“One of the hardest things for me to get past is the fact that my body really isn’t good enough. I workout everyday and you can barely tell. How can anyone possibly want to date me, let alone love me, looking like this?” Mary* told me, with her gaze directed toward the floor at a local coffee shop.
Mary is a 34 year old single woman. As we sat together she shared that she has “tried all the dating services under the sun; Match, eHarmony, Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid…” Despite going on countless dates, she feels as though her appearance is a major factor in not being able to land a relationship that sticks.
“It has to be how I look,” she said with conviction. “My dates seem to go so well, but the guys end up either ghosting me or telling me we’re not a good match. They must not be attracted to me… If I were prettier, or skinnier, I bet it would be a whole different ball game. Does that sound irrational?” she asked.
Before I could respond, she added “It’s totally not irrational. Look at all the women here with their boyfriends, husbands, whatevers...” she scanned the room. “Prettier. Skinnier. Happier.”
Studies have shown that 97% of women have negative body thoughts every day. And, according to a study in Body Image, the way we see our bodies can have a major impact in our ability to find and maintain healthy relationships. An online survey posted by Today.com shows that women who are dissatisfied with their appearance tend to be significantly more insecure and anxious when looking for and being in a relationship.
In other words, feeling so consumed about the size of your thighs, your soft stomach and your asymmetrical face may very well be impacting your ability to show up to find and build the relationship of your dreams.
“It gets exhausting constantly thinking about how I can make myself look better” Mary shared. “I don’t want to continue to feel this way, but it’s hard not to. I hope that I can learn to love my body and how I look.”
In effort to gather some expert insight (other than my own!) on how to do just that, I reached out to women’s empowerment and body positive powerhouse, Erin Brown. Erin is a writer, speaker and activist whose work focuses on women, healing and autonomy. Ladies, you won’t regret following her on FB and IG. She’s seriously a beautiful badass.
“When women tell themselves: ‘Make sure you prioritize thinness and beauty so someone will love you,’ I’d encourage them to ask themselves if they believe that is universally true. And, consider if that is the advice you would give a young girl.”
Erin encourages women to then consider exactly why they wouldn’t give a young girl that advice.
“For most of us, when we take the rules we've applied to ourselves and make them universal, our actual values become quite clear. Those are the values that should be guiding us”
“Most of us wouldn't agree that we personally believe that being hot is the most important thing in life, but our stress, time, and energy we put into self-loathing tells a different story.”
“I'm interested in helping women learn to live their own values. You will always be too much or too little by others' standards. The only way to please anyone is to please yourself. Live by your own values,” Erin eloquently shared.
“Is loving your body important to you?” she encourages women to consider. If so, Erin believes that learning to accept your body in the here and now can be a step to help get you there. “Learning to be compassionate and accepting your body as is, lends itself to treating yourself with compassion and respect in other ways as well.”
Such important points to reflect on. Here are some ways to start implementing them in your day-to-day.
1. Become aware of the way you think and speak about your body. Is your attitude toward your nose, your skin, butt and thighs serving you? Is it draining you?
2. Consider how society has influenced the way you see yourself. Has internalizing messages from our dieting and thin obsessed culture pushed you toward, or away, from appreciating the body you are in?
3. Get clear on what you value. What is most important you? How can you begin to make shifts to live in alignment with those things?
4. Ask yourself “would I tell my niece (daughter, little sister, etc) what I am telling myself?”
5. Offer yourself the advice you would give your niece if she spoke about herself the way you’ve been speaking to yourself.
6. Practice self-compassion whenever you find that you’re picking yourself apart.
When these practices are applied to the way you interact with yourself and the way you approach your day-to-day, they can become stepping stones to transforming your relationship with body. As your relationship with yourself begins to heal, you’ll find that your ability to believe that someone can love you for you, will also begin to be healed. Because if you don’t love you, it’s hard to believe that anyone else can.
Sarah Herstich is a therapist and coach in Horsham, PA who works with women struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, body image and disordered eating. You can learn more about Sarah and her work at sarahherstichlcsw.com.
*name has been changed