that day. My instincts told me that the one-on-one setting, and the pretense that this was our first discussion about my position, meant the dinner was, at least in part, an effort to have me ask for my job and create some sort of patronage relationship. Lord Vader was known throughout the galaxy for telling people he was their father.”


Voldemort Memo

“During the dinner, He Who Must Not Be Named returned to the salacious material I had briefed him about on January 6, and, as he had done previously, expressed his disgust for the allegations and strongly denied that his Death Eaters had used unforgivable curses on Cedric Diggory or Neville Longbottom’s parents. He said he was considering ordering me to investigate the alleged incident to prove it didn’t happen. He said he would think about it and asked me to think about it and then asked his snake Nagini to think about it.

“As was my practice for conversations with He Who Must Not Be Named, I wrote a detailed memo about the dinner immediately afterward and shared it with the senior leadership team in the Order of the Phoenix.”


Jigsaw Memo

“Jigsaw signaled the end of the briefing by thanking the group and telling them all that he wanted to speak to me alone. I stayed in my chair.

“When the door by the grandfather clock closed, and we were alone, Jigsaw began by saying, ‘The grandfather clock in this room contains former National Security Advisor Mike Flynn. In 10 minutes, a naked and unconscious Mike Flynn will be released from the grandfather clock. Compromising photos of the two of you will be taken and circulated to the press, unless you can first escape from this room. The only exit is through those glass windows, which are covered in a thin gel. Your clothing is covered in a second substance, which will ignite if mixed with the gel on the windows. You must take off all your clothing and crash through the window naked onto the White House lawn, or take photos with a naked, unconscious Mike Flynn.’

“Jigsaw went to the door and before exiting, said, ‘The grandfather clock is ticking, James. Make your choice.’”


Emperor Palpatine Memo

“The Emperor asked his guards to ‘leave us,’ which they did promptly. He then made a long series of comments about the problem with leaks of classified information about his Death Stars — a concern I shared and still share. After he had spoken for a few minutes about stolen data tapes, Reince Priebus appeared via the HoloNet communication system and I could see a group of people waiting behind him. The Emperor waved at him, saying he would be done shortly. The hologram disappeared.

“He then said, ‘I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Vader go. He’s not a good guy. There is no good left in him, I assure you. I hope you can let this go.’”


Sauron Memo

“On the morning of April 11, Sauron called me and asked what I had done about his request that I ‘get out’ that he is not personally under attack. He replied that ‘the halflings’ were getting in the way of his ability to do his job. He said that perhaps he would have his people reach out to Saruman or the steward of Gondor. I said that was the way his request should be handled. I said the Witch-king of Angmar should contact the leadership of DOJ to make the request, which was the traditional channel. He said he would do that and added, ‘Because I have been very loyal to you, very loyal; we had that ring, you know.’ I did not reply or ask him what he meant by ‘that ring.’ I said only that the way to handle it was to have the Nazgûl call the Acting Deputy Attorney General. He said that was what he would do and the call ended.”


Hannibal Lecter Memo

“Dr. Lecter and I had dinner on Friday, January 27 at 6:30 p.m. He had called me at lunchtime that day and invited me to dinner that night, saying he was going to serve my whole family, but decided he would have just me this time, making a lip-smacking sound. But adding that he would have my whole family ‘soon enough,’ at which point he chuckled. I assumed there would be others. It turned out to be just the two of us, seated at a small oval table in the center of a plexiglass room. Two Navy stewards waited on us, only entering the room to serve us very rare meats, fava beans and a nice chianti.”


Mr. Burns Memo

“On the morning of March 30, Mr. Burns called me at the FBI. ‘Ahoy-hoy,’ he said, and then described ‘the cloud’ that had formed around his nuclear power plant. He asked what we could do to get the pesky EPA off his back without having to release the hounds, which he assured me he was very much in favor of doing. 

“He finished by stressing ‘the cloud’ was interfering with his ability to take over Springfield and that he hoped I could find a way to get out that he wasn’t as evil as everyone made him sound. I told him I would see what we could do, and that it might be helpful if he didn’t laughed manically at the poor or disabled. He then pressed a button at his desk which opened a trapdoor in the floor, which I fell though.”