"Nobody is unhappy when they get praised. Even if they know they don't deserve it and even if they don't believe it. The only unhappy people about praise is when that praise is going too much toward somebody else." -- MLK , Drum Major Instinct
CUOMO FOR MAYOR (AN OPEN LETTER TO AMC)
Dear Andrew,
Well, here's another fine mess you got yourself into.
I know it's been going on for some time but this war with Bill De Blasio is getting out of control. You've gone bonkers and resolved to "hit the mattresses" with Hizzoner. It's hand-to-hand combat with no end in sight.
Even the Rev. Al Sharpton was unable to get the two of you to make nice at his annual MLK Day tribute to the Rev. Al Sharpton. (By the way, that's the same Sharpton who stood side by side with George Pataki two days before your dad's '94 surprise loss).
Everyone I know seems to be scratching their head. They don't get it. After all, De Blasio, in spite of his hitherto lackluster tenure at Gracie, deep inside is a very nice guy. He likes to sleep in, shake hands and slap backs and make promises. A dyed-in-the-wool people pleaser. He's sweet to everybody. Even to people who don't like him, such as you!
The press, the public and political junkies are baffled by it all. It's a conflict that seems to have been provoked with less sense than what kicked off the war between Freedonia and Sylvania in Duck Soup.
But it makes sense to me. I get it. Big time. And, to be honest, I feel your pain. I know exactly what you are going through.
Been there. Done it.
Oh yes, in 1992 Francis X Clines of the NYT called me a "rare exception to the pathetic rule." My opening act that night was a fellow by the name of Jon Stewart. Clines tepidly mentioned him in passing. Well, our careers have, alas, went off in opposite directions. A few years later, I taught a course in comedy at the Village Gate. One of my students was a fellow by the name of Jim Gaffigan. I didn't think he had a prayer in the biz and bluntly told him so. Well, ol' Jimbo is doing just fine. That's right, he's the dude who opened for the Pope in Philadelphia. Those stories are just the tip of the iceberg.
Watching those fellow and others pass me by drove me crazy. It wasn't unusual for friends to see me walking in circles talking to myself. It really ate me up inside. I went on the warpath with enemies real and imagined. Sounding familiar?
I don't know what you call it but whatever it is my friend, I believe it's what is happening to you. Salieri syndrome?
In your case, I think it goes back to when you were El Jefe Grande at HUD. De Blasio, as it were, was both your student and your opening act. Indeed, It was you Andrew who gave him his big break. Without you he'd be nothing. You made him what he is today!
And does De Blasio show any gratitude? No! He has the nerve to insult and upstage you with all sorts of proposals of his own without the advice and consent of his creator. Oh, the horror.
De Blasio doesn't let protracted REM periods go to waste. He works while he is sleeping. And, in a dream state, he's come up with some pretty good ideas. First it was the universal Pre K thing. Then 421a reform. Next, was the fight for $15. And now, its homeless relief. All wildly popular and progressive. Well, you did the only thing you know how to do in emergency political circumstances: co-opt all of the above proposals and make them look like they originated out of your mind. Just like you did to us when you parachuted on the popular movement to repeal the Rockefeller Drug Laws. You did well by that caper even though you suddenly lost your passion for changes in those still Draconian laws and other aspects of the racist criminal justice system once you ascended to power. Imagine that!
All of this makes me deeply concerned about you and your future. I am sure you know you are not well liked by an overwhelming majority in your own party. It's worse than you think, if I may be honest. There's been widespread rumor floating around that either AG Schniederman or Comptroller Dinapoli plan challenge you in 2018. Both are much more popular within the party and have much higher approval ratings.
If either the AG or the Comptroller take you on, you are in serious trouble. You are going to need a lot of help. Most importantly you will need the endorsement of De Blasio. His support is critical. The same way it was when you squeaked out the WFP nomination two years against Zephyr Teachout. Imagine if De Blasio had endorsed her instead of you or stayed neutral. What, Governor Astorino perhaps?
Well, you can bet the house that De Blasio will not be endorsing your candidacy the next time around on any line. He's eaten enough of your crow (without the benefit of a fork by god). You've crossed a line that he can no longer continue moving. And he seems bent on restoring some sense of self-esteem and self-respect. That isn't good news for your reelection plans. You need the NYC mayor's endorsement, at the very least.
Now what? Well, I have an answer. Listen carefully!
I know it sounds like Ive had a relapse but If I were you I would toss my crown into the ring against De Blasio for mayor of New York City in 2017. I did some research and it appears there is nothing in the law that would prevent you from doing such a thing.
I mean, it's not going to be easy, even if I can convince you to do it, but I believe the only way you are going to get the endorsement of the New York City mayor in your 2018 bid to retain the governor's office is if you become mayor in 2017. Moreover, I am convinced that no Democratic mayor will endorse you for the democratic nomination in 2018 particularly if either Schneiderman or Dinapoli decide to jump into the fray. Everyone likes those two guys except for one person... you!
It would be a great story which is something I think you owe to the Albany press corps. They've been sitting around like prisoners seeking a pardon waiting for a story that isn't pre packaged by your press secretary (which we all know would be you). They've been left high and dry since Paterson blew town. Your press conferences have become less common than sightings of Bigfoot or Haley's comet. Many of them would be rooting for you to win and get out of town for awhile because they like you less than you like them, which is not an easy concept for one to imagine.
Beating De Blasio is not going to be easy. He'll have the WFP nomination for sure and I cant see you or anyone else beating him in a democratic primary. Especially you. The Democrats who held their nose and voted for you in 2014 against Teachout and this irritating comic were muscled into it by their union leaders after you cut some last minute contract deals.
But who needs the democratic nomination? Five out of the last six mayoral elections have been won by Republicans. You will have no problem getting the GOP nomination. You are a cinch. They owe you. Without you they would never have controlled the state senate for the past five years, giving that body the ability to block all of your own progressive proposals that you never really wanted to pass anyway but just to get kudos for trying. In addition, like your pal Joe Lhota, you will have no problem getting Mike Long and the Conservative endorsement. That's two out of the first three ballot lines.
Your longtime confidante Joe Percoco will have plenty of time to run your campaign at no cost courtesy of that seven-figure, no-show job you got him over at MSG. He'll keep the massive city hall press corps at arms length until after you move your stuff from Albany to Gracie. Then Joe can turn his attention to your statewide reelection bid. Trust me, the Dolan family will be glad to give him something to do..
I hope you take my advice. And I hope you win. It's not because I think you are a great governor or would be a great mayor. This is about me! Its rooted in my own selfishness. You see, I am back to doing what I do best and love, and that is political impressions. For the life of me, I can't do a Bill De Blasio impression. I have tried and tried to no avail. But I do a wicked Andrew Cuomo. It's one of my best voices. So, for the sake of your revenge and the sake of my career, go ahead and just do it!
Good luck Gov. -- I mean, Hizzoner.